A lot has happened since I last wrote

From May to October, I lived the life of a spinster of a certain age. Caring for five cats and two dogs sucked the life out of me & I couldn't wait to escape from it. But I liked the alone time. 

October, I FINALLY mustered the courage to get professional help. I was crying for weeks (months!!) straight and couldn't function well anymore (with thoughts of offing myself). I was diagnosed with MDD with anxious distress, and was prescribed meds. Escitalopram is doing wonders for me. 

November to April, I was in the US for a very long vacation. Got to visit Korea during my layover. Had a smooth experience with the IO & Customs both here and abroad. Got to visit other states. Got to hang out with a high school friend and my relatives. I had the best-ish five months of my life, but it was hella expensive. If I'll be given a chance to do it again, my bike is coming with me! And I'll make sure to save like a madman months before leaving. 

March onwards, I wasn't getting writing projects anymore, just one or two. Until now. Practically unemployed. Super stressful. I can't even afford to eat in McDonald's nowadays. 

Meanwhile, I think I'm slowly healing. Loneliness is still very much my vibe, but the heavy feelings are mostly out of the picture, most of the time. Misery doesn't prefer my company as much. I don't wake up debilitated. I find it easier to smile/laugh than cry lately. Is this how regular people feel on a daily basis? I don't know. This new life is very new to me! I guess I've been so used to being depressed. I don't know if this is going to last, but I'm happy I get to experience normalcy. Save for the weight gain, I like the current state I'm in. I hope I get better.

Oh, L has a job now! Yay! 

Anyway, I'm working on a short series and one film. Things are kind of looking up career-wise, but I need cash. Right now. 

I want to get something...

 off my chest. 

I'm one of the most inconsistent, unstable, unreliable persons one could ever meet. In all aspects of my life, that is true. I function in streaks, and I wish it weren't that way. Everyday I wake up overwhelmed. Most hours of the day my brain is tired from worrying, overthinking. I'm surprised I've managed to keep my job this long. Thank goodness for people who pity me, who have no better choice than to hire me, who (maybe) still believe in me. I pity my family/friends, though. I bet they wish they had someone else, someone better, for a daughter/sister/friend. 

Gahd, professional help sure sounds heavenly right now. Heaven I can't afford. Very expensive. I wish I still smoked because a stick of menthol sounds lovely right now. But I don't smoke anymore. Also, it's expensive. 

Dear nonexistent reader, I hope we feel better soon. 

For one more day

I wonder if I will make it until September because at this moment only the thought of my life ending gives me peace. And I need peace. So much peace.

I am tired, overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, and sorry. Overall miserable.

But death is expensive and my resources are scarce.

Give me strength to hold on for one more day.

Here is me trying so hard to hold on, in my part-time make-believe refuge.