RT

Random blah.

Oh, the need to hold & be held by a fellow human. This, this is what I do not like about being single AND living in a far away town in a province WITH my mom and sister. Had I chosen to stay in the city, I probably wouldn't be this "thirsty," if you know what I mean, because random (or not random) people would be easier to reach and I'd be a bit more free to do things I want. Eh, dito, naku, wit. Nada. Nil. I thank the Lord and the Universe for occasional eye candies here and there, tho, but that's about it.

Now this is going to be TMI, but it has been almost three years since...if you know what I mean. And the last one was with someone I would rather forget, erase from my life altogether if possible.

Anyway, I have been running/exercising of late. It feels good. I can see and feel my body's improvement since I started jogging (for fun & occasional necessity) last year. Aside from feeling more refreshed & active, I have less thoughts of wanting my life to end (NOT ending my life, mind you). Yes, I'm the same lonely, solitary recluse I've always been, only a bit more hopeful about life in general. It feels good to be alive. I need to keep this up, I think.

There are still times I feel like crying for petty (and not petty) reasons, but I'm less sad now than I have been last year and the year before that, and the year before that.

I'm hearing mass later. I also have to cram two scripts. I'm thinking of hiking a nearby mountain next week. Lots of luck!

Oh, btw, currently crushing on Tormund Giantsbane. Tyrion's still at the top of my list, tho.

Bye, nonexistent reader!

Musings on the few char

Future.

For so long I thought my biggest regret in life was letting some crooked-toothed boy get away. Oh boy was I wrong. Now I regret ALL THE TIME I spent poring over his memories and trying to squeeze myself back into his life blah blah blah. I wish I could go back and focus all that energy into something worthwhile. Damn. I wish I had gotten into running a decade ago. I wish I had gotten into climbing a decade ago or earlier. Anyway, no use crying over that now. All I can do is make the most of my remaining youth and runa nd climb, at the same time fight the urge to bear a child JUST BECAUSE most of my closest girl friends are all married/engaged/familied. Ugh. Peer pressure sucks most of the time.

It scares the daylights out of me, but I can't wait to see what the future holds.

(I just came home from a dinner with my high school friends, btw.)

Perpetual singleness

I have yet to meet a peer who does not think of being single as being a failure, or as a stepping stone to finding the proverbial one, or as a phase or training ground for when I get hitched or something to that effect. Or a person who does not think that being childfree is selfish or a failure as well.

Sometimes it sucks to not be understood.

Yes, there is probably something wrong with me, but there is also probably something wrong with everybody else, so I think it is not wrong to assume that "something wrong with me" is not the main reason why I am single. Is it hard to digest that some people are single because they feel happier that way?

I don't believe in forever. I believe friendships, many forms of love, but only a little bit in romantic love.

I choose to be single and childfree. I am open to changing my mind, but that is not my priority. Let's see what happens.

I'm working on a script right now and I'm supposed to submit it in a few, so I'll probably get back to this topic some other time and I do not know when that is. Expect a long rant that's probs a bit illogical, but Idgaf.

Looking back on (not so) old journal entries on a kinda-full moon

February 2016

1038A

Need to finish Scooby 4 today. Light load, yes. Next week I have nothing to do. J THE LIFE! J How I wish I have some weed with me. I plan to go to either Samat or Zambales to celebrate my birthday in solitude.

1104P

I’m bored. I’m sleepy. I don’t want to work but I have to finish this Scooby script ASAP. Hayyyyyyy. I’ll do a page then sleep a bit then work again. God give me strength. I need a warm embrace, preferably from an attractive male. Being single doesn’t suck save for these moments. Lahat ng attractive guys na trip ko eh are not within reach. Not even within 250 kms. They’re seas away. Mountains away. Worlds away. (And even if they were here, I doubt they would want to hug me. Huhu)

I have a teeny little crush on *. Gushing over this person for several days now. Actually, I've had a thing for this person since some years back, when I first read what he has written--I didn't even know what this person looked like! This person is SO out there. I’m a fan. When I finally met this person in person (how's that for redundance?), I learned this person has a soothing voice, nice, fresh-faced smile, calm demeanor, is smart, has that angas & suplado aura but this person seems down to earth. Funny, too. & this person is not rude. Not tall, but fit as fuck, demmet, but one can tell that this person loves himself. This person's toenails are...okay--as you know, I have a thing about toenails & I don't know why. Anyway, I’ve weaved webs of daydreams about this person on my way home that time! Sa haba ba naman ng byahe. Sadly, there’s no chance of me seeing this person again save for FB. HUGE SAD SIGH. And even if I do get a chance to see this person again, what of it? I’m probably just going to stick my foot in my mouth and make a complete fool out of my pathetic self. This person has probably already forgotten we’ve even met. PR, keep your shit together. Anyway, I badly need a hug it makes me want to burst into tears. 

(FAST FORWARD TO TONIGHT. April 24, 2016. Time is 10:09 PM. I still kind of feel the same. I was wrong on one thing, though: I saw this person again, yay! Infatuation levels are very much under control, good news. Meanwhile, I'm getting sleepy but I have a script to finish. Will finish it tomorrow, but I gotta get something done tonight. I just thought of sharing a bit of myself on cyberspace, where nothing is sacred.)

Night

I saw an ex's photo on Instagram earlier tonight and I felt [I'm not sure what word to put, but I felt a punch in the chest when I saw his face, and that was before I felt my stomach turn a bit, but I guess I was just surprised to see his photo or whatever]. I'm still sorry I hurt him and left, but pushing myself to do that has turned my life around in so many ways. All for the better, I guess. Well, so much for that.

I hope I wake up early tomorrow so I can jog and, along the way, take a pic of River Lily (I named it that and you'll know why when you see it) in Cabetican so I can show it to you, nonexistent reader! It's quite a spectacle considering the location. I only hope the lilies are still in bloom.

Good night!

31

I've been 31 for almost two months now. Society tells me I should be feeling old--I've been officially a spinster since 25 according to Taty (well, I feel that way but it's all good). I'm happy that my friends do not ask me why I'm not married yet. I have few friends and most of them know that I do not believe in marriage and the so-called forever. I like weddings, tho, but please don't confuse the two. I am happy that others believe in marriage & forever and have found it and are happy with their life choices. Magic, yes, I believe in that, but those two, no. And I'm okay with it. I am not bitter. Maybe that is the reason why some of my past relationships did not work. Anyway, I'm blabbering. I should be working right now because I have a deadline to beat, but I am stalling instead. Damn, self.

Ugh. Back to work now. I've written a shit ton in my offline journal.

Oh, before I log out. Other people ask me why I'm not teaching. It's because of insecurity & my aim for perfection. If I do not believe I have what is expected of me, I would not bother. I do not have near-perfect grammar, so I opt to not teach English. I would guide people thru Literature, but I want to guide college kids and I need a masters degree for that and since I do not have that yet, I'm going to keep rewriting scripts til I can afford to do so. I give myself til I'm 35 to finish a graduate degree, then I'm going back to teaching. Yes, the bitch will definitely be back.

Logging out now.