Is this what

Every day I realize I've been having depressive symptoms since EVER, but I am not clinically diagnosed. I go about my day to day chattels, wondering why I'm such & such, then years after, I come across articles about depression & anxiety and relate to them. I've been thinking of seeing a professional since late last year, but I'm...shy. What if I'm only overreacting? I'm also thinking of, before going to a stranger-psychologist, sending Ms. Zandra (a former colleague in Letran, she was a guidance counselor there) a message--is this something I should be worried about? Do I really need to go to a professional? Well, she IS a professional. She is a licensed counselor--or something that has to do with psych. Maybe what I'm feeling is normal after all. Maybe it's because...well, I don't know. People go though tough shit everyday. I just have to keep fighting.

ANYWAY, I just finished watching Table 19 and I think the movie is adorable, uplifting, and Lisa Kudrow is there & there was a dog. When the closing credits started rolling, I realized I was lonely. I've kind of always been solitary, melancholic, sometimes seemingly godforsaken, but not exactly sad. But this, tonight, this "loneliness" that made itself felt, is a different kind and I don't know what to make of it. This current loneliness feels like it's connected to the fact that I have no one. Though maybe it's just an effect of my watching too much romantic films of late. In three days, I've watched Call Me By Your Name three times, excluding the many YouTube clips I've repeatedly viewed. I've also read the book (online) in two-three sittings. There were tears involved. It's a very nice love story that can hit anyone. May remind you of that first hint of longing for someone that you don't realize at first, then you do and you deny it, then you admit it to yourself and it keeps growing and growing and when they're so close and clueless about how your world is ready to fall apart when they look the other way, your skin feels like smoke is steaming out of it and if any part of them ever grazes any part of you that spot will smolder til sooner or later you're going to spontaneously combust, but not before your heart beats like the sound of an unborn baby's heart in an ultrasound, like it's going to burst anytime and then you're dead...without being able to say or do anything about that longing. Nobody knows but you, poor, helpless, dead you.

It's 430 AM now and I'm thinking of going out for a jog in a little while. I'm easing my way back into running. I missed a lot of weeks. Or maybe I'll jog in the afternoon.

Damn, I've almost forgotten about my loneliness.

4:35 AM. No, turns out I haven't. Good night, I suppose.

Jeep ride home, random thoughts

I just came from BPI to pay my BIR annual registration fee and boy did I beat that buzzer. Yes, that is me and my long-time issue with deadlines & due dates. Anyway, according to my period calendar, bloodshed is expected to arrive sometime this or next week. I would like to believe that that is the reason I've been feeling down lately. Hah, I have pre & post menstrual blues on all days I'm not bleeding. I think I have to push myself to run tomorrow morning. Let's see if it changes my mood for the better.

I may have found a new cyber friend on Reddit, depends if he/she replies to my last message, and my future messages if that turns out fine.

I miss having someone to love & hold, but I don't miss the stress that definitely comes with it.

I feel bummed that I don't seem to be cut out for family life--parenthood, being a spouse/partner, &c.

Damn, I want to cry. I hope there's no one there when I get home.

I want more money! I messaged three dubbing directors yesterday, two of them got back to me, said they'd keep me in mind for future projects. I hope they don't just keep me in their minds. I hope they actually hire me to write!

I think I should be more busy. That'd be a win-win for me, I guess: more money + less time to brood on my life's depressing points. Don't worry, self, projects are going to come. You're good at your job, you just have to work better on your time management.

I'm near home. Less than 5kms. I think I'm going to sleep.

One afternoon alone in a foodcourt

I feel it again.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Well, it's more like I feel it starting to lure me, suck me in again. I'm slowly sliding into it but I think I still have twigs left to hold on to. And I have to fight it this time, if I want 2018 to be better than every miserable year I've struggled through. I have to be better. Do better.

My mom thinks I hate my job because it pays low. Well, she's not entirely wrong but the blame is on me. I love my job so much I stay even when the pay is low. I believe in this industry. I just need to get out there. I need to be on a roll again. I need to believe in myself more than I ever have. Where to get consistency?

