Why do I feel this way?

It's been raining for weeks where I live. Been talking to some friends online and I think it's helping. But tonight I feel like I'm just floating on a dark steady stream and there is no end in sight. Where is my life going? Am I going to die soon? Do I need to get a new job?

Last night, I was talking to a fairly new friend and discovered we both seriously considered taking our own lives in the past. I felt sorry for this friend, the bullying he went through, but happy that he chose to live. Can I say the same for myself? I don't know, maybe, but for a while I didn't feel alone.

Today's been blah. I woke up after lunch, replied to some messages, then fell asleep again, and woke up in the evening. Had dinner, talked to some friends, and now I'm here.

I have to get a script done tomorrow. I'm not in the mood to work.

Currently listening to "Tugtog" by Bullet Dumas, John Apura & Yuna Reguerra.

Salamat

I had a semi-good cry this afternoon. It wasn't sad or anything, but somebody said something that I found so beautiful it moved me to tears.

I asked someone to tell me something I didn't know. The reply I got had me crying for ten minutes. I wish I could write it here, but I made a promise to keep it a secret. I think, however, that it wouldn't hurt to say it had to do with being thankful.

Thankful, that should be me.

Let's go to the mall

I'm having allergic rhinitis but I feel like going to the mall to...unwind? Mall is where Booksale is and I want to see what's new. I hope I score an awesome bargain.

I miss some of my friends. I'm having a text convo with Shiela, who just said she's ending her breast-pumping journey since Marcus is turning two soon. She said she doesn't know what/how to feel. I don't know what to tell her, but I sympathize. I should see her soon.

I'm trying so hard not to fall apart. When I'm not busy or talking to people I like talking to, I feel that misery trying to sneak into my core again. I can't let it. I must not let it. But I also do not want to keep depending on others for escape or distraction. Or should I? I wish I have the answers.

I think I should move out and live on my own for good. I'm going to need more money for that.

Wish me luck & grace, nonexistent reader. Thank you.

I feel light

Tonight, I told my sister about my sexual harassment stories and I feel lighter, like a load was taken off my chest. I am happy that she feels strongly against it & that she is not one of those teenagers who are boy-crazy and eager to fall in love. Here are other things that came up in our conversation:
- "trust no btch" even if they're friends
- God is gender neutral/gender inclusive
- Cumin (our cat that has been missing for two months)
- anger management
- generational fights
- 27 (he is a Golden Retriever)
- so much more I can't remember right now.

I also had a short chat with 27 earlier tonight. This is not good for my peace but I can't stay away. Wish me luck. Listening to "Shooting Star" by Teeth.

Today has been bleh-bleh-bleh

I went to Manila today to get my TF. It wasn't much, but enough to last us a few weeks. The whole thing was tiring. Traffic, pollution, crowds, expenses. Feeling down, as usual. (huge sigh)

As soon as I got home, I sent 27 a message. He replied after some time & we chatted a bit about his sprain, stuff about stress, physical activity, the weather, fresh carrot juice, &c. I felt like crying the whole time. Should I really see a professional about this? I wish I could tell 27 how much I appreciate him chatting with me every day. I forget about my misery. Maybe I'll tell him one day when I'm not too emotional.

Hey, 27, you're by far the best distraction I've ever come across & you're always welcome. 

At the same time, I'm preparing myself for possible ghosting because, well, you never know. Bring it on, I'm ready. I can handle it. I can lose another friend. Pero huwag muna, please.

Lead me down your rabbit hole

wreck my mind

reel me out

make me mad

It's getting bigger than I expected

and I'm only getting smaller

Going to sleep in a while. I want to hike tomorrow but I have no extra money for that. Besides, there's a super typhoon coming up so hiking might not be a good idea. Rain is the last thing I need now. Listening to "When You're Gone" by The Cranberries.

Sleep well, nonexistent reader. Things will be better in the morrow.

Off to my last song for the night, "Sweet" by Pacifika.

Midday brooding

I went to sleep happy last night, but I woke up feeling glum. The midday sun is up and scorching, ready to singe what remains of my dry, spinster life.

Anyway, I went down, ready to soldier on through another day, and my mom started chatting to me about going abroad. She said, no offense, but I think that if I don't go abroad (to make more money, of course), we won't be able to buy our own house. I, of course, painfully agreed. At the rate my so-called career is going, I'll die hungry and with my eyes open. Naturally, I don't want my family suffering the same fate. They obviously don't want that too.

Will 27 keep talking to me if he learns I'm just this underachieving, without a backbone old maid? I wonder who among my very few real friends would stick when they get tired of my miserable aura.

I'm not living the life I want. I don't think this is meant for me. There must be something else or I wouldn't be wishing for it.

As usual, "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. is my go-to song for times like this.

Bye, nonexistent reader! Don't let the sun scorch your parade.

System is temporarily down

Today's been unproductive. I was supposed to do stuff but...nothing. According to my period tracker, bloodshed will come in a week. Maybe that is why I feel this way. Thank goodness for period calendars! I'm not using it for reproductive or coital purposes, though. I like it because it lets me plan my hikes & outdoor activities better.

Meanwhile, today, I learned about Enneagram types from my sister & it turns out I'm a type 4: romantic or artist. Maybe I will write about it another time. For now, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for 12 hours straight. Or hear from 27, who has probably already drifted away for good. Oh well. Bye, 27, thank you for making me forget about my misery this past month.

By the way, I have a new favorite song: Kat Edmonson's "I Wasn't Made for Times Like These" I might have gotten the title wrong, but oh how it spoke to me!

Until next time, nonexistent reader! You are loved.