Today's musing

Certain things are better nipped in the bud. 

No, not my resurrecting mint plant.

For one more day

I wonder if I will make it until September because at this moment only the thought of my life ending gives me peace. And I need peace. So much peace.

I am tired, overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, and sorry. Overall miserable.

But death is expensive and my resources are scarce.

Give me strength to hold on for one more day.

Here is me trying so hard to hold on, in my part-time make-believe refuge.

Feeling anxious today

Is it the coffee?

So anxious I want to vomit. I don't know why. I just want to go home and curl up in my bed and not do anything for a week straight. Or a month. Or a year. But of course I cannot afford that.

Maybe after I get my pending deliverables done, I will feel better. Gahd, the stress. The stress is getting too much to bear. 

Photo of the swamp I have to walk through every day. Thank goodness for my mother's boots. 

Feeling sabog, but actually sober. 

Knowing that all of this is going to end someday brings me some peace. I am wishing for more. 

Having two jobs is tiring

I have been getting steady writing projects for the longest time and though I am thankful, I feel that I am always tired. I have not enough time left for myself and other things that matter because my office job still stands. The office job has been a regular source of extra income, but I do not feel fulfilled each time I go to the my workstation and have to do what I do. My colleagues are great, nobody bullies me, but I am not happy. Hopefully I get to push through another year and get to save as much as I could. After that, I must decide whether to stay or go. Nobody's getting any younger and a person's physical self can only do so much.

Most days I feel hopeless

I had a short streak of productivity and positivity late last week, but, last night, things went back to normal. Bleak normal. 

Let me tell you what I feel & think of on a normal day, which is on most days. I wish I had enough money so I can afford to die. The thought of death and what comes after, if there ever is anything after, gives me peace: all this misery will end. When I die, I will never be anxious or tired of being anxious anymore. When I die, people around me will have a better life: my mom won't have to clean up after me anymore; my sister will have a better sibling to look up to--my brother; my brother might hate me less for ruining his life (I read it in one of his notebooks several years ago); my boyfriend can find someone better than me--probably pursue the girl/s he still feels for (I read in his notebook that he still feels pagnanasa over other girls even when he already has me so what does that tell ya). 

When I die, I can finally stop being embarrassed of all the cringey life decisions I've made. I won't have to struggle to live through each day anymore. I am tired. I am father. Effing. Tired. 

Too bad I can't afford to die. It's costly and stressful for those I'll leave behind. Right now, the only things making me feel like life is still worth living is my dog, Octavio, and my scripting job. And the thought of my mom blaming herself if I end up dying by taking my own life. 

See, this is why I can never be a writer. 

That's all for today, I guess. I can't wait to sleep

Madaling araw grind

It's 3:28 and I am at work. I have been a freelance ADR scriptwriter since 2012 and I think it is the best job I have ever had. I want to keep doing this until I'm old and gray, and a lifetime is not enough to thank Claude D., a colleague in PDC, for getting me into this industry. 

In the picture is my snack, four toasted mini-mamons soaked in Swiss Miss chocolate drink. It's sweet AF. 

Oooohkay, back to scripting now. Later, nonexistent reader! 

Remember, you are loved. ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

Tiring day

Started my day with a walk under cloudy skies. Went to the market to buy suman, kutsinta, pet food, sili & talong seedlings, and other small stuff. It was peaceful. I like that I am with someone who loves me (and whom I love), but I missed having time alone. Maybe because I was used to being by myself for so long. 

When I got home, I prepared brealfast, did some office work, repotted my newly-bought seedlings, repurposed a couple of 5-gallon containers for my balcony garden, and fixed some things. This afternoon I plan to do some laundry, work on crafts, and get started my script, which is due tomorrow. Good luck with that. 

I hope I get the inspiration to run tomorrow. 

Last night's pink moon gazing

1016a - Last night I spent a short while to gaze at the full moon. Acoording to Google this month's is a Pink Moon, named after a flowering plant. The weather was nice, but there were mosquitoes so I couldn't stay long. I wish I did, though. What's a little sacrifice? 

The moon, when I took a photo of it, appeared blurry. Blurry is the theme of my life. 

Anyway, I have been having second thoughts about something lately. Do I let this drag on, or do I rip the band-aid now? People will get hurt either way. 

Maybe when I die I will finally get the peace I have been chasing all along.

Afternoon Sessions 1

The Covid-19 situation in the Philippines has gotten worse since last I wrote. Other countries have managed it way better. Meanwhile, I still have my jobs. I am thankful, but mostly exhausted. 

This afternoon, I am cleaning out some old books to sell at a bargain. I hope they all get sold. I need funds. 

Here is a picture of my dog, Octavio, keeping me company.

The Covid19 situation is slowly getting the best of me

 ...and I feel helpless. 

My life is generally neither pitiful nor worse than others' but I feel tired, battered, drained and without hope. I feel like my 2017 cloud is descending on me again, fogging everything in sight. This is not the kind of fog I like or want. I would not wish it on anyone. 

Meanwhile, I usually tell myself I'm surprised I even got this far, but it's not actually surprising given the state of my bank accounts. 

It is easy to say "I accept," but, as it is, it is hard to do. 

I was reading my old journal entries and it turns out that on December 4, 2009 I wrote "Someday, everyone I love will seem like strange passers by."

On the other hand, there is hope. There is faith. And there is love. 

Dear Self, tomorrow will be better. 

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Listening to this song.

COVID-19 COMMUNITY QUARANTINE SERIES - Part 1

This is the first of CCQS-related entries. As we all may have heard/read, most of the Philippines is now in a state of calamity due to the effects of the new coronavirus disease 2019 (covid-19) that started to spread in January 2020. It's been a week since our community quarantine started and things have only gotten worse since then. In the coming days until the quarantine gets lifted, I will post some highlights and random musings from my days locked up at home. I don't feel too comfortable posting on Facebook or Instagram so I'm posting everything here, where I feel freer. For that, thank you, Blogger.

I am cramming a script right now--thankful that I'm still getting one or two scripts a month from 20Plus--so I might post something after I submit it to the very patient & ever-reliable Dubbing Supervisor, Dain.

Dear reader, wherever you are, whoever you are, what ever you may be going through at this time, thank you for stumbling into my blog. Please know that I pray for you & wish you all the goodness you deserve.

You are loved.

A month shy of five and thirty

I honestly didn't think I'd make it this far. There must be a reason why I'm still here. It must be the exercise or the b-complex tablets I've been taking, but I am happy.

My first time to buy from Book Depository

I don't know, maybe it is meant to be. While procrastinating at work, I opened my email & saw one from PayPal**.  After reading it, I decided to try and link one of my bank accounts (my payroll account from work) and, to my surprise, it came through--I've tried linking a BDO debit account to PayPal before but it wouldn't work. Anyway, the next unread email was a promotional one from Book Depository and I thought, "Hey, why don't I try buying a book there using PayPal?" I tried buying there some time ago using my BDO Visa Debit card but it wouldn't come through so I wasn't really banking on this one. Again, to my surprise, my payment (via PayPal) was accepted! I am now waiting for a UK bookstore to ship my book after 3-5 working days. According to the BD site, I'm supposed to receive the book in 7-10 days. I've already gotten a confirmation e-mail from BD. I will edit this as I get more updates.

By the way, the book I bought was "Finding Gobi" by Dion Leonard. It's priced at $9.55 but BD has an ongoing promo for PH buyers so I got it for $8.59 instead. :) Since I read about them in the news a few years ago, I was hooked on their story. I followed every post from Dion--when he met this stray dog who just ran with him during an ultra-marathon, when he decided to bring Gobi to his home in Europe, when Gobi went missing, etc. When this book came out I was excited to get a hold of it but I couldn't find it in local bookstores so I would just keep browsing its page on BD, Amazon & Goodreads to get my fix. I also follow them on Instagram @findiggobi

I have to get back to work now or I'm dead. My deadline is today and I haven't done anything significant.