Ambient noise is the only embrace I've been getting these past years.

I think I'd like to date myself on my birthday. Hmm. Maybe I'll go get checked @ that psych facility in QC. Then maybe go watch a movie @ Ayala 30th (free tix c/o August!).

I'm at peace. These past days I've been dreaming of dead friends and honeymoon villas and flying. I'd love to talk, I have senseless things to say, words helplessly hanging on the tip of my wasabi prickled tongue, but I wipe them off with my sundae-stained napkin instead. No one wants to hear but myself.

What???

I don't know what the frakkk I'm doing (and what I want to do) with my life. I'm procrastination personified.

RT

Random blah.

Oh, the need to hold & be held by a fellow human. This, this is what I do not like about being single AND living in a far away town in a province WITH my mom and sister. Had I chosen to stay in the city, I probably wouldn't be this "thirsty," if you know what I mean, because random (or not random) people would be easier to reach and I'd be a bit more free to do things I want. Eh, dito, naku, wit. Nada. Nil. I thank the Lord and the Universe for occasional eye candies here and there, tho, but that's about it.

Now this is going to be TMI, but it has been almost three years since...if you know what I mean. And the last one was with someone I would rather forget, erase from my life altogether if possible.

Anyway, I have been running/exercising of late. It feels good. I can see and feel my body's improvement since I started jogging (for fun & occasional necessity) last year. Aside from feeling more refreshed & active, I have less thoughts of wanting my life to end (NOT ending my life, mind you). Yes, I'm the same lonely, solitary recluse I've always been, only a bit more hopeful about life in general. It feels good to be alive. I need to keep this up, I think.

There are still times I feel like crying for petty (and not petty) reasons, but I'm less sad now than I have been last year and the year before that, and the year before that.

I'm hearing mass later. I also have to cram two scripts. I'm thinking of hiking a nearby mountain next week. Lots of luck!

Oh, btw, currently crushing on Tormund Giantsbane. Tyrion's still at the top of my list, tho.

Bye, nonexistent reader!

Musings on the few char

Future.

For so long I thought my biggest regret in life was letting some crooked-toothed boy get away. Oh boy was I wrong. Now I regret ALL THE TIME I spent poring over his memories and trying to squeeze myself back into his life blah blah blah. I wish I could go back and focus all that energy into something worthwhile. Damn. I wish I had gotten into running a decade ago. I wish I had gotten into climbing a decade ago or earlier. Anyway, no use crying over that now. All I can do is make the most of my remaining youth and runa nd climb, at the same time fight the urge to bear a child JUST BECAUSE most of my closest girl friends are all married/engaged/familied. Ugh. Peer pressure sucks most of the time.

It scares the daylights out of me, but I can't wait to see what the future holds.

(I just came home from a dinner with my high school friends, btw.)

Perpetual singleness

I have yet to meet a peer who does not think of being single as being a failure, or as a stepping stone to finding the proverbial one, or as a phase or training ground for when I get hitched or something to that effect. Or a person who does not think that being childfree is selfish or a failure as well.

Sometimes it sucks to not be understood.

Yes, there is probably something wrong with me, but there is also probably something wrong with everybody else, so I think it is not wrong to assume that "something wrong with me" is not the main reason why I am single. Is it hard to digest that some people are single because they feel happier that way?

I don't believe in forever. I believe friendships, many forms of love, but only a little bit in romantic love.

I choose to be single and childfree. I am open to changing my mind, but that is not my priority. Let's see what happens.

I'm working on a script right now and I'm supposed to submit it in a few, so I'll probably get back to this topic some other time and I do not know when that is. Expect a long rant that's probs a bit illogical, but Idgaf.

Looking back on (not so) old journal entries on a kinda-full moon

February 2016

1038A

Need to finish Scooby 4 today. Light load, yes. Next week I have nothing to do. J THE LIFE! J How I wish I have some weed with me. I plan to go to either Samat or Zambales to celebrate my birthday in solitude.

