Every day I realize I've been having depressive symptoms since EVER, but I am not clinically diagnosed. I go about my day to day chattels, wondering why I'm such & such, then years after, I come across articles about depression & anxiety and relate to them. I've been thinking of seeing a professional since late last year, but I'm...shy. What if I'm only overreacting? I'm also thinking of, before going to a stranger-psychologist, sending Ms. Zandra (a former colleague in Letran, she was a guidance counselor there) a message--is this something I should be worried about? Do I really need to go to a professional? Well, she IS a professional. She is a licensed counselor--or something that has to do with psych. Maybe what I'm feeling is normal after all. Maybe it's because...well, I don't know. People go though tough shit everyday. I just have to keep fighting.
ANYWAY, I just finished watching Table 19 and I think the movie is adorable, uplifting, and Lisa Kudrow is there & there was a dog. When the closing credits started rolling, I realized I was lonely. I've kind of always been solitary, melancholic, sometimes seemingly godforsaken, but not exactly sad. But this, tonight, this "loneliness" that made itself felt, is a different kind and I don't know what to make of it. This current loneliness feels like it's connected to the fact that I have no one. Though maybe it's just an effect of my watching too much romantic films of late. In three days, I've watched Call Me By Your Name three times, excluding the many YouTube clips I've repeatedly viewed. I've also read the book (online) in two-three sittings. There were tears involved. It's a very nice love story that can hit anyone. May remind you of that first hint of longing for someone that you don't realize at first, then you do and you deny it, then you admit it to yourself and it keeps growing and growing and when they're so close and clueless about how your world is ready to fall apart when they look the other way, your skin feels like smoke is steaming out of it and if any part of them ever grazes any part of you that spot will smolder til sooner or later you're going to spontaneously combust, but not before your heart beats like the sound of an unborn baby's heart in an ultrasound, like it's going to burst anytime and then you're dead...without being able to say or do anything about that longing. Nobody knows but you, poor, helpless, dead you.
It's 430 AM now and I'm thinking of going out for a jog in a little while. I'm easing my way back into running. I missed a lot of weeks. Or maybe I'll jog in the afternoon.
Damn, I've almost forgotten about my loneliness.
4:35 AM. No, turns out I haven't. Good night, I suppose.
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