[sigh]

January 11, 2025

1034A – Death anniversary of my Uncle, and maternal Grandmother. I was mean to Mama today. This is the main reason I can’t give up my apartment. I must have my own lair for when I’m a monster, like today. I wish I was a better person. 

1038A – My parallel life is nothing. My mother had the option to have me aborted, but she didn’t do it. Catholic guilt, of course. She said people (her very own siblings) encouraged her, and I think maybe they were right. Maybe she should have listened. What gives me peace is that in a parallel universe, I am nothing. I do not exist. I am not sad, not happy. I am not making anyone suffer. In a parallel universe, my mother is happy.  Sorry, Ma.

For one more day

I wonder if I will make it until September because at this moment only the thought of my life ending gives me peace. And I need peace. So much peace.

I am tired, overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, and sorry. Overall miserable.

But death is expensive and my resources are scarce.

Give me strength to hold on for one more day.

Here is me trying so hard to hold on, in my part-time make-believe refuge.