fine. i've been stupid. i've been blinded by the seemingly wonderful idea of having a boyfriend. well, i discovered that i was not ready to have one yet.

i still am not ready.

but i realized something. i was never in love with this person who dumped me. i was in love with the idea of having a you-know-what. akala ko tuloy mahal ko na rin sya.

di pala.

eto yun e:
i could not accept the fact that i have actually been dumped. (it's just an ego thing, really. lagi kasi'ng ako.)
i trusted too much, too easily.
i did not prolong my mystery...or maybe i was just tooooo mysterious that this person gave up.
he did not really like me.

oh well, masaya naman ako ngayon, may oras na ulit ako sa trabaho ko kung saan i'm sure that they need me.

sige, bye-bye! :-)

now i realize i was so scared of being rejected i ended up rejecting myself.

i got dumped today. at brunch.

ive been single (and contented) for years until last month.

my life has changed since then.

oh, no. my life has not stopped changing since then--which is good, i think.

what happened at brunch was another change.

i was starting to fall in love with this person.

and i was about to tell him so.

but this person dumped me in a very unique manner.

that we have to evaluate our situation
that everything happened so fast
that this person felt pressured
that we did not have a solid foundation for a relationship yet
that it came at the wrong time--i came at the wrong time?
that we should start clean
that we should be friends
and not put hopes on it

and much more i could not remember right now.

i was not able to say anymore what i had to say.

i would have agreed with him--because i felt the same way too though not completely--if he had said that a month ago.

but a month ago he told me
that he loved me
that he was ready to have me as his girl
that he and i will have to make our relationship work
and things like that

but i agreed with him anyway because i felt that he was serious in what he was saying.

whatever happened to what i wanted to say?

i just said it to myself

after a few hours

in a female washroom cubicle

i cut my hair last saturday. i like how i look now but i still feel terribly maladjusted to not ponytail-ing it all the time and having to comb it more than a dozen times a half-day. see, i used to survive not combing my hair for weeks and nobody even notices--pati ako!

well, a lot of people say i look prettier and younger now. [yiheee]

in fact, i do feel prettier now.

maybe it's everything around me. everything's just so overwhelming and glorifying.

even if i get sad/mad/angry/disgusted/disappointed at times, i am happy.

i like my new hair even if it's not stereotypically perfect.

it took me years to realize and accept: a head with a shitake-mushroom-shaped shadow under the sun/moon/any form of light doesn't look that bad at all.

i am thankful that someone thinks i am beautiful.

after two years, i have decided to redeem my blog--which i made out of sheer intoxication/childishness/quasi-loneliness/quasi-stupidity and, ugh, terrible, terrible grammar.
..it's plain [eew].

buhay basura

nawawala ang mga basurahan dito sa letran. kailangang kailangan ko pa naman ng basurahan ngayon dahil marami akong itatapon. badtrip. sige,