almost new.,

hi, blog.
i missed posting. for myself.
well, merry christmas!
feels like its been several years...
2007 has been really difficult for me in all aspects: emotionally, financially, mentally, physically, spiritually--name it. luckily for me i've gone through it quite well, apparently.

any[freaking]way.
i received a gift yesterday from my cousin. it was on of the two shirts she bought me. its green, it has a peace sign and the word PEACE on it. I love it so much.

i am hoping for a peaceful, fruitful, prosperous, filled-with-love 2008!

one looong collective blog entry, months delayed

(sometime in May 2007)

I have this indiscreet fantasizing of Lorca hating me because his duende sneaked out one night and slept with me instead of some muse-like human draped in flimsy, luminous skin.

Yeah, right, paula. Let your imagination run riot to their ruins!
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May 15, 2007

Im listening to Totoy Bato right now and I am giving away! I mean I’m almost to tears wanting to laugh out loud but can’t. sobrang nakakatawa!! Sigh, I just love Capampangan Folk Songs.
Fine. I’m spilling.
Truth of the matter is...I’m feeling anxious these past few days. I’m so paranoid about my so-so bond with D. I mean, its not that its US or we’re TOGETHER or something—because we aren’t. It’s just that…I feel something is not quite right.
I think I’m starting to develop something for D. Something I can’t afford to freaking develop at this point. I have nothing to brag to the world but I feel rebellious. Next thing I know, I’m pushing and pulling with the devil himself.
I do not want to rebel. Maybe I just want to love, and, nonchalantly, be loved. Does it really have to come with a steep price? Why do I seem to keep messing with the wrong guys?
I think I have to stop seeing D.
Ugh. Just HOW am I going to handle that?
I mean D’s the only person who understands—aside from my girl-friends, of course—me. We hover over the same wavelength. we already enjoyed each other’s company even before this thing came about. We were sort-of-strangers who got along pretty well. I like being friends with him. I mean, I can be me when I’m with him. Super. But when he said he has this thing for me, befell the rise of my cynical self.
Breathe..
Breathe..
Deep breath..
Blink, blink.
WHAT WAS I THINKING when I’d written all that? I couldn’t possibly be in love with D. That would be ridiculously absurd and destructive. If I give in to my pathetic romantic otherself, it means I am cutting myself off AGAIN from my family with the chance of being either somewhat happy, or not happy at all. I can’t afford to do that now. I’m yet too below the line to even be thinking such.

Bahala na. I like our friendship as it is. I hope we’d be friends for a looooooong time.

And that’s about it.

Did I confuse you or something? Not my fault.
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DUENDE!!!

Come sleep with me again. I need to write badly. But I can’t. Help me see my world with no height at all. No depth. Just see my world as it is, a foot sole looking back or an toenail looking ahead.
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Next time I lay my gaze upon this screen, it has already lost its shine, turned gray—some obscure 30’s cartoon gone mad—never silver without you—just some plain translucent cloth hung on a wall left to rot.
My next Breakfast in bed will never be as beautiful as you made my fist one seem.

It makes me quiver to think that next time I enter this gate, I will not be holding your hand. Not that I have held it the last time. Not that I have held your hand, ever.
...in my mind I have held it tight forever.
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May 21, 2007
I feel so sleepy. I want to go home and sleep. I feel narcoleptic. Am I? I cant be but I can possibly be. Yeah, whatever.

I am bored.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
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June 21, 2007

Duende!

I finally was able to find a pipe yesterday. Somewhere in Recto. Its small, and cheap. But it works. I tried it last night with my weed. Ah…weed. Its all I got now. All I can depend on. Temporary escape from everything. Sigh. Cant wait to smoke. Sigh.
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June 28, 2007

Ok. So. Fine. I miss him bugging me all the time. And I hate it. I’ll smoke it all out later. Sigh.

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July 18, 2007

I am so down with something I do not want to be down with. So, so down. So freaking down.