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

**I opened a PayPal account many years ago when I still had a credit card and when I lost that card to loans, I didn't use the account anymore. Not that I was able to use it for anything. It was just...there.

UPDATES!!

September 19, 2019 - I received another e-mail from BD that they have shipped my book & I'm supposed to receive it in 7-10 days.

Change is coming

It has been a month since I last wrote & quite a lot has happened. I've landed myself an 8-5 job in a state university nearby, but I still need to keep my freelancing job to make ends meet. I will be starting on Monday. What am I gonna wear?

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Loads to do!

On Saturday, I'm either hiking in Tarak or going to the beach (if it rains). With L, of course.

Gotta sleep now, must wake up in a few hours. I hope I wake up, and on time.

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Glitch

I feel like shutting down. I'm stressed with one of my projects at work. I never seem to get it done right. A few weeks ago, I was rebuked (in our group chat) for my glaring mistakes. So I did what I could to make it right, but it was a bit too much, apparently. Looks like I overcompensated because, yesterday, I got reprimanded again. This time, for over-correcting. I hope the next script I do will be better. Just right. Oh well.

I feel like crying these past few days. I'm so inefficient at anything. I have to fight this because my death would cost so much money. How I wish I could just disappear from this world without having to bother anyone. :( The thought of dying and leaving all this stress behind gives me peace. Yes, I want to make my mom proud, but my siblings can do that better and I'm not even bothered. Apart from dying, the outdoors and the possibility of travel gives me peace.

L & I are going camping this week, but I don't think I'm really up for it. I want to see him, but, at this point, I'd rather stay home, disconnected from anything and anyone, and sleep for 14 hours straight. God give me strength.

I've never been more stressed

I'm currently working on a Korean magic show, translating it into Tagalog & synching the lines for dubbing. Man, this is something else. It makes working on an Argentinian teen series feel like a walk in the park. I have never been more stressed out!

Self, please. NEVER accept another Magic Control script ever again! It's for your own sanity.

Almost year-end

I went out for a 5k run yesterday afternoon, after so long. I've almost forgotten how exhilarating it felt. I missed my heart racing. I missed the wind on my face. I missed the heat and the high I feel after.

My final interview for this job I'm applying for is on the 31st and I'm kind of anxious. I hope I get it, I do hope their promise of a high salary and good benefits are real, I hope it really isn't stressful. Is this what the Universe wants for me?

Meanwhile, my brother has officially moved into his new condo & will be starting in his new work in February. I feel inspired to follow suit. I have to keep this up.

Three days before I get to see L again.

Sometimes it seems as if the easiest way out is a shot to the head, but my heart wants to keep beating even when it's all thorns and sharp blades all around.

Makes me wonder what tomorrow brings.

Que sera, sera.

Amen.

Dear self, dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Before next year

In two weeks it's going to be 2019. It's been two weeks since I last wrote & here I am cramming a script for the nth time.

Hoping for a pleasant plot twist before the year ends.

In love ❤

...but I am yet to tell the person.

Last month of the year

Woman, time flew by so fast!

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote:
- crammed several scripts, juggled different projects
- gone on several dates (with L)
- camped in Tarak Ridge twice (both with L)
- tried trail running for the first time (in Talamitam, with L)
- hung out in Tagaytay (again, with L)
- after five long years... (with L!)
- managed to run 18k--the longest distance I've run SO FAR

I'm actually trying to cram a script right now but here I am. Priorities, priorities.

Will write again after I get this done. Agh!

No matter how inefficient you think you may be, you are loved.

I miss dirt

I find the outdoors addictive and I don't know why.

Unfortunately, I can't always afford to go hiking so I just console myself with jogging somewhere near our apartment. It's pretty outdoorsy--there's breeze, a little dirt path, trees. In fact, I'm going out for a 7k run in a while. This is part of my training for 21k in November.

I miss my earphones.

In other news, I've been crying again. No worries, self, you'll get through this.

You are loved.

Will I ever learn?

No.

I said the Universe gave me the best distraction in the form of this certain new friend I met last June, right? I think the so called friendship has run its course. I am not in it for romantic shiz but why did I let myself overindulge? For years I have successfully avoided getting this close to anyone and, yes, I was lonely, but I was not stressed. I didn't feel rejected, left behind. Now it feels like 2015 all over again. It sucks that I most likely have been used as an ego boost again, someone to fill the void of boredom. I hope this person does not tell anyone about our conversations. I feel like I want to eternal sunshine this whole part of my year.

Listening to "15 Step" by Radiohead.

You'll feel better, self. You are loved.

I should be cramming now

I haven't really been busy since I got back from Visayas last June. Somehow, my contacts gradually ceased giving me projects. Of late, I've only been working on a script a week & it kills me! I work better when packed. I'm supposed to have submitted this script yesterday but I'm not even halfway til now. So good luck, self.

It's a long shot that any of my real-life friends will read this, but sorry for saying I've been busy these past few months. I miss all of them, yes, but I just...don't feel ready for face-to-face human interaction. I don't want to spread my negative vibes. I've been fighting sad thoughts again.

The clock reads 10:42 am and I should be working. Oops, this new friend I've been chatting with every single day since June just texted & I am going to reply now because, whether I like it or not, talking to him helps keep me sane. Universe, thank you for sending this new friend my way.

Why do I feel this way?

It's been raining for weeks where I live. Been talking to some friends online and I think it's helping. But tonight I feel like I'm just floating on a dark steady stream and there is no end in sight. Where is my life going? Am I going to die soon? Do I need to get a new job?

Last night, I was talking to a fairly new friend and discovered we both seriously considered taking our own lives in the past. I felt sorry for this friend, the bullying he went through, but happy that he chose to live. Can I say the same for myself? I don't know, maybe, but for a while I didn't feel alone.

Today's been blah. I woke up after lunch, replied to some messages, then fell asleep again, and woke up in the evening. Had dinner, talked to some friends, and now I'm here.

I have to get a script done tomorrow. I'm not in the mood to work.

Currently listening to "Tugtog" by Bullet Dumas, John Apura & Yuna Reguerra.

Salamat

I had a semi-good cry this afternoon. It wasn't sad or anything, but somebody said something that I found so beautiful it moved me to tears.

I asked someone to tell me something I didn't know. The reply I got had me crying for ten minutes. I wish I could write it here, but I made a promise to keep it a secret. I think, however, that it wouldn't hurt to say it had to do with being thankful.

Thankful, that should be me.

Let's go to the mall

I'm having allergic rhinitis but I feel like going to the mall to...unwind? Mall is where Booksale is and I want to see what's new. I hope I score an awesome bargain.

I miss some of my friends. I'm having a text convo with Shiela, who just said she's ending her breast-pumping journey since Marcus is turning two soon. She said she doesn't know what/how to feel. I don't know what to tell her, but I sympathize. I should see her soon.

I'm trying so hard not to fall apart. When I'm not busy or talking to people I like talking to, I feel that misery trying to sneak into my core again. I can't let it. I must not let it. But I also do not want to keep depending on others for escape or distraction. Or should I? I wish I have the answers.

I think I should move out and live on my own for good. I'm going to need more money for that.

Wish me luck & grace, nonexistent reader. Thank you.