1104P

I’m bored. I’m sleepy. I don’t want to work but I have to finish this Scooby script ASAP. Hayyyyyyy. I’ll do a page then sleep a bit then work again. God give me strength. I need a warm embrace, preferably from an attractive male. Being single doesn’t suck save for these moments. Lahat ng attractive guys na trip ko eh are not within reach. Not even within 250 kms. They’re seas away. Mountains away. Worlds away. (And even if they were here, I doubt they would want to hug me. Huhu)

I have a teeny little crush on *. Gushing over this person for several days now. Actually, I've had a thing for this person since some years back, when I first read what he has written--I didn't even know what this person looked like! This person is SO out there. I’m a fan. When I finally met this person in person (how's that for redundance?), I learned this person has a soothing voice, nice, fresh-faced smile, calm demeanor, is smart, has that angas & suplado aura but this person seems down to earth. Funny, too. & this person is not rude. Not tall, but fit as fuck, demmet, but one can tell that this person loves himself. This person's toenails are...okay--as you know, I have a thing about toenails & I don't know why. Anyway, I’ve weaved webs of daydreams about this person on my way home that time! Sa haba ba naman ng byahe. Sadly, there’s no chance of me seeing this person again save for FB. HUGE SAD SIGH. And even if I do get a chance to see this person again, what of it? I’m probably just going to stick my foot in my mouth and make a complete fool out of my pathetic self. This person has probably already forgotten we’ve even met. PR, keep your shit together. Anyway, I badly need a hug it makes me want to burst into tears. 

(FAST FORWARD TO TONIGHT. April 24, 2016. Time is 10:09 PM. I still kind of feel the same. I was wrong on one thing, though: I saw this person again, yay! Infatuation levels are very much under control, good news. Meanwhile, I'm getting sleepy but I have a script to finish. Will finish it tomorrow, but I gotta get something done tonight. I just thought of sharing a bit of myself on cyberspace, where nothing is sacred.)

Night

I saw an ex's photo on Instagram earlier tonight and I felt [I'm not sure what word to put, but I felt a punch in the chest when I saw his face, and that was before I felt my stomach turn a bit, but I guess I was just surprised to see his photo or whatever]. I'm still sorry I hurt him and left, but pushing myself to do that has turned my life around in so many ways. All for the better, I guess. Well, so much for that.

I hope I wake up early tomorrow so I can jog and, along the way, take a pic of River Lily (I named it that and you'll know why when you see it) in Cabetican so I can show it to you, nonexistent reader! It's quite a spectacle considering the location. I only hope the lilies are still in bloom.

Good night!

31

I've been 31 for almost two months now. Society tells me I should be feeling old--I've been officially a spinster since 25 according to Taty (well, I feel that way but it's all good). I'm happy that my friends do not ask me why I'm not married yet. I have few friends and most of them know that I do not believe in marriage and the so-called forever. I like weddings, tho, but please don't confuse the two. I am happy that others believe in marriage & forever and have found it and are happy with their life choices. Magic, yes, I believe in that, but those two, no. And I'm okay with it. I am not bitter. Maybe that is the reason why some of my past relationships did not work. Anyway, I'm blabbering. I should be working right now because I have a deadline to beat, but I am stalling instead. Damn, self.

Ugh. Back to work now. I've written a shit ton in my offline journal.

Oh, before I log out. Other people ask me why I'm not teaching. It's because of insecurity & my aim for perfection. If I do not believe I have what is expected of me, I would not bother. I do not have near-perfect grammar, so I opt to not teach English. I would guide people thru Literature, but I want to guide college kids and I need a masters degree for that and since I do not have that yet, I'm going to keep rewriting scripts til I can afford to do so. I give myself til I'm 35 to finish a graduate degree, then I'm going back to teaching. Yes, the bitch will definitely be back.

Logging out now.

Work

I should be working right now because I have a deadline to beat. Oh, deadlineS to beat. Good luck, bitch.