Why and how do other couples last for years? I mean, even a couple of months is too much for me. Or maybe I haven’t been in love enough. Have I ever loved anyone at all? Ever?
…lagi kasing may sabit sa’kin e. its not that I expect my next real, true, tangible, long-term relationship to be hassle-free. But Of All hassles, why this? Why with my family? Hu-way? Or maybe I’m weak. Maybe I do not want to fight for someone I love because it would not be easy. Maybe I think this other person’s going to leave me a week or a month after getting into my pants. Maybe I’m too fucking selfish. Too mundanely selfish. Everything for myself. And I am starting to hate me.

Paula, much as I do not want to think you do not have a backbone, I think you do not have a backbone.

ANYWAY.

Ok. So its going to be his birthday next month. I do not know what to give him.
Perhaps I could:
- make a thousand paper cranes, box them and give them to him with a letter saying I would rather have him as my soul mate than anyone else in this world.
- Bring him cake with a lighted candle, in the middle of the night, wherever he may be.
- Act stalker-ish and stand outside his house and then text him to look out his window. He would see me then waving at him, holding a cake with a lighted candle.
- Voice-record messages for him, saying everything I have always wanted to tell him but for some reasons could not.
- Cook something for him.
- Throw him a party with all his friends invited. (ya, like I have the means to do that.)
- Tell him I love him.
- Invite him for a sleep over (Wednesday night) at my place, watch movies, have some wine, smoke, and ….. (nyahahahahahaha!)
- Text him a message and not say anything about wanting to see him that day.
- Not make myself exist that day, enough to make him hate me forever—which I do not think I could handle. The mere thought of it makes me cringe.
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July 24, 2007

Pag ba nagmahal ka ng isang tao mahal mo siya palagi? Do you feel love for this person each time you hear his name or see his face? Do you have to love him all the time for you to say you love him? Isn’t “loving him” most of the time enough to say you love him? Does the feeling have to exist every single second?
But what if it doesn’t? I think I love this person but I do not feel the same all the time. So what the hell could that possibly mean? Am I just using him? I like it when he’s around. He makes me happy—most of the time. But there are times I do not want to see his face or hear his voice or read his messages because I feel guilty of not feeling the same at that moment.
There are times I want him around because of…ktrs. Shameful, but true. Specially when I’m all hungry and smoked-out. Yes, every time I am smoked out.
HIGH AND SMOKED-OUT.
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July 25, 2007

I am only a night short of being officially MANHID (more so, APATHETIC). Yes. And for the first time in many years, I do not feel bad about it. AT ALL.

sheer

mindoro was FUN. really. i got pictures here:

marami pang pix kaso tinatamad akong mag-upload.

and i don't think i'm in the mood right now to write and upload.

i'm currently confused and losing hope.

my mom's resigned from her work as a cashier at her friend's school's canteen. i do not have anyone to support me financially anymore. i am torn between graduating as a working student and quitting SAP and finding a job to support me and my family. i feel responsible for my family's needs. had i finished on time, i should be working now. i do not know what to do, my words are plain, flavorless, do not have color.

i could not even think of anything to write anymore.

plainly put,

i do not know what to do.

i am going to mindoro on June 1!!

and i can't wait.

can't wait.

can't wait.

i want so badly to smoke. i got my own pack, my own lighter..all i need is a place to fucking smoke.

i can't wait to graduate, get a decent job, several rakets and lots of money so i'll be able to buy and maintain a car (or cars), build and maintain a home for my family, rent or buy and maintain my own place, get a pet or pets, and..the gods might want to sprinkle my life with romance too..

i'm so corny.

bye, creature of the deep!

i feel anxious about anything.

i feel paranoid about everything.

i feel hated by everybody.

i feel utterly useless and lazy.

i feel unwanted.

i feel i'm not taken seriously.

i feel i'm exaggerating things.

i feel fat (fine).

i feel like smoking again--after i quit a few days ago.

i feel like there's always something wrong with me.

i feel like crying after work.

i feel like...plain shit.

i 'm loving umberto eco at the moment.

i can't help it. i love him so much even before i read him.

i must've been that "Medium Placed Person, who doesn't have to be bribed, [...] at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles who risked a dangerous favor for his/her favorite columnist [Eco]" in my past life.

impossible. that incident happened only in 1988.

sigh.

sharing a snip of one of my early May nights:

the bar's stage was only three steps from where we were. and an obscure rock band was playing covered songs i did not know. me and my vague-attempt-of-a-hero companion had to shout in each other's ears to communicate. i couldn't even remember having understood any of his questions like i do not remember myself understanding anything he had said except, "dito ka na lang, wag ka na umalis.."

yun muna, :-p

I missed posting.

