"If you're happy with what you know, do you deserve explanation with what you don't?" -Little Black Book, 2004

I discovered that my boyfriend of two years has been hiding a lot of things from me, things which I have come to know through happenstance and...a bit of stalking. Fine. A lot.

I have a lot of work to do right now, so I will have to write about this thing when I get the time. Ugh. This sucks. I just want someone who can be true to himself and to me as well. I do not think I can spend a huge part of my life with a person I barely know.

Tired

Sometimes all you need is a good cry to get you moving forward, forward, forward.

Self hug

Dear Self,
You are not a failure. Success is around the bend, and, since life only has long avenues for you, you have to keep walking.
Walk briskly, as briskly as you can, if you must, but do not run. Running poses a higher chance of  stumbling* and bruising yourself badly--you might fracture a bone or something, and we cannot afford that. Plus, you know how you palpitate and nearly faint when you force yourself to run.
Keep a steady pace and do not stop. Walk slowly, if you must, but do not stop. You have stopped in your tracks before and look where it got you.
If you must stop to smell the flowers, as they say, do so, but do not get stuck in smelling them all day. You will also have to find a way to plant your own flowers while walking, so other walkers may stop and smell them too. Anyway there will always be flowers wherever you go, they may not just be as colorful and redolent as other flowers in other places.
And always remember that I love you.
XO, Self

*because you know how you can stumble just by merely standing up, and you've had enough stumbling for a lifetime.

Random musing on double mastectomy

So. I just found out today that Angelina Jolie has undergone double mastectomy because she is at risk for having breast cancer. In her NYT open letter Tuesday, Jolie encouraged girls to, well, not exactly, but more or less realize that 'an ounce of prevention is better than a pound (or any insane amount) of cure.'

Last year, my doctor found some small lumps in my left breast and advised me to undergo a breast ultrasound, and so I did. It turned out I had several minuscule lumps in both breasts--oh, my small boobs, I never thought they had it in them! The ultrasound doctor told me to have another one done after six months so they'll see what happens to the lumps, whether they progress or stay the same. If they progress, that is if they increase in size and volume, I definitely have something to worry about. Otherwise, I can go on with my peaceful life and just stay healthy.

Due to lack of financial resources--actually, I had money. I just could not afford to spend them on me, because I had bigger responsibilities to shoulder: brother's college education & expenses, bills, loans, etc.--I was not able to go back to the hospital for another ultrasound. But looking back, I think I should have tightened my belt WAY more and had the damn test done.

Now, I am 28 and I am not getting any younger. My former office mate's sister--God rest her soul--had cancer when she was 24 and died when she was 27. Gosh. Only god knows what could happen to me.

Two months ago, an aunt of mine was diagnosed of stage 1 cancer and had her right breast removed. Her family said that my aunt is now cancer-free, but since the cancer cells in her body are active, the doctor advised her to undergo chemotherapy to prevent it. I do not know if that exactly is the case as I did not want to pry too much, but as of this writing, my aunt has undergone a chemo session and has lost some of her hair. Well, I was told her kids bought her several wigs to mask the baldness. Anyway, I should see her soon. I miss her, but....so much for that.

By the way, I really need to raise funds for my breast ultrasound.

Agh. back to work.

BUT before I go back to work, let me just say that I am, uh, well, flat-chested and a double mastectomy--or any kind of mastectomy--is guaranteed to make me flatter-chested than before. Oh well.

Now I'm really going back to work.

There are so many things I want to just let go right now so I can feel lighter. I wish. I wish.

sad time

I'm deleting my Multiply site soon. I do not feel like maintaining it anymore. I want to delete my Facebook account as well, but since it's the only connection i have with some important people in my life (friends from elementary, long-time friends i rarely see, relatives who hate me, etc.), I can't bring myself to erase it. Maybe i should just screen my friends list. Maybe i am going to delete some profiles in my list. Profiles that bring bad vibes. Profiles that bring so many happy memories they make me sad.

Fail

I would like to think that I am not a failure.

Buckets of lists

I do not have a single bucket list of things I want to do before I die, or at least before I get all bedridden and senile with old age--if I live to be old. Instead, I have several buckets of lists here and there, written on different notebooks, pages of [my] books, personal journals, back of receipts, doodled on cards, typed in my cell phone, etc. One day soon, I'll gather all those and post them here as one long entry, just because.

It would be lovely to be able to cross everything out of that list, but that depends.

Now going back to work.

Musing on Holy Week

There are some (...actually, a LOT of) things I wish I didn't do. Everyone makes mistakes, yes, but mine have put a strain on important relationships :-( I wish I can still somehow make things right again.

Thankful!

I have a lot to be thankful for. 

I have just re-started freelancing and, though I am not yet making steady money, I am happy. I love what I do it scares the daylights out of me. But I am thankful. 

Soon, I will start investing for my retirement. I do not want to work my ass off until I'm 60 (or even 50) and go on living from paycheck to paycheck. I have less than 25 years to make that happen. If there are other less strenuous options to being wealthy, as I am sure there are, I'll give them a shot. 

I do not want to be a slave anymore and I have taken my first baby steps out of slavery. It is not easy, but I know I'll manage. I can do this!

Oh and one of my other plans is to start blogging seriously and sensibly.