I feel light

Tonight, I told my sister about my sexual harassment stories and I feel lighter, like a load was taken off my chest. I am happy that she feels strongly against it & that she is not one of those teenagers who are boy-crazy and eager to fall in love. Here are other things that came up in our conversation:
- "trust no btch" even if they're friends
- God is gender neutral/gender inclusive
- Cumin (our cat that has been missing for two months)
- anger management
- generational fights
- 27 (he is a Golden Retriever)
- so much more I can't remember right now.

I also had a short chat with 27 earlier tonight. This is not good for my peace but I can't stay away. Wish me luck. Listening to "Shooting Star" by Teeth.

Today has been bleh-bleh-bleh

I went to Manila today to get my TF. It wasn't much, but enough to last us a few weeks. The whole thing was tiring. Traffic, pollution, crowds, expenses. Feeling down, as usual. (huge sigh)

As soon as I got home, I sent 27 a message. He replied after some time & we chatted a bit about his sprain, stuff about stress, physical activity, the weather, fresh carrot juice, &c. I felt like crying the whole time. Should I really see a professional about this? I wish I could tell 27 how much I appreciate him chatting with me every day. I forget about my misery. Maybe I'll tell him one day when I'm not too emotional.

Hey, 27, you're by far the best distraction I've ever come across & you're always welcome. 

At the same time, I'm preparing myself for possible ghosting because, well, you never know. Bring it on, I'm ready. I can handle it. I can lose another friend. Pero huwag muna, please.

Lead me down your rabbit hole

wreck my mind

reel me out

make me mad

It's getting bigger than I expected

and I'm only getting smaller

Going to sleep in a while. I want to hike tomorrow but I have no extra money for that. Besides, there's a super typhoon coming up so hiking might not be a good idea. Rain is the last thing I need now. Listening to "When You're Gone" by The Cranberries.

Sleep well, nonexistent reader. Things will be better in the morrow.

Off to my last song for the night, "Sweet" by Pacifika.

Midday brooding

I went to sleep happy last night, but I woke up feeling glum. The midday sun is up and scorching, ready to singe what remains of my dry, spinster life.

Anyway, I went down, ready to soldier on through another day, and my mom started chatting to me about going abroad. She said, no offense, but I think that if I don't go abroad (to make more money, of course), we won't be able to buy our own house. I, of course, painfully agreed. At the rate my so-called career is going, I'll die hungry and with my eyes open. Naturally, I don't want my family suffering the same fate. They obviously don't want that too.

Will 27 keep talking to me if he learns I'm just this underachieving, without a backbone old maid? I wonder who among my very few real friends would stick when they get tired of my miserable aura.

I'm not living the life I want. I don't think this is meant for me. There must be something else or I wouldn't be wishing for it.

As usual, "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. is my go-to song for times like this.

Bye, nonexistent reader! Don't let the sun scorch your parade.

System is temporarily down

Today's been unproductive. I was supposed to do stuff but...nothing. According to my period tracker, bloodshed will come in a week. Maybe that is why I feel this way. Thank goodness for period calendars! I'm not using it for reproductive or coital purposes, though. I like it because it lets me plan my hikes & outdoor activities better.

Meanwhile, today, I learned about Enneagram types from my sister & it turns out I'm a type 4: romantic or artist. Maybe I will write about it another time. For now, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for 12 hours straight. Or hear from 27, who has probably already drifted away for good. Oh well. Bye, 27, thank you for making me forget about my misery this past month.

By the way, I have a new favorite song: Kat Edmonson's "I Wasn't Made for Times Like These" I might have gotten the title wrong, but oh how it spoke to me!

Until next time, nonexistent reader! You are loved.

My life is improving, I guess

This year has been good so far, I have not had any major depressive thoughts. I still have no clear idea where my life is headed, but unlike the previous years, I do not want it to end. Despite my financial destitution, I'm doing well. Feeling hopeful, even. I'm thinking of getting a steady part-time job here because I think I'll need it if I want to travel outside the country next year . I need it for visa purposes and extra moolah of course. I need to be out of the house every now and then or else I will slide back into the pit I tried so hard to crawl out of. Yes, there is still a cloud of misery hanging around, but I think I can handle it better now. I don't want to end up killing myself--remember last year? Oh goodness Lord please don't let me go through that again.

I've been talking to a new friend these past few weeks. Like, every single day since May 30. Met this person in Antique, he was part of the group I joined to climb Mt. Baloy Dako, which by the way deserves a separate kwento. Anyway, he is easy to talk to, maybe because he is an Aquarian like I am. I lent him some of my books, which I hope to get back someday because they're my paper-babies! Simply talking to people helps, even if I don't talk about my misery.

Meanwhile, I have once again broken some hearts. I hate it, but I couldn't let it go on. Unfair to all of us. I don't like hurting people because I don't like getting hurt. I'm not even that pretty, you know, so I don't get why these guys like me. I appreciate it, though. I guess you can't really choose who you fall for.

Gotta go. I have to finish a script today.

Can we really be heroes

There is not much going on in my life right now. I'm broke. Bowie's "Heroes" playing in the background.

Maybe I really need to seek professional help. It feels like dark-2017 all over again. :(

Or maybe I'm just looking for love and I don't want to admit it. Yes, I have my family and dog and some friends and all, and I love them, but you get what I mean. But I don't want to deal with the complexities of being in a relationship. Besides, I don't have anyone to love. Sure there are some who've "expressed intent," but I don't want to settle. I don't want to force myself to love someone just because they love me. I want my magic. I want someone I actually want. We're all selfish like that.

They say love is a choice. I agree, but I think there has to be something, a spark or something else, to incite that choice. Is it too much to hope for a spark?

Things are looking up

Remember those three dubbing directors I messaged some time ago? Two of them have given me projects :) Director D was the first to contact me & give me a script to work on, Director P gave me a project I'm not yet sure if it's for keeps because I've not signed any contract. Director Ma is, hopefully, still keeping me in mind for future gigs. I'm not making steady money yet, but I expect it to come pouring in once I get settled and all. I hope more projects come soon. So far, despite my tardiness, things are going well, career-wise.

Health-wise, I guess I can say I'm doing fine. I got sick in February, but nothing serious, according to the doctor, though I might have to get my thyroid & TMJ checked some time, just to be sure. I've also finished my c25k program last March 6, after four long months! It wasn't easy, but I soldiered on, and I conquered. I've since taken on a new program, the Ease into 10k, to prepare myself for a 10-kilometer run sometime in June...hopefully.

I'm going to bake cookies later, during or after doing my laundry. I have a batch and a half sitting in the fridge (yehess, fridge!) and I need to cook that before it becomes stale. It's a waste to let it go to...waste.

Going back to work now, I'm cramming a Cumplices script, which I'm supposed to have submitted last Saturday. Hang me now.

Is this what

Every day I realize I've been having depressive symptoms since EVER, but I am not clinically diagnosed. I go about my day to day chattels, wondering why I'm such & such, then years after, I come across articles about depression & anxiety and relate to them. I've been thinking of seeing a professional since late last year, but I'm...shy. What if I'm only overreacting? I'm also thinking of, before going to a stranger-psychologist, sending Ms. Zandra (a former colleague in Letran, she was a guidance counselor there) a message--is this something I should be worried about? Do I really need to go to a professional? Well, she IS a professional. She is a licensed counselor--or something that has to do with psych. Maybe what I'm feeling is normal after all. Maybe it's because...well, I don't know. People go though tough shit everyday. I just have to keep fighting.