I have a lot to write, I can't think of a good intro. So I end up not writing anything.

I just fucking missed posting.

**why do i fuck too much these days?**

sigh.

oh. my. G.

I'VE CHANGED

I bought a stick of yosi just a few minutes ago and ended up throwing it on the sidewalk before I could even smoke half of it. I never imagined myself not finishing a single stick of cigarette. Well I did and I felt alarmed.

BUT

This isn't the only time I felt alarmed these past few days. Last night, instead of waiting for my only favorite telenovela (uh, Maging Sino Ka Man), I crawled under the covers and slept unconscientiously. Without putting an alarm on my cellphone for the next day.

Then this morning, I woke and got up WITHOUT an alarm. on time. Imagine that. On FUCKING time.

IT'S OKAY

Now I wonder if I'm just being paranoid or plain exaggerated or if I was just too plainly stupid to realize changes in myself. I do not know.

I'm confused, I'm a little (well, a lot) on the emotional side right now. I haven't figured out why just yet. Well I guess I do not really want to figure it out at this point. I don't want to figure it out ever.

I guess I could as well leave it at that and let it pass. I know I'll wake up normal again. perhaps tomorrow, or maybe later--in the middle of the night.

I THINK I'M FINE, ANYWAY

ooh..i missed blogging.

happy new year!!

ok, too much for pathetic musings

masayang bagong taon sa lahat!

angsaya palang magkaron ng variety of friends no.

grabe.

ganito ko c-in-elebrate ang pasko ko:
-nagising at nagbalot ng regalo para sa mga utol ko
-nag-entertain ng mga bisita (mga bisitang di usually tinatanggap sa ibang household dahil sila ay: maingay, madungis, at magulo--not to mention may matinding b.o ung iba)
-un lang maghapon.

after ng pasko, inampon kami ng mga kamag-anak ko, at nagpunta sa e.k.
ansaya din nun!!

ganito ko naman c-in-elebrate ang new year ko:
-dec.30 andun nkme ng nanay at kapatid ko sa bahay ng auntie ko.
-dec.31 ng umaga: we went to church. but as soon as i stepped out the car, naipit ung right middle finger ko sa pinto--yun, ansakit, ouch, muntik akong magcollapse.
-dec.31 ng hapon: i had my hair cut shorter and dyed it red. astig.
-n.y.'s eve: i was at raja sulayman roaming around, taking pictures, orange-izing costumes, smoking, laughing, and finally watching fireworks while getting used to a lot of people looking at me. i don't know, perhaps they were mesmerized by my beauty. oo makapal ako. at ayos lang, masaya maging makapal.
-jan.1 mula 2am til dawn, i was with my new year buddies. we ate, walked, smoked, laughed, and talked.
-jan.1 ng hapon: unang beses kong magpamasahe. masakit sya at may part na nakakairita pero, stoic me, i was happy about it.
-jan.2: nagpuntang mall, nanuod ng sine lahat ng kasama ako pero mas pinili kong mag-booksale at mag-arcade mag-isa.masaya naman e. tapos, umuwi na kaming lahat sa bahay.

yun ang pasko ko: modest, at punung-punong grasya.
yun ang new year ko: patay ang kuko ko, pula ang buhok ko, at nagkaron ako ng bagong friends.
at bagong lakas ng loob.

yun lang. so far masaya naman. sa tuesday kelangan ko ng kulayan ang pulang buhok ko-turned-orangey-copper into dark brown kase pasukan na at bawal ito sa school. u know, model student. hehe

happy new year, to myself, and everyone.