The Usual

I went to my psych check-up last October 6 (morning) & it was with a new psychiatrist. I wonder where Dr. Totaan was. Maybe he got reassigned to another hospital? Because I don't think I heard a male voice inside the main clinic while I was there. Anyway, the doctor who saw me was female & she was nice, but had an aura that was "all business" or maybe it's just my sick mind assuming that. Anyway (again), she had me answer several questionnaires and conducted another interview since I've been under their care for a year this month. Happy first anniversary to me. Dr. Cabalza cut Quetiapine from my meds but retained Escitalopram (same dosage), and scheduled another follow-up on December 4. She said I'm better compared to last year, and I feel that too. After the consult, I spent around an hour at hospital's pharmacy to line up for cheap medicines. Esci is only Php 4.20-something there but outside, the cheapest I could find is 19 pesos per tablet. Kamal, ne? Hayyyy. 

On October 9, 2026, I found myself home alone from morning until night. I read Atom Araullo's article about his documentary about two mentally ill brothers who were locked in cages as a last resort of their mother because it got too expensive to get them the professional help they so very needed. Makalungkut ya. Found myself worried about myself after that, then found myself in tears. I don't want my mother suffering because of me. I've been a burden long enough. While washing dishes (or preparing my dinner for one), I was crying. My eyes kept being pulled by the knife-holder. I could almost see it slicing my skin, blood slowly gushing out. 

I read somewhere that wrist-cutting is a gentle (albeit morbid) way to off oneself. One would be able to feel the body being drained, organs getting weaker and weaker, breath becoming slower and shallower until it all just ends with a final exhale. But my post-death expenses are out of my budget at the moment, so that will have to wait. Oh, well. 

Earlier today, J called about a possible job their family has for me in the next couple of years. There's something to look forward to. I hope I make it til then. :)