ANYWAY, I just finished watching Table 19 and I think the movie is adorable, uplifting, and Lisa Kudrow is there & there was a dog. When the closing credits started rolling, I realized I was lonely. I've kind of always been solitary, melancholic, sometimes seemingly godforsaken, but not exactly sad. But this, tonight, this "loneliness" that made itself felt, is a different kind and I don't know what to make of it. This current loneliness feels like it's connected to the fact that I have no one. Though maybe it's just an effect of my watching too much romantic films of late. In three days, I've watched Call Me By Your Name three times, excluding the many YouTube clips I've repeatedly viewed. I've also read the book (online) in two-three sittings. There were tears involved. It's a very nice love story that can hit anyone. May remind you of that first hint of longing for someone that you don't realize at first, then you do and you deny it, then you admit it to yourself and it keeps growing and growing and when they're so close and clueless about how your world is ready to fall apart when they look the other way, your skin feels like smoke is steaming out of it and if any part of them ever grazes any part of you that spot will smolder til sooner or later you're going to spontaneously combust, but not before your heart beats like the sound of an unborn baby's heart in an ultrasound, like it's going to burst anytime and then you're dead...without being able to say or do anything about that longing. Nobody knows but you, poor, helpless, dead you.

It's 430 AM now and I'm thinking of going out for a jog in a little while. I'm easing my way back into running. I missed a lot of weeks. Or maybe I'll jog in the afternoon.

Damn, I've almost forgotten about my loneliness.

4:35 AM. No, turns out I haven't. Good night, I suppose.

Jeep ride home, random thoughts

I just came from BPI to pay my BIR annual registration fee and boy did I beat that buzzer. Yes, that is me and my long-time issue with deadlines & due dates. Anyway, according to my period calendar, bloodshed is expected to arrive sometime this or next week. I would like to believe that that is the reason I've been feeling down lately. Hah, I have pre & post menstrual blues on all days I'm not bleeding. I think I have to push myself to run tomorrow morning. Let's see if it changes my mood for the better.

I may have found a new cyber friend on Reddit, depends if he/she replies to my last message, and my future messages if that turns out fine.

I miss having someone to love & hold, but I don't miss the stress that definitely comes with it.

I feel bummed that I don't seem to be cut out for family life--parenthood, being a spouse/partner, &c.

Damn, I want to cry. I hope there's no one there when I get home.

I want more money! I messaged three dubbing directors yesterday, two of them got back to me, said they'd keep me in mind for future projects. I hope they don't just keep me in their minds. I hope they actually hire me to write!

I think I should be more busy. That'd be a win-win for me, I guess: more money + less time to brood on my life's depressing points. Don't worry, self, projects are going to come. You're good at your job, you just have to work better on your time management.

I'm near home. Less than 5kms. I think I'm going to sleep.

One afternoon alone in a foodcourt

I feel it again.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Well, it's more like I feel it starting to lure me, suck me in again. I'm slowly sliding into it but I think I still have twigs left to hold on to. And I have to fight it this time, if I want 2018 to be better than every miserable year I've struggled through. I have to be better. Do better.

My mom thinks I hate my job because it pays low. Well, she's not entirely wrong but the blame is on me. I love my job so much I stay even when the pay is low. I believe in this industry. I just need to get out there. I need to be on a roll again. I need to believe in myself more than I ever have. Where to get consistency?

Ambient noise is the only embrace I've been getting these past years.

I think I'd like to date myself on my birthday. Hmm. Maybe I'll go get checked @ that psych facility in QC. Then maybe go watch a movie @ Ayala 30th (free tix c/o August!).

I'm at peace. These past days I've been dreaming of dead friends and honeymoon villas and flying. I'd love to talk, I have senseless things to say, words helplessly hanging on the tip of my wasabi prickled tongue, but I wipe them off with my sundae-stained napkin instead. No one wants to hear but myself.

What???

I don't know what the frakkk I'm doing (and what I want to do) with my life. I'm procrastination personified.

RT

Random blah.

Oh, the need to hold & be held by a fellow human. This, this is what I do not like about being single AND living in a far away town in a province WITH my mom and sister. Had I chosen to stay in the city, I probably wouldn't be this "thirsty," if you know what I mean, because random (or not random) people would be easier to reach and I'd be a bit more free to do things I want. Eh, dito, naku, wit. Nada. Nil. I thank the Lord and the Universe for occasional eye candies here and there, tho, but that's about it.

Now this is going to be TMI, but it has been almost three years since...if you know what I mean. And the last one was with someone I would rather forget, erase from my life altogether if possible.

Anyway, I have been running/exercising of late. It feels good. I can see and feel my body's improvement since I started jogging (for fun & occasional necessity) last year. Aside from feeling more refreshed & active, I have less thoughts of wanting my life to end (NOT ending my life, mind you). Yes, I'm the same lonely, solitary recluse I've always been, only a bit more hopeful about life in general. It feels good to be alive. I need to keep this up, I think.

There are still times I feel like crying for petty (and not petty) reasons, but I'm less sad now than I have been last year and the year before that, and the year before that.

I'm hearing mass later. I also have to cram two scripts. I'm thinking of hiking a nearby mountain next week. Lots of luck!

Oh, btw, currently crushing on Tormund Giantsbane. Tyrion's still at the top of my list, tho.

Bye, nonexistent reader!

Musings on the few char

Future.

For so long I thought my biggest regret in life was letting some crooked-toothed boy get away. Oh boy was I wrong. Now I regret ALL THE TIME I spent poring over his memories and trying to squeeze myself back into his life blah blah blah. I wish I could go back and focus all that energy into something worthwhile. Damn. I wish I had gotten into running a decade ago. I wish I had gotten into climbing a decade ago or earlier. Anyway, no use crying over that now. All I can do is make the most of my remaining youth and runa nd climb, at the same time fight the urge to bear a child JUST BECAUSE most of my closest girl friends are all married/engaged/familied. Ugh. Peer pressure sucks most of the time.

It scares the daylights out of me, but I can't wait to see what the future holds.

(I just came home from a dinner with my high school friends, btw.)

Perpetual singleness

I have yet to meet a peer who does not think of being single as being a failure, or as a stepping stone to finding the proverbial one, or as a phase or training ground for when I get hitched or something to that effect. Or a person who does not think that being childfree is selfish or a failure as well.

Sometimes it sucks to not be understood.

Yes, there is probably something wrong with me, but there is also probably something wrong with everybody else, so I think it is not wrong to assume that "something wrong with me" is not the main reason why I am single. Is it hard to digest that some people are single because they feel happier that way?

I don't believe in forever. I believe friendships, many forms of love, but only a little bit in romantic love.

I choose to be single and childfree. I am open to changing my mind, but that is not my priority. Let's see what happens.

I'm working on a script right now and I'm supposed to submit it in a few, so I'll probably get back to this topic some other time and I do not know when that is. Expect a long rant that's probs a bit illogical, but Idgaf.

Looking back on (not so) old journal entries on a kinda-full moon

February 2016

1038A

Need to finish Scooby 4 today. Light load, yes. Next week I have nothing to do. J THE LIFE! J How I wish I have some weed with me. I plan to go to either Samat or Zambales to celebrate my birthday in solitude.

1104P

I’m bored. I’m sleepy. I don’t want to work but I have to finish this Scooby script ASAP. Hayyyyyyy. I’ll do a page then sleep a bit then work again. God give me strength. I need a warm embrace, preferably from an attractive male. Being single doesn’t suck save for these moments. Lahat ng attractive guys na trip ko eh are not within reach. Not even within 250 kms. They’re seas away. Mountains away. Worlds away. (And even if they were here, I doubt they would want to hug me. Huhu)

I have a teeny little crush on *. Gushing over this person for several days now. Actually, I've had a thing for this person since some years back, when I first read what he has written--I didn't even know what this person looked like! This person is SO out there. I’m a fan. When I finally met this person in person (how's that for redundance?), I learned this person has a soothing voice, nice, fresh-faced smile, calm demeanor, is smart, has that angas & suplado aura but this person seems down to earth. Funny, too. & this person is not rude. Not tall, but fit as fuck, demmet, but one can tell that this person loves himself. This person's toenails are...okay--as you know, I have a thing about toenails & I don't know why. Anyway, I’ve weaved webs of daydreams about this person on my way home that time! Sa haba ba naman ng byahe. Sadly, there’s no chance of me seeing this person again save for FB. HUGE SAD SIGH. And even if I do get a chance to see this person again, what of it? I’m probably just going to stick my foot in my mouth and make a complete fool out of my pathetic self. This person has probably already forgotten we’ve even met. PR, keep your shit together. Anyway, I badly need a hug it makes me want to burst into tears. 