Each drag fills me with a familiar kind of guilt I have known all these years

A faimliar kind of good

Meanwhile

His voice brings me somewhere I wanna get carried away to

A state I didn’t think I’d ever want to go back into

Something I thought I won’t ever want to go through

A jigsaw without pieces to put together

But us two

Ghosts of a funny puzzle even a fool would not laugh at

Almost nonexistent save for a punch in the chest I want to fill with

Anything but you.

But you are the only one here and I do not want to make a choice

Again

Still wondering after all these years

I see posts & photos of my Facebook friends (yes, only on FB) and they're all so happy and I'm glad they're happy, but I feel kind of bad for myself. What do I do to have that kind of glimmer in my eye? *sigh* I hope I find it, stumble upon it. I want to be happy. This feeling makes me want to climb a mountain...or drown myself in alcohol (nah, health hazard). I'll get through this. Right, nonexistent reader? I give it a few days.

I go to the hills when my heart is lonely

When I was in first year college, I wanted to join the UST Mountaineering Society, but my mom and aunt&uncle (who were financing my schooling) were against it. They said it was not safe, I wouldn;t get anything out of it, I might fall of  a cliff, get killed by civilians, etc.  I cried about it for an extended period, as expected, and each time I passed by the group’s supposed “tambayan,” I would hopelessly wish I could join. I wrote that wish in one of the blank pages in my mind, folded it neatly and tucked it somewhere between the crevices of my heart.

In September 2013, 11 years later, I officially climbed my very first mountain and fell madly in love with the experience. Though I was not able to go to the summit (my friends were hungover from the night’s drinking sesh) and it was rainy and I was suffering from colds, I can honestly say I had a blast in Mt. Daguldol. I hope to go back one day and conquer the peak. 

The lonely page I tucked away unfolded before my eyes and I vowed to climb more mountains after that. Sadly, my resources would not allow. However, I was able to climb three mountains in 2014. I will continue writing some other time. I gotta get back to work. 

BTW, I had my first ever day hike last Sunday, March 22, in Mt. Arayat, Pampanga. At the time, I thought I'd never go back because I had a difficult time, but when I got home that night, thinking about my climb, I changed my mind. I am going back to Mt. Arayat. It's crazy how I learned a lot of things during that dayhike. When/how to let go/hold on, and not to make decisions when tired, among many others. I'll write next time. Maybe even post pictures for you, my nonexistent reader! You keep me going! 

It only sucks that I did not push myself to do this earlier. By this, I mean climbing mountains.

First pic, view fromthe North Peak.

Second pic, me hugging a boulder somewhere after Haring Bato, which we missed

Third, my favorite photo, South Peak, before going down. 

In the last two is my friend, Noi, who hiked with me that day. Thank the Universe for him!

Jog

In preparation for my upcoming mountain climbs this year, I have started jogging. Yesterday. With my dog Octavio in tow. I started with 20 minutes per day. Tomorrow I hope to increase it to 30, and then run up and down our stairs at home for another 30 minutes. I am excited. I cannot wait. 

Why this sudden jogging/stairs blah? I attended this Basic Mountaineering Course over the weekend and it inspired me a lot to get fit and climb mountains. When I'm in the mood, I'll write about it here. It was very fulfilling & inspiring. I also met new friends!

I am set to climb Mt. Natib on March 28-29, Mt. Tarak sometime after that, and Mt. Pulag (Akiki-Ambangeg trail) in June. I also hope to be able to join my new friends in Mt. Apo in November, but I need to buy a plane ticket first to secure my spot. Oh well, Mt. Apo is just there, I can climb it another time. 

Now back to work. 

30

I am turning 30 in five days. I would love to travel, but I can't afford it. 

It has been so long since I last read a YA book (I've been reading F. Scott Fitzgerald of late). I'm now reading Cecelia Ahern's "Love, Rosie" (yes because of the film) and it only reminds me of the most stupid mistake I have ever committed in my life. Letting _ _ go (yes, after all these years). 

Right now I feel like there is a void in my chest and I want it gone. 

