(sometime in May 2007)
I have this indiscreet fantasizing of Lorca hating me because his duende sneaked out one night and slept with me instead of some muse-like human draped in flimsy, luminous skin.
Yeah, right, paula. Let your imagination run riot to their ruins!
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May 15, 2007
Im listening to Totoy Bato right now and I am giving away! I mean I’m almost to tears wanting to laugh out loud but can’t. sobrang nakakatawa!! Sigh, I just love Capampangan Folk Songs.
Fine. I’m spilling.
Truth of the matter is...I’m feeling anxious these past few days. I’m so paranoid about my so-so bond with D. I mean, its not that its US or we’re TOGETHER or something—because we aren’t. It’s just that…I feel something is not quite right.
I think I’m starting to develop something for D. Something I can’t afford to freaking develop at this point. I have nothing to brag to the world but I feel rebellious. Next thing I know, I’m pushing and pulling with the devil himself.
I do not want to rebel. Maybe I just want to love, and, nonchalantly, be loved. Does it really have to come with a steep price? Why do I seem to keep messing with the wrong guys?
I think I have to stop seeing D.
Ugh. Just HOW am I going to handle that?
I mean D’s the only person who understands—aside from my girl-friends, of course—me. We hover over the same wavelength. we already enjoyed each other’s company even before this thing came about. We were sort-of-strangers who got along pretty well. I like being friends with him. I mean, I can be me when I’m with him. Super. But when he said he has this thing for me, befell the rise of my cynical self.
Breathe..
Breathe..
Deep breath..
Blink, blink.
WHAT WAS I THINKING when I’d written all that? I couldn’t possibly be in love with D. That would be ridiculously absurd and destructive. If I give in to my pathetic romantic otherself, it means I am cutting myself off AGAIN from my family with the chance of being either somewhat happy, or not happy at all. I can’t afford to do that now. I’m yet too below the line to even be thinking such.
Bahala na. I like our friendship as it is. I hope we’d be friends for a looooooong time.
And that’s about it.
Did I confuse you or something? Not my fault.
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DUENDE!!!
Come sleep with me again. I need to write badly. But I can’t. Help me see my world with no height at all. No depth. Just see my world as it is, a foot sole looking back or an toenail looking ahead.
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Next time I lay my gaze upon this screen, it has already lost its shine, turned gray—some obscure 30’s cartoon gone mad—never silver without you—just some plain translucent cloth hung on a wall left to rot.
My next Breakfast in bed will never be as beautiful as you made my fist one seem.
It makes me quiver to think that next time I enter this gate, I will not be holding your hand. Not that I have held it the last time. Not that I have held your hand, ever.
...in my mind I have held it tight forever.
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May 21, 2007
I feel so sleepy. I want to go home and sleep. I feel narcoleptic. Am I? I cant be but I can possibly be. Yeah, whatever.
I am bored.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
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June 21, 2007
Duende!
I finally was able to find a pipe yesterday. Somewhere in Recto. Its small, and cheap. But it works. I tried it last night with my weed. Ah…weed. Its all I got now. All I can depend on. Temporary escape from everything. Sigh. Cant wait to smoke. Sigh.
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June 28, 2007
Ok. So. Fine. I miss him bugging me all the time. And I hate it. I’ll smoke it all out later. Sigh.
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July 18, 2007
I am so down with something I do not want to be down with. So, so down. So freaking down.
Why and how do other couples last for years? I mean, even a couple of months is too much for me. Or maybe I haven’t been in love enough. Have I ever loved anyone at all? Ever?
…lagi kasing may sabit sa’kin e. its not that I expect my next real, true, tangible, long-term relationship to be hassle-free. But Of All hassles, why this? Why with my family? Hu-way? Or maybe I’m weak. Maybe I do not want to fight for someone I love because it would not be easy. Maybe I think this other person’s going to leave me a week or a month after getting into my pants. Maybe I’m too fucking selfish. Too mundanely selfish. Everything for myself. And I am starting to hate me.
Paula, much as I do not want to think you do not have a backbone, I think you do not have a backbone.
ANYWAY.
Ok. So its going to be his birthday next month. I do not know what to give him.
Perhaps I could:
- make a thousand paper cranes, box them and give them to him with a letter saying I would rather have him as my soul mate than anyone else in this world.
- Bring him cake with a lighted candle, in the middle of the night, wherever he may be.
- Act stalker-ish and stand outside his house and then text him to look out his window. He would see me then waving at him, holding a cake with a lighted candle.
- Voice-record messages for him, saying everything I have always wanted to tell him but for some reasons could not.
- Cook something for him.
- Throw him a party with all his friends invited. (ya, like I have the means to do that.)
- Tell him I love him.
- Invite him for a sleep over (Wednesday night) at my place, watch movies, have some wine, smoke, and ….. (nyahahahahahaha!)
- Text him a message and not say anything about wanting to see him that day.
- Not make myself exist that day, enough to make him hate me forever—which I do not think I could handle. The mere thought of it makes me cringe.
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July 24, 2007
Pag ba nagmahal ka ng isang tao mahal mo siya palagi? Do you feel love for this person each time you hear his name or see his face? Do you have to love him all the time for you to say you love him? Isn’t “loving him” most of the time enough to say you love him? Does the feeling have to exist every single second?
But what if it doesn’t? I think I love this person but I do not feel the same all the time. So what the hell could that possibly mean? Am I just using him? I like it when he’s around. He makes me happy—most of the time. But there are times I do not want to see his face or hear his voice or read his messages because I feel guilty of not feeling the same at that moment.
There are times I want him around because of…ktrs. Shameful, but true. Specially when I’m all hungry and smoked-out. Yes, every time I am smoked out.
HIGH AND SMOKED-OUT.
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July 25, 2007
I am only a night short of being officially MANHID (more so, APATHETIC). Yes. And for the first time in many years, I do not feel bad about it. AT ALL.