(FAST FORWARD TO TONIGHT. April 24, 2016. Time is 10:09 PM. I still kind of feel the same. I was wrong on one thing, though: I saw this person again, yay! Infatuation levels are very much under control, good news. Meanwhile, I'm getting sleepy but I have a script to finish. Will finish it tomorrow, but I gotta get something done tonight. I just thought of sharing a bit of myself on cyberspace, where nothing is sacred.)

Night

I saw an ex's photo on Instagram earlier tonight and I felt [I'm not sure what word to put, but I felt a punch in the chest when I saw his face, and that was before I felt my stomach turn a bit, but I guess I was just surprised to see his photo or whatever]. I'm still sorry I hurt him and left, but pushing myself to do that has turned my life around in so many ways. All for the better, I guess. Well, so much for that.

I hope I wake up early tomorrow so I can jog and, along the way, take a pic of River Lily (I named it that and you'll know why when you see it) in Cabetican so I can show it to you, nonexistent reader! It's quite a spectacle considering the location. I only hope the lilies are still in bloom.

Good night!

31

I've been 31 for almost two months now. Society tells me I should be feeling old--I've been officially a spinster since 25 according to Taty (well, I feel that way but it's all good). I'm happy that my friends do not ask me why I'm not married yet. I have few friends and most of them know that I do not believe in marriage and the so-called forever. I like weddings, tho, but please don't confuse the two. I am happy that others believe in marriage & forever and have found it and are happy with their life choices. Magic, yes, I believe in that, but those two, no. And I'm okay with it. I am not bitter. Maybe that is the reason why some of my past relationships did not work. Anyway, I'm blabbering. I should be working right now because I have a deadline to beat, but I am stalling instead. Damn, self.

Ugh. Back to work now. I've written a shit ton in my offline journal.

Oh, before I log out. Other people ask me why I'm not teaching. It's because of insecurity & my aim for perfection. If I do not believe I have what is expected of me, I would not bother. I do not have near-perfect grammar, so I opt to not teach English. I would guide people thru Literature, but I want to guide college kids and I need a masters degree for that and since I do not have that yet, I'm going to keep rewriting scripts til I can afford to do so. I give myself til I'm 35 to finish a graduate degree, then I'm going back to teaching. Yes, the bitch will definitely be back.

Logging out now.

Work

I should be working right now because I have a deadline to beat. Oh, deadlineS to beat. Good luck, bitch.

Each drag fills me with a familiar kind of guilt I have known all these years

A faimliar kind of good

Meanwhile

His voice brings me somewhere I wanna get carried away to

A state I didn’t think I’d ever want to go back into

Something I thought I won’t ever want to go through

A jigsaw without pieces to put together

But us two

Ghosts of a funny puzzle even a fool would not laugh at

Almost nonexistent save for a punch in the chest I want to fill with

Anything but you.

But you are the only one here and I do not want to make a choice

Again

Still wondering after all these years

I see posts & photos of my Facebook friends (yes, only on FB) and they're all so happy and I'm glad they're happy, but I feel kind of bad for myself. What do I do to have that kind of glimmer in my eye? *sigh* I hope I find it, stumble upon it. I want to be happy. This feeling makes me want to climb a mountain...or drown myself in alcohol (nah, health hazard). I'll get through this. Right, nonexistent reader? I give it a few days.

I go to the hills when my heart is lonely

When I was in first year college, I wanted to join the UST Mountaineering Society, but my mom and aunt&uncle (who were financing my schooling) were against it. They said it was not safe, I wouldn;t get anything out of it, I might fall of  a cliff, get killed by civilians, etc.  I cried about it for an extended period, as expected, and each time I passed by the group’s supposed “tambayan,” I would hopelessly wish I could join. I wrote that wish in one of the blank pages in my mind, folded it neatly and tucked it somewhere between the crevices of my heart.

In September 2013, 11 years later, I officially climbed my very first mountain and fell madly in love with the experience. Though I was not able to go to the summit (my friends were hungover from the night’s drinking sesh) and it was rainy and I was suffering from colds, I can honestly say I had a blast in Mt. Daguldol. I hope to go back one day and conquer the peak. 

The lonely page I tucked away unfolded before my eyes and I vowed to climb more mountains after that. Sadly, my resources would not allow. However, I was able to climb three mountains in 2014. I will continue writing some other time. I gotta get back to work. 

BTW, I had my first ever day hike last Sunday, March 22, in Mt. Arayat, Pampanga. At the time, I thought I'd never go back because I had a difficult time, but when I got home that night, thinking about my climb, I changed my mind. I am going back to Mt. Arayat. It's crazy how I learned a lot of things during that dayhike. When/how to let go/hold on, and not to make decisions when tired, among many others. I'll write next time. Maybe even post pictures for you, my nonexistent reader! You keep me going! 

It only sucks that I did not push myself to do this earlier. By this, I mean climbing mountains.

First pic, view fromthe North Peak.

Second pic, me hugging a boulder somewhere after Haring Bato, which we missed

Third, my favorite photo, South Peak, before going down. 

In the last two is my friend, Noi, who hiked with me that day. Thank the Universe for him!

Jog

In preparation for my upcoming mountain climbs this year, I have started jogging. Yesterday. With my dog Octavio in tow. I started with 20 minutes per day. Tomorrow I hope to increase it to 30, and then run up and down our stairs at home for another 30 minutes. I am excited. I cannot wait. 

Why this sudden jogging/stairs blah? I attended this Basic Mountaineering Course over the weekend and it inspired me a lot to get fit and climb mountains. When I'm in the mood, I'll write about it here. It was very fulfilling & inspiring. I also met new friends!

I am set to climb Mt. Natib on March 28-29, Mt. Tarak sometime after that, and Mt. Pulag (Akiki-Ambangeg trail) in June. I also hope to be able to join my new friends in Mt. Apo in November, but I need to buy a plane ticket first to secure my spot. Oh well, Mt. Apo is just there, I can climb it another time. 

Now back to work. 

30

I am turning 30 in five days. I would love to travel, but I can't afford it. 

It has been so long since I last read a YA book (I've been reading F. Scott Fitzgerald of late). I'm now reading Cecelia Ahern's "Love, Rosie" (yes because of the film) and it only reminds me of the most stupid mistake I have ever committed in my life. Letting _ _ go (yes, after all these years). 

Right now I feel like there is a void in my chest and I want it gone. 

LB #2

No matter how I LOVE being independent and shit, there are moments when I think it will make me happier if I belonged to someone (maybe, very seldom) or in some group, but I find it extremely hard to blend and fit in.

I savor the moments I get to laugh with other people on a certain joke, exchange knowing glances or smiles with others regarding a certain event, get applauded for a job well done, etc. These happen seldom in my life, so I make sure I relish them, even when I deny it (grin).

I have always found it hard to socialize and make friends, and even harder to STAY in relationships without feeling like the world is crashing on me.

Nothing stays for long, so I take what I can get and make happy memories.