LB #2

No matter how I LOVE being independent and shit, there are moments when I think it will make me happier if I belonged to someone (maybe, very seldom) or in some group, but I find it extremely hard to blend and fit in.

I savor the moments I get to laugh with other people on a certain joke, exchange knowing glances or smiles with others regarding a certain event, get applauded for a job well done, etc. These happen seldom in my life, so I make sure I relish them, even when I deny it (grin).

I have always found it hard to socialize and make friends, and even harder to STAY in relationships without feeling like the world is crashing on me.

Nothing stays for long, so I take what I can get and make happy memories.

My dog Octavio more than makes up for those "down" times. :-) He's the best.

LB #1

When I was in first year college, I wanted to join the UST Mountaineering Society, but my mom and aunt&uncle (who were financing my schooling) were against it. I cried about it for an extended period, as expected, and each time I passed by the group’s supposed “tambayan,” I would hopelessly wish I could join. In 2013, 11 years later, I officially climbed my very first mountain and fell in love with the experience. Though I was not able to go to the summit (my friends were hungover from the night’s drinking sesh) and it was rainy and I was suffering from colds, I can honestly say I had a blast in Mt. Daguldol. I hope to go back one day and conquer the peak. Next year, I hope to finish a BMC organized by AMCI or, if I enroll in UP for graduate school (fingers crossed!!), UPM. AND RE-CLIMB TARAK RIDGE ON A NON-RAINY DAY.

Quit

I quit my job yesterday. It's a freelance thing, though, but it's one of my "steady" ones. I feel bad, like I've broken up with someone. Except for the financial side, I feel at peace now and more relaxed. Time to get into something better.

99 days of Freedom?

Would I feel free? Will I be able to keep it up? Ten days ago, I joined this experiment called "99 Days of Freedom" where I'm not supposed to log into my Facebook account for 99 days and see what it does to me. The site, http://99daysoffreedom.com/, promised to contact me after 33, 66 and 99 days of non-Facebook and see how I do, and send me sporadic and "completely anonymous" happiness surveys.

Truth be told, I'm missing it now and I do not know if I can keep up. I shamefully miss playing Candy Crush. I KIND OF miss stalking some people and knowing what they are up to--at least through photos posted/tagged, events, likes, etc. Yes, call me creepy, that's how I've kind of always been, but I believe I am not the creepiest there is.

According to a press release, 99daysof freedom is a non-proft initiative launched by Just B.V., a creative communications agency from the Netherlands, as a response to Facebook's controversial mood experiment, aiming to determine "how life without Facebook impacts user happiness."

The experiement asks willing people to refrain from using Facebook for 99 days, complete with an official countdwon, and then comment on how it has affected their personal happiness. They also provide a message board where participants can post how they are holding up during the break.

I'm a freelance writer and I work at home, in our house in the province, far away from my friends. Facebook is one of my few connections with them and my relatives, but it is by far the biggest distraction in my life so far. Meanwhile, people I care about know my cell phone number and if they want to get in touch with me they can just shoot me a text. Or maybe an email. I think what makes Facebook more preferred by most is that they are not required to exert a considerable amount of effort in keeping others updated with their howabouts as one would in making a call where they 1) spend so much for it, 2) become obliged to answer right away and 3) hello, awkward small talk.

Blah, blah, blah, I can go on, but it's beet ten days and what has happened to me? Do I feel the freedom? Yes, I am feeling it, but I kind of miss being enslaved by FB. Funny how change is creepier than us but we succumb to it because we have no choice.

I miss the people I follow on Facebook, mainly those who I like but am not really close to ^_^

I am going to keep this up. Last weekend, I went on a solo trip to Zambales. I'm going to write about it here one time. Next week, I'm climbing a mountain. I hope it doesn;t rain! Right now I'm trying to work but I've been distracted by...stuff.

It is not Facebook;s fault that I get distracted by it. It's my own discipline "issues." I hope the 99-day experiment helps me improve on that aspect. Oh, discipline, I gotta learn you; I gotta do you.

Meanwhile, I'm getting back to work. Bye, non-existent reader!