A lot has happened since I last wrote

From May to October, I lived the life of a spinster of a certain age. Caring for five cats and two dogs sucked the life out of me & I couldn't wait to escape from it. But I liked the alone time. 

October, I FINALLY mustered the courage to get professional help. I was crying for weeks straight and couldn't function well anymore (with thoughts of offing myself). I was diagnosed with MDD with anxious distress, and was prescribed meds. Escitalopram is doing wonders for me. 

November to April, I was in the US for a very long vacation. Got to visit Korea during my layover. Had a smooth experience with the IO & Customs both here and abroad. Got to visit other states. Got to hang out with a high school friend and my relatives. I had the best-ish five months of my life, but it was hella expensive. If I'll be given a chance to do it again, my bike is coming with me! And I'll make sure to save like a madman months before leaving. 

March onwards, I wasn't getting writing projects anymore, just one or two. Until now. Practically unemployed. Super stressful. I can't even afford to eat in McDonald's nowadays. 

Meanwhile, I think I'm slowly healing. Loneliness is still very much my vibe, but the heavy feelings are mostly out of the picture, most of the time. Misery doesn't prefer my company. I don't wake up debilitated. I find it easier to smile/laugh than cry nowadays. Is this how normal people feel on a daily basis? I don't know. This new life is very new to me! I guess I've been so used to being depressed. I don't know if this is going to last, but I'm happy I get to experience normalcy. Save for the weight gain, I like the current state I'm in. I hope I get better.

Oh, L has a job now! Yay! 

Anyway, I'm working on a short series and one film. Things are kind of looking up career-wise, but I need cash. Right now. 

Almost Everyone I know

...talk to me / treat me like I'm dumb. Maybe I am. :( Why did I let this happen?

I feel like my heart is going to burst

Just got home from hilot class. It's very hot outside. 

Neck deep in shit I can't see 

but feel

My eyes buttons to a blouse bursting

at the seams

I can cry later, if time permits. 

A sunny day in April

Hi, nonexistent reader. It's me, now in my 40s. Here are some shiz lifted from my journal:

January 11, 2025 1034A – Death anniversary of my Uncle and maternal Grandmother. I was mean to Mama today. This is the main reason I can’t give up my apartment. I must have my own lair for when I’m a monster, like today. I wish I was a better person.  1038A – My parallel life is nothing. My mother had the option to have me aborted, but she didn’t do it. Catholic guilt, of course. People encouraged her, maybe they were right. Maybe she should have listened. What gives me peace is that in a parallel universe, I am nothing. I do not exist. I am not sad, not happy. I am not making anyone suffer. In a parallel universe, my mother is happy.  Sorry, Ma.

January 27-31, I was in Japan with my family & relatives. It was fun, even when I didn't have enough funds. I'm in debt now, actually. Again. After many, many years of being debt-free. My goodness, give me strength.

February 8, 2025

1103P – I had an OK week. Was able to get my race kit, get to the venue on time, run 21k (7-eleven Run 2025), go to L’s place, work using Tita J’s laptop, submit my episode, and rest. I could have done better (run), but it was all I could do. I was underhydrated, undernourished, undertrained, and lacked sleep. Anyway, working at home (Unit C) right now. In a few months, I’m moving out of this apartment. L has already partially moved out. I want to cherish my last moments here. Hayyyy. Must declutter. In a major way. I'm gonna miss this place.

March 9, 2025

1213A – I deactivated my Facebook account. I want to deactivate my IG as well, but I don’t know if I should. Maybe I’ll just uninstall for a while. I’ve gotta reactivate FB soon because I plan to sell stuff on Marketplace, but good luck. Maybe after 24 hours. Maybe on Wednesday. I don’t know. Right now I’m so stressed out about my finances.

Present: Just finished a script. Projects are scarce, but that is my fault.

Right now, I want to leave this all behind.

Right now, I don't feel loved, even by my self.

'Til next time.

Starting the day...

...in tears. 

Been crying more often than usual lately, especially whenever I find myself alone. I feel trapped. I want out. 

No one is going to care for me but myself. Might as well be by myself. 

The question is, how?

Random shiz

The other night I was cleaning out some of boxes and came across an old notebook/journal. My goodness, my younger self's problems made me cry. She was stressed out to the max, depressed AF, broke with no one to turn to, made the wrong decisions, looked down on by her family, prioritized the wrong people, didn't know any better-- she was grasping at straws. She could have used unbiased guidance and unconditional love. At one point, she was so happy to not have to worry about her meal for the day. She got to eat five times that day for free because there was a school-sponsored retreat for graduating students. 

I have already forgotten most of what was written there, but I'd like to think I've come a long way. My life is still meh for the most part, but at least I can afford to feed myself now. 

Kung pangarap ma'y tatanggapin ko

Been crying less these past few weeks except when I watch emotional shiz. ...or I remember/think of stupid stuff 🙄

Been running less, moving less, but eating more. Junk. Disaster.

Been staying in bed hours before actually getting up, but have not been getting enough sleep. 

Been sitting in front of the computer longer, but not getting enough work done.

Been producing substandard scripts. 

Messed up brain, heart not helping. 

Been binge-listening to "I Am the Best," but I'm the worst.