My dog Octavio more than makes up for those "down" times. :-) He's the best.

LB #1

When I was in first year college, I wanted to join the UST Mountaineering Society, but my mom and aunt&uncle (who were financing my schooling) were against it. I cried about it for an extended period, as expected, and each time I passed by the group’s supposed “tambayan,” I would hopelessly wish I could join. In 2013, 11 years later, I officially climbed my very first mountain and fell in love with the experience. Though I was not able to go to the summit (my friends were hungover from the night’s drinking sesh) and it was rainy and I was suffering from colds, I can honestly say I had a blast in Mt. Daguldol. I hope to go back one day and conquer the peak. Next year, I hope to finish a BMC organized by AMCI or, if I enroll in UP for graduate school (fingers crossed!!), UPM. AND RE-CLIMB TARAK RIDGE ON A NON-RAINY DAY.

Quit

I quit my job yesterday. It's a freelance thing, though, but it's one of my "steady" ones. I feel bad, like I've broken up with someone. Except for the financial side, I feel at peace now and more relaxed. Time to get into something better.

99 days of Freedom?

Would I feel free? Will I be able to keep it up? Ten days ago, I joined this experiment called "99 Days of Freedom" where I'm not supposed to log into my Facebook account for 99 days and see what it does to me. The site, http://99daysoffreedom.com/, promised to contact me after 33, 66 and 99 days of non-Facebook and see how I do, and send me sporadic and "completely anonymous" happiness surveys.

Truth be told, I'm missing it now and I do not know if I can keep up. I shamefully miss playing Candy Crush. I KIND OF miss stalking some people and knowing what they are up to--at least through photos posted/tagged, events, likes, etc. Yes, call me creepy, that's how I've kind of always been, but I believe I am not the creepiest there is.

According to a press release, 99daysof freedom is a non-proft initiative launched by Just B.V., a creative communications agency from the Netherlands, as a response to Facebook's controversial mood experiment, aiming to determine "how life without Facebook impacts user happiness."

The experiement asks willing people to refrain from using Facebook for 99 days, complete with an official countdwon, and then comment on how it has affected their personal happiness. They also provide a message board where participants can post how they are holding up during the break.

I'm a freelance writer and I work at home, in our house in the province, far away from my friends. Facebook is one of my few connections with them and my relatives, but it is by far the biggest distraction in my life so far. Meanwhile, people I care about know my cell phone number and if they want to get in touch with me they can just shoot me a text. Or maybe an email. I think what makes Facebook more preferred by most is that they are not required to exert a considerable amount of effort in keeping others updated with their howabouts as one would in making a call where they 1) spend so much for it, 2) become obliged to answer right away and 3) hello, awkward small talk.

Blah, blah, blah, I can go on, but it's beet ten days and what has happened to me? Do I feel the freedom? Yes, I am feeling it, but I kind of miss being enslaved by FB. Funny how change is creepier than us but we succumb to it because we have no choice.

I miss the people I follow on Facebook, mainly those who I like but am not really close to ^_^

I am going to keep this up. Last weekend, I went on a solo trip to Zambales. I'm going to write about it here one time. Next week, I'm climbing a mountain. I hope it doesn;t rain! Right now I'm trying to work but I've been distracted by...stuff.

It is not Facebook;s fault that I get distracted by it. It's my own discipline "issues." I hope the 99-day experiment helps me improve on that aspect. Oh, discipline, I gotta learn you; I gotta do you.

Meanwhile, I'm getting back to work. Bye, non-existent reader!

I quit Facebook yesterday...

...and I am not sure what I feel now. I'm reactivating it after the Holy Week, but I am not 100% sure if I will really do that. If I even manage to stay the hell away from it until then. My fingertips are itching to log-in to my account, but each time I find myself feeling such, I ask myself, "What good will it do?" 

Facebook has kind of taken over my life these past years, and has made me better in a lot of aspects. Because of Facebook I have become a better procrastinator, a WAY better stalker than I could ever have allowed myself to be. Oh, I have also become better at being miserable in so many ways. 

Will temporarily quitting it make me a different person? Will it have an impact on others? What does it even mean? I do not know. I just woke up one day and felt stressed out after checking my Facebook account and decided to quit it for a while. Will my 1,900++ friends miss me? Would any of them even notice? 

Since quitting, I have done more productive things. I was able to watch two movies (re-watched BBC's "Pride & Prejudice" and "Fight Club"), write in my offline journal, write here, cook some weed butter (ha ha) and focus on some work. 

I hope things turn out well. I hope I do not find the pressure to go back to Facebook. I'll try to write here as much as I can--since nobody reads it anyway, save for strangers from a distant part of the world. 

I think I might post recipes here, or whatever. We'll see.

Once upon a night in Makati

February 10, 2014

0500a

A lot of things have happened since I last wrote here. Very eye opening &...I have no other words for it.  I am utterly amazed at God’s wisdom & him letting me make a complete fool out of myself just to make me see His damn point. (Fine. I’m spilling SOME beans. I spent part of the night at **’s room. Very wholesome, mind you. I brought happy brownies & we got stoned. I thought it was going to be a blast. It was fun, but not a blast. Actually it was only borderline fun. He chose to sleep it off. I watched this Thai film then I listened to music on my phone. I was really tired & sleepy & so high, but I fought the force to lay down beside him—since there was no other place to lie down on—because I did not go there to sleep. I went there as a friend who just wants to have some stoned fun with another friend. Agh. I missed having a friend in him. I hope to see him again. AS A FRIEND. You know what, seeing him is helping me let him go & move on. Everytime I see him, I realize there are a lot of things more important than pining for his so-called love. I realized that no matter what the hell happened to us in the past, I don't deserve to be treated like dirt. I am not a slut. I am not a consolation prize. I am not a go-to girl--if you know what I mean. Maybe it has something to do with my "declaration of feelings" last December. Hay. HUGE load off my back.)

Today is Weedsday butter mania

 11A
I have resolved to stay alone and be platonically & divinely in love with everyone around me instead of screwing some poor person’s life just because I want to have a taste of romantic love for an unspecified period of time. I know I will run away sooner or later, and that would not be good. I used to think that me feeling this way is ABNORMAL until I came to accept it. Embrace who I am. I would rather focus on GIVING THE KIND OF LOVE I AM GOOD AT instead of trying very hard & getting stressed out in trying to fit into the mold of being a good girlfriend or wife. I do believe I can be a good mother someday, if that is part of God’s plan for me. I would like to have a son. I will nickname him Jared (after the ever-beautiful Jared Leto!!!) maybe his long name would be Javier (insert name starting with R). The boy will take my surname as I resolve to be a single mom. J Ja would be fine enough a nickname. Jared is hard to pronounce. Agh.

 

Meanwhile, it’s the 22^nd and I have not even looked at my DDT (Damn Dictionary Thing) huhuhu. I'm supposed to submit it in a week. Good luck. Sana ma-release na yung TF ko sa 20Plus. HAAAAAYYY. I really need to find another means to make moolah. Gotta pay the bills & my one last loan @ BDO. Nakuuuuu I wonder how much I still have to pay given my delinquent payment history.

 

Going back to romantic love, I believe in it, I think it is nice & cool, but I don’t give a fuck’s ass if I don’t have it now. I gotta focus on getting my shit together first before focusing on that.

