Kuya Dino

One of my cousins passed on yesterday. The news is only starting to sink in, but I think 51 is such a young age to die.

He will be missed, no doubt about that, and will always be loved. May he be at peace.

Today's musing

Certain things are better nipped in the bud. 

No, not my resurrecting mint plant.

For one more day

I wonder if I will make it until September because at this moment only the thought of my life ending gives me peace. And I need peace. So much peace.

I am tired, overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, and sorry. Overall miserable.

But death is expensive and my resources are scarce.

Give me strength to hold on for one more day.

Here is me trying so hard to hold on, in my part-time make-believe refuge.

Feeling anxious today

Is it the coffee?

So anxious I want to vomit. I don't know why. I just want to go home and curl up in my bed and not do anything for a week straight. Or a month. Or a year. But of course I cannot afford that.

Maybe after I get my pending deliverables done, I will feel better. Gahd, the stress. The stress is getting too much to bear. 

Photo of the swamp I have to walk through every day. Thank goodness for my mother's boots. 

Feeling sabog, but actually sober. 

Knowing that all of this is going to end someday brings me some peace. I am wishing for more. 

Having two jobs is tiring

I have been getting steady writing projects for the longest time and though I am thankful, I feel that I am always tired. I have not enough time left for myself and other things that matter because my office job still stands. The office job has been a regular source of extra income, but I do not feel fulfilled each time I go to the my workstation and have to do what I do. My colleagues are great, nobody bullies me, but I am not happy. Hopefully I get to push through another year and get to save as much as I could. After that, I must decide whether to stay or go. Nobody's getting any younger and a person's physical self can only do so much.

Most days I feel hopeless

I had a short streak of productivity and positivity late last week, but, last night, things went back to normal. Bleak normal. 

Let me tell you what I feel & think of on a normal day, which is on most days. I wish I had enough money so I can afford to die. The thought of death and what comes after, if there ever is anything after, gives me peace: all this misery will end. When I die, I will never be anxious or tired of being anxious anymore. When I die, people around me will have a better life: my mom won't have to clean up after me anymore; my sister will have a better sibling to look up to--my brother; my brother might hate me less for ruining his life (I read it in one of his notebooks several years ago); my boyfriend can find someone better than me--probably pursue the girl/s he still feels for (I read in his notebook that he still feels pagnanasa over other girls even when he already has me so what does that tell ya). 

When I die, I can finally stop being embarrassed of all the cringey life decisions I've made. I won't have to struggle to live through each day anymore. I am tired. I am father. Effing. Tired. 

Too bad I can't afford to die. It's costly and stressful for those I'll leave behind. Right now, the only things making me feel like life is still worth living is my dog, Octavio, and my scripting job. And the thought of my mom blaming herself if I end up dying by taking my own life. 

See, this is why I can never be a writer. 

That's all for today, I guess. I can't wait to sleep

Madaling araw grind

It's 3:28 and I am at work. I have been a freelance ADR scriptwriter since 2012 and I think it is the best job I have ever had. I want to keep doing this until I'm old and gray, and a lifetime is not enough to thank Claude D., a colleague in PDC, for getting me into this industry. 

In the picture is my snack, four toasted mini-mamons soaked in Swiss Miss chocolate drink. It's sweet AF. 

Oooohkay, back to scripting now. Later, nonexistent reader! 

Remember, you are loved. ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

Tiring day

Started my day with a walk under cloudy skies. Went to the market to buy suman, kutsinta, pet food, sili & talong seedlings, and other small stuff. It was peaceful. I like that I am with someone who loves me (and whom I love), but I missed having time alone. Maybe because I was used to being by myself for so long. 

When I got home, I prepared brealfast, did some office work, repotted my newly-bought seedlings, repurposed a couple of 5-gallon containers for my balcony garden, and fixed some things. This afternoon I plan to do some laundry, work on crafts, and get started my script, which is due tomorrow. Good luck with that. 

I hope I get the inspiration to run tomorrow. 

Last night's pink moon gazing

1016a - Last night I spent a short while to gaze at the full moon. Acoording to Google this month's is a Pink Moon, named after a flowering plant. The weather was nice, but there were mosquitoes so I couldn't stay long. I wish I did, though. What's a little sacrifice? 

The moon, when I took a photo of it, appeared blurry. Blurry is the theme of my life. 

Anyway, I have been having second thoughts about something lately. Do I let this drag on, or do I rip the band-aid now? People will get hurt either way. 

Maybe when I die I will finally get the peace I have been chasing all along.

Afternoon Sessions 1

The Covid-19 situation in the Philippines has gotten worse since last I wrote. Other countries have managed it way better. Meanwhile, I still have my jobs. I am thankful, but mostly exhausted. 

This afternoon, I am cleaning out some old books to sell at a bargain. I hope they all get sold. I need funds. 

Here is a picture of my dog, Octavio, keeping me company.