Is this what

Every day I realize I've been having depressive symptoms since EVER, but I am not clinically diagnosed. I go about my day to day chattels, wondering why I'm such & such, then years after, I come across articles about depression & anxiety and relate to them. I've been thinking of seeing a professional since late last year, but I'm...shy. What if I'm only overreacting? I'm also thinking of, before going to a stranger-psychologist, sending Ms. Zandra (a former colleague in Letran, she was a guidance counselor there) a message--is this something I should be worried about? Do I really need to go to a professional? Well, she IS a professional. She is a licensed counselor--or something that has to do with psych. Maybe what I'm feeling is normal after all. Maybe it's because...well, I don't know. People go though tough shit everyday. I just have to keep fighting.

ANYWAY, I just finished watching Table 19 and I think the movie is adorable, uplifting, and Lisa Kudrow is there & there was a dog. When the closing credits started rolling, I realized I was lonely. I've kind of always been solitary, melancholic, sometimes seemingly godforsaken, but not exactly sad. But this, tonight, this "loneliness" that made itself felt, is a different kind and I don't know what to make of it. This current loneliness feels like it's connected to the fact that I have no one. Though maybe it's just an effect of my watching too much romantic films of late. In three days, I've watched Call Me By Your Name three times, excluding the many YouTube clips I've repeatedly viewed. I've also read the book (online) in two-three sittings. There were tears involved. It's a very nice love story that can hit anyone. May remind you of that first hint of longing for someone that you don't realize at first, then you do and you deny it, then you admit it to yourself and it keeps growing and growing and when they're so close and clueless about how your world is ready to fall apart when they look the other way, your skin feels like smoke is steaming out of it and if any part of them ever grazes any part of you that spot will smolder til sooner or later you're going to spontaneously combust, but not before your heart beats like the sound of an unborn baby's heart in an ultrasound, like it's going to burst anytime and then you're dead...without being able to say or do anything about that longing. Nobody knows but you, poor, helpless, dead you.

It's 430 AM now and I'm thinking of going out for a jog in a little while. I'm easing my way back into running. I missed a lot of weeks. Or maybe I'll jog in the afternoon.

Damn, I've almost forgotten about my loneliness.

4:35 AM. No, turns out I haven't. Good night, I suppose.

Jeep ride home, random thoughts

I just came from BPI to pay my BIR annual registration fee and boy did I beat that buzzer. Yes, that is me and my long-time issue with deadlines & due dates. Anyway, according to my period calendar, bloodshed is expected to arrive sometime this or next week. I would like to believe that that is the reason I've been feeling down lately. Hah, I have pre & post menstrual blues on all days I'm not bleeding. I think I have to push myself to run tomorrow morning. Let's see if it changes my mood for the better.

I may have found a new cyber friend on Reddit, depends if he/she replies to my last message, and my future messages if that turns out fine.

I miss having someone to love & hold, but I don't miss the stress that definitely comes with it.

I feel bummed that I don't seem to be cut out for family life--parenthood, being a spouse/partner, &c.

Damn, I want to cry. I hope there's no one there when I get home.

I want more money! I messaged three dubbing directors yesterday, two of them got back to me, said they'd keep me in mind for future projects. I hope they don't just keep me in their minds. I hope they actually hire me to write!

I think I should be more busy. That'd be a win-win for me, I guess: more money + less time to brood on my life's depressing points. Don't worry, self, projects are going to come. You're good at your job, you just have to work better on your time management.

I'm near home. Less than 5kms. I think I'm going to sleep.