 

Oh, by the way, I spent yesterday baking happy brownies. First, I decarboxylized what remained of the W by baking it at 250-260F for 20-30 minutes until it was brown and crisp. I crumbled it with my fingers until most of it was loose & powdery. Then I cooked it on on the stove, on low, with 1 stick + a little more (next time I should cook it with 1.25 sticks if I wanna yield a stick in the end) of butter for about three hours. After cooking, I strained it very well with a piece of cloth, then proceeded to make two batches of brownies, which I cut into 1.2 square inch pieces. J I took one last night, around 9, then wonders started to kick in at around 10. I was shitfaced by 11pm (YES because my eyes were abnormally bloodshot!), watched The Great Gatsby (it was so good to watch it under the influence—I could feel every twitch in Leo’s face tugging at some nerve in my heart, making my eyes well up) on my phone, then I willed myself to sleep—BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER SLEEP IT OFF THAN RISK my mom seeing me shitfaced. I woke up at 5am. GOD. The last time I was that high was in 2007 or 2008  during my D-days. Goodness. Ngayon I know half a brownie is enough for a fine buzz.

 

1130a

I wanna climb a mountain. That wall near the Sandugo store would be enough. I just wanna climb something!!!!!!!

 

1133a

I choose not to dwell on the bad things unless I wanna get into a bad mood. Back to work. I’m 11 stories behind.

"If you're happy with what you know, do you deserve explanation with what you don't?" -Little Black Book, 2004

I discovered that my boyfriend of two years has been hiding a lot of things from me, things which I have come to know through happenstance and...a bit of stalking. Fine. A lot.

I have a lot of work to do right now, so I will have to write about this thing when I get the time. Ugh. This sucks. I just want someone who can be true to himself and to me as well. I do not think I can spend a huge part of my life with a person I barely know.

Tired

Sometimes all you need is a good cry to get you moving forward, forward, forward.

Self hug

Dear Self,
You are not a failure. Success is around the bend, and, since life only has long avenues for you, you have to keep walking.
Walk briskly, as briskly as you can, if you must, but do not run. Running poses a higher chance of  stumbling* and bruising yourself badly--you might fracture a bone or something, and we cannot afford that. Plus, you know how you palpitate and nearly faint when you force yourself to run.
Keep a steady pace and do not stop. Walk slowly, if you must, but do not stop. You have stopped in your tracks before and look where it got you.
If you must stop to smell the flowers, as they say, do so, but do not get stuck in smelling them all day. You will also have to find a way to plant your own flowers while walking, so other walkers may stop and smell them too. Anyway there will always be flowers wherever you go, they may not just be as colorful and redolent as other flowers in other places.
And always remember that I love you.
XO, Self

*because you know how you can stumble just by merely standing up, and you've had enough stumbling for a lifetime.

Random musing on double mastectomy

So. I just found out today that Angelina Jolie has undergone double mastectomy because she is at risk for having breast cancer. In her NYT open letter Tuesday, Jolie encouraged girls to, well, not exactly, but more or less realize that 'an ounce of prevention is better than a pound (or any insane amount) of cure.'

Last year, my doctor found some small lumps in my left breast and advised me to undergo a breast ultrasound, and so I did. It turned out I had several minuscule lumps in both breasts--oh, my small boobs, I never thought they had it in them! The ultrasound doctor told me to have another one done after six months so they'll see what happens to the lumps, whether they progress or stay the same. If they progress, that is if they increase in size and volume, I definitely have something to worry about. Otherwise, I can go on with my peaceful life and just stay healthy.

Due to lack of financial resources--actually, I had money. I just could not afford to spend them on me, because I had bigger responsibilities to shoulder: brother's college education & expenses, bills, loans, etc.--I was not able to go back to the hospital for another ultrasound. But looking back, I think I should have tightened my belt WAY more and had the damn test done.

Now, I am 28 and I am not getting any younger. My former office mate's sister--God rest her soul--had cancer when she was 24 and died when she was 27. Gosh. Only god knows what could happen to me.

Two months ago, an aunt of mine was diagnosed of stage 1 cancer and had her right breast removed. Her family said that my aunt is now cancer-free, but since the cancer cells in her body are active, the doctor advised her to undergo chemotherapy to prevent it. I do not know if that exactly is the case as I did not want to pry too much, but as of this writing, my aunt has undergone a chemo session and has lost some of her hair. Well, I was told her kids bought her several wigs to mask the baldness. Anyway, I should see her soon. I miss her, but....so much for that.

By the way, I really need to raise funds for my breast ultrasound.

Agh. back to work.

BUT before I go back to work, let me just say that I am, uh, well, flat-chested and a double mastectomy--or any kind of mastectomy--is guaranteed to make me flatter-chested than before. Oh well.

Now I'm really going back to work.

There are so many things I want to just let go right now so I can feel lighter. I wish. I wish.

sad time

I'm deleting my Multiply site soon. I do not feel like maintaining it anymore. I want to delete my Facebook account as well, but since it's the only connection i have with some important people in my life (friends from elementary, long-time friends i rarely see, relatives who hate me, etc.), I can't bring myself to erase it. Maybe i should just screen my friends list. Maybe i am going to delete some profiles in my list. Profiles that bring bad vibes. Profiles that bring so many happy memories they make me sad.

Fail

I would like to think that I am not a failure.

Buckets of lists

I do not have a single bucket list of things I want to do before I die, or at least before I get all bedridden and senile with old age--if I live to be old. Instead, I have several buckets of lists here and there, written on different notebooks, pages of [my] books, personal journals, back of receipts, doodled on cards, typed in my cell phone, etc. One day soon, I'll gather all those and post them here as one long entry, just because.

It would be lovely to be able to cross everything out of that list, but that depends.

Now going back to work.

Musing on Holy Week

There are some (...actually, a LOT of) things I wish I didn't do. Everyone makes mistakes, yes, but mine have put a strain on important relationships :-( I wish I can still somehow make things right again.

Thankful!

I have a lot to be thankful for. 

I have just re-started freelancing and, though I am not yet making steady money, I am happy. I love what I do it scares the daylights out of me. But I am thankful. 

Soon, I will start investing for my retirement. I do not want to work my ass off until I'm 60 (or even 50) and go on living from paycheck to paycheck. I have less than 25 years to make that happen. If there are other less strenuous options to being wealthy, as I am sure there are, I'll give them a shot. 

I do not want to be a slave anymore and I have taken my first baby steps out of slavery. It is not easy, but I know I'll manage. I can do this!

Oh and one of my other plans is to start blogging seriously and sensibly. 

My life has undergone A LOT of changes since I last wrote. I am not in L***** anymore. I quit A****, too. I do not live in I********* anymore. I weigh 1** lbs no longer. :)


I let go of a steady life to follow my dreams. I have a new job now as a writer for A**. My dream is to secure a job in S***** M****. Unfortunately, all my applications have not been considered--as I think, because I have never gotten a single call since I started sending applications in February. Oh well, maybe I do not really want to work there. I can't work in a super structured company who dwell on physical appearances and material things alone. Anyway, maybe I'll get considered, one day, someday. 


My current job lets me work at home, at my most convenient time, which is at night. I love my new job. Fine, I miss my former colleagues in L***** and I kind of miss wearing uniforms, but apart from those, wala na. I do not miss A**** AT ALL. Not one bit. Well, maybe except for my batch mates, who I still get to see once in a great while. I miss having loads of money in my pocket, but I do not miss being overworked with stuff that I drag myself every single motherF-ing day to do. As Meryl Streep, as Donna, in Mamma Mia said in a totally different context, "I'm just...glad that whole part of my life is over!"


Going back to work now. I need to finish five more articles before 2:30 a.m.

Life is a strange hodgepodge of a lot of things

God is strange. And he makes use of strange ways to direct our lives, my life at least.

Who would've thought I'd ever get over someone I was deliriously crazy about for almost a decade? Man, WAS he in my system.

