The Usual

I went to my psych check-up last October 6 (morning) & it was with a new psychiatrist. I wonder where Dr. Totaan was. Maybe he got reassigned to another hospital? Because I don't think I heard a male voice inside the main clinic while I was there. Anyway, the doctor who saw me was female & she was nice, but had an aura that was "all business" or maybe it's just my sick mind assuming that. Anyway (again), she had me answer several questionnaires and conducted another interview since I've been under their care for a year this month. Happy first anniversary to me. Dr. Cabalza cut Quetiapine from my meds but retained Escitalopram (same dosage), and scheduled another follow-up on December 4. She said I'm better compared to last year, and I feel that too. After the consult, I spent around an hour at hospital's pharmacy to line up for cheap medicines. Esci is only Php 4.20-something there but outside, the cheapest I could find is 19 pesos per tablet. Kamal, ne? Hayyyy. 

On October 9, 2026, I found myself home alone from morning until night. I read Atom Araullo's article about his documentary about two mentally ill brothers who were locked in cages as a last resort of their mother because it got too expensive to get them the professional help they so very needed. Makalungkut ya. Found myself worried about myself after that, then found myself in tears. I don't want my mother suffering because of me. I've been a burden long enough. While washing dishes (or preparing my dinner for one), I was crying. My eyes kept being pulled by the knife-holder. I could almost see it slicing my skin, blood slowly gushing out. 

I read somewhere that wrist-cutting is a gentle (albeit morbid) way to off oneself. One would be able to feel the body being drained, organs getting weaker and weaker, breath becoming slower and shallower until it all just ends with a final exhale. But my post-death expenses are out of my budget at the moment, so that will have to wait. Oh, well. 

Earlier today, J called about a possible job their family has for me in the next couple of years. There's something to look forward to. I hope I make it til then. :) 

One of those nights, again

1126P - I’ve been a burden for too long. I just wanna see my family get settled in their careers/lives. When I have saved enough for my funeral, I hope to die. It has been years, but I still kind of envy those who’ve gone ahead and taken matters into their own hands. They left on their own terms.

One of those thoughts...again

There is a reason I find it very hard to break things off with my boyfriend. And that is his family. Through him, I've gotten to experience a different set of parents. In a very good way. As you know (or not), I grew up without a father, and the closest to a father figure I've had was my uncle, who died when I was 12. Since then, nada. 

I don't feel like writing about this anymore. 

One of those nights...again.

I've been feeling down lately. Been hoping for projects, nothing. Looking for online jobs, too. 

I feel like people are disappointed in me. I’ve been practically unemployed for months, drowning in debt, and I'm not a helpful housemate, etc. Ala kung ambag. I go to sleep with an urge to cry and ache in my heart, and wake up ashamed of myself.

Endless loop. 

Out and back route.

There are things we don't tell anyone.

My dirty little secret is my ill, ill mind.

Currently song:

"Dirty Little Secret" by The All-American Rejects

A lot has happened since I last wrote

From May to October, I lived the life of a spinster of a certain age. Caring for five cats and two dogs sucked the life out of me & I couldn't wait to escape from it. But I liked the alone time. 

October, I FINALLY mustered the courage to get professional help. I was crying for weeks (months!!) straight and couldn't function well anymore (with thoughts of offing myself). I was diagnosed with MDD with anxious distress, and was prescribed meds. Escitalopram is doing wonders for me. 

November to April, I was in the US for a very long vacation. Got to visit Korea during my layover. Had a smooth experience with the IO & Customs both here and abroad. Got to visit other states. Got to hang out with a high school friend and my relatives. I had the best-ish five months of my life, but it was hella expensive. If I'll be given a chance to do it again, my bike is coming with me! And I'll make sure to save like a madman months before leaving. 

March onwards, I wasn't getting writing projects anymore, just one or two. Until now. Practically unemployed. Super stressful. I can't even afford to eat in McDonald's nowadays. 

Meanwhile, I think I'm slowly healing. Loneliness is still very much my vibe, but the heavy feelings are mostly out of the picture, most of the time. Misery doesn't prefer my company as much. I don't wake up debilitated. I find it easier to smile/laugh than cry lately. Is this how regular people feel on a daily basis? I don't know. This new life is very new to me! I guess I've been so used to being depressed. I don't know if this is going to last, but I'm happy I get to experience normalcy. Save for the weight gain, I like the current state I'm in. I hope I get better.

Oh, L has a job now! Yay! 

Anyway, I'm working on a short series and one film. Things are kind of looking up career-wise, but I need cash. Right now.