I swam through (well, think I drowned in) an ocean of emotions during those years (2002-2010). OCEAN I do not even want to ttalk about now, because there is not enough time to talk about it. How does one start to talk about an ocean of something? I do not wanna be spending so much time on the past. Maybe someday I will be able to revisit whatever was there in that ocean, but not now. I'd like to think I am happy now.

I do not want to fall again into my own solitary trap of feeling comfortable with being pushed aside, being unwanted.

I was stoic at all the SEEMINGLY wrong times and I do not want that anymore.

Bye!

Let bygones be bygones. :)

Hello, nonexistent reader!

How are you? it's been almost a year since I last wrote here. Nothing much has changed, really. I pretty much feel the same, look the same. I have an alternate blog I write in when internet connection's down. It's in my computer. Just a small house of random thoughts. Maybe one day I will post it here as one loooong entry. Maybe I won't.

From my house of random thoughts

I feel like crap.  I always say that I want to go home.  I do not even know where home is anymore.  Do I want to go home to my cramped and stinky dorm?  Do I want to go home in the province where my mom will bombard me with stories of other people’s problems?  I dunno.  Right now, home is where peace is.  On the other hand, Ate Karen’s condo kind of feels like where I want to be right now.  I do not know where to go.  Maybe some place where I can cry without being judged..  I feel like crying right now and I am not exactly sure why. My hair looks bad, I have  a ginormous pimple on my left cheek, I feel bloated, I gained weight, and I want to go home!  Bad hair day.  I want to buy books.  I want to go shopping.  I want to exercise because I read in an internet article that exercise helps the body secrete these hormones which make you feel less sad.  I wanna perspire my sadness out of me. L

I want to go home.  Badly.  I think my eyes hurt. I want to go home!!! 

i feel sick

I feel tired. I feel sad. I get headaches almost everyday that they've become dull pains already.

I can't help crying over petty thoughts most of the time. I feel empty and alone most of the time. For all I know I may be depresed, which cannot be. I cannot be depresed.

Most of the time I feel bored and uninterested, even in work. Sometimes even with my own friends. Worse, with my family. I just want to sleep all day. Sometimes I just want to lie down and think. Sometimes I just want to lurk alone in some place. I want to get away. Maybe I need a vacation.

I want to go to the beach alone. Watch the waves alone. Eat alone. Sun bathe alone. Travel alone. I know I am not going to commit suicide anyway, no matter how sad I might become.

Here is where I want to go right now:

La Luz Beach Resort, batangas. I wish I could go with someone to cut back on expenses but I want to be alone.

before i leave for my medical exam

i'm having my medical exam today. i was supposed to have gotten through it by now but because my bed decided to be extra magnetic today, i was not able to get up early and on time.

anyway. i need my medical exam so the company i applied at will know if i am fit to work. i hope the results turn out good (especially now that i know that i'm negative of any drug trace, haha). i pray that my lungs don't have spots, my urine is clear and uninfected, my blood is normal, and things i'm not really familiar with but i hope they all turn out gooooooooooood.

as a loved one said in a relatively different context, this is 'for our sake' so it has to freaking turn out good.

i'm just finishing my lunch now (a pasta dish that i concocted the day before yesterday) and it damn tastes good. perhaps i should just forget my wild dreams of writing and being published so i can become a world-class chef, eh? nah. i'll continue to be a slave to the pen even if it hates me so much. i'm just happy i can cook a little now.

i am utterly annoyed at myself

so i took time evaluating my stupid blog days ago and i can say i am right a bout one thing--and more. specifically, yes, it IS stupid. more so, pathetic.

this is supposed to help me hone my nonexistent writing skills but as i examined each entry i had posted, turns out that about a third of my whole blog shit is composed of online personality (et. al.) tests results. four-fifths of my entries are written in tagalog and/or taglish. much of what i have written consist of my rants, raves, and sheer helplessness. ..but hey. i'm actually using math. hehe. fake, trying hard math, though. but still, math.

maybe this is a start. i could be a mathematician someday. then i should write more and evaluate what i write more. good, good, good.

here's a list of what i plan on writing about:

• love
• my dad
• my relatives
• my officemates
• my self
• my friends
• my theatre group
• tita naty
• my favorite place in the world
• things that are never forgranted
• my friends' quirky interests
• other people's wild preoccupation with other people's lives
• our good gvernment and its good governance over its people
• heaven
• my religion

ambitious. i hope i can even start writing my day-to-day shit in straight english (my grammar is crooked, i know and i'm a little embarrassed about it but i'm really trying to improve).

good thing pala i got annoyed. annoyance brings pleasant discoveries. ^_^

can't believe it. ows? di nga?

What's Your Dark Side?

My Result: Going Too Far

From swinging to dangerous heights on the jungle gym to buying that pricey sweater in every color, the one thing you can be depended on to do is, well, too much. It may not work out perfectly all the time, but you're the one who will try your hardest to go the farthest, and that's usually what it takes to get ahead. And we love it! After all, nobody ever changed the world by playing it safe.

Sure you take it easy sometimes, since you can't live life on the edge all the time. Still, everyone appreciates your grand gestures and big passions, and they can't wait to see what you're going to do next. Way to keep everyone guessing!

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=darksideogt&c=50652

dahil gusto kong may tina-type para di mapagbintangang walang ginagawa

at dahil..

..nako-corny-han akong mag-blog tungkol sa sarili ko

..hindi ako tiwala sa grammar ko

..wala akong ginagawa [sa ngayon] sa office

..frustrated ako sa ilang bagay

..libre ang internet use

..gusto kong kumain kaso malapit na ang lunch break so mamaya na lang

..sa maraming bagay pang nag-bo-bother sa'ken ngayon

hindi pa ko nagtatrabaho officially (as in with the appointment papers & moa, uniform, etc.) but i feel that i'm staring to feel what i hate to admit that i know i will feel SOON. ...I miss being a student.

and i miss my life's non-complexities. i wish i could go back in time when i didn't have to worry about awful things. (sigh)

i feel terribly miserable. it's cold but my miserable little self is craving for vanilla ice cream.

JB's Letter to Celine.(pucha. ang jologs ko ba? naiyak ako nung nabasa ko 'to kase masugid na taga-subaybay ako ng telenovela-ng to. at. hindi ko napanood ang part na ito.)

My Dear Celine,

One day, I will disappear completely. The letters will mean nothing. The world will get tired of me. You will get tired of me. I will get tired of myself, and I...and I will never get tired of you. For you… there will be NO endings. I will say your name over and over like a refrain. My prayer to no one. Then I'll be a flower, the one you'll never pick and will endure the breathless waiting until boundaries disappear.

With nothing to do, I make new constellations images of you as I remember. Dancing, sitting, walking. There are stars from a different view, but still I see nothing but you. Unfurling like a flower, swiveling like a leaf, I once watched you sleep beside me. It was dark then, but the darkness is deeper now. Tonight in my dreams I will see you, my lady, clothed only in light.

Like a kite, I've given myself up to the wind. I made friends with the sun. Confuse the birds with strange and distant voyages, but it is you that ties the thread and holds me down. Like a kite, I will forver hold your hand and with a burning human longing in your hands, I surrender.

Celine reading "I will never get tired of you..."
JB: For you there will be NO endings.
Celine reading "I will say your name over and over…"
JB: celine...celine...like a refrain a prayer to no one.
Celine reading "you know i will never get far and there is no need for my return.
JB: only travelers leave. I've never been a traveler. For I have never left. I am lost, simply wanting to be in a place that i've never been and will never be. Of all destinations I long to be lost in the fields of your hair. Lost among your thoughts as you are already in mine.
Celine reading, "You are my will to live."
JB: My life started when I loved you and that's how I want it to end.

Yours Forever,
JB