Day 2 of Covid positivity

Tired, but thankful that my symptoms are mild because I have to be strong to look after myself. 

I live with my boyfriend, but for some reason he couldn't PROACTIVELY clean the bathroom, sweep, mop and disinfect the floors, and really take care of me being the sick person I am at the moment. This stresses me out more. Gotta depend on me.

I am a covid-positive puddle of stress today. 

     Here is a selfie of me trying to work on a script earlier this afternoon. Yes, I work hard for the money.

Gotta go cry myself to bed now, while my boyfriend sleeps in the next room--he said he's coming down with a cold.

Hang on, self. Tomorrow's going to be better. 

I got hit by c--id's arrow :(

This morning I learned I'm covid positive. I'm still hoping it was a false positive (will find out tomorrow or the day after). 

At first it felt like an arrow hit me, but 16 hours into it I feel like the frog who didn't know it was being cooked alive. Or something like that.

I'm feeling 20-22

So... I got myself a mountain bike last Dec. 30 and tried it out for the first time on Jan 3. It was exhilarating to say the least. I love my folding bike to bits, but this new bike makes me wish I'd gotten it sooner!

Just realized I have no photo of it yet. It's a pretty decent bike on the lower end of the spectrum, with a frame that's a tad big for me and parts from L's old bike's parts, but I've come to like it. Gets the job done. 

Meanwhile, everything else is the same. I have no resolutions--never really believed in them, no concrete plans except that I've decided to quit my office job this year. I'm going back to writing full time. 

I'm proud of my career as an ADR scriptwriter and I love it. 

Kuya Dino

One of my cousins passed on yesterday. The news is only starting to sink in, but I think 51 is such a young age to die.

He will be missed, no doubt about that, and will always be loved. May he be at peace.

Today's musing

Certain things are better nipped in the bud. 

No, not my resurrecting mint plant.

For one more day

I wonder if I will make it until September because at this moment only the thought of my life ending gives me peace. And I need peace. So much peace.

I am tired, overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, and sorry. Overall miserable.

But death is expensive and my resources are scarce.

Give me strength to hold on for one more day.

Here is me trying so hard to hold on, in my part-time make-believe refuge.

Feeling anxious today

Is it the coffee?

So anxious I want to vomit. I don't know why. I just want to go home and curl up in my bed and not do anything for a week straight. Or a month. Or a year. But of course I cannot afford that.

Maybe after I get my pending deliverables done, I will feel better. Gahd, the stress. The stress is getting too much to bear. 

Photo of the swamp I have to walk through every day. Thank goodness for my mother's boots. 

Feeling sabog, but actually sober. 

Knowing that all of this is going to end someday brings me some peace. I am wishing for more. 

Having two jobs is tiring

I have been getting steady writing projects for the longest time and though I am thankful, I feel that I am always tired. I have not enough time left for myself and other things that matter because my office job still stands. The office job has been a regular source of extra income, but I do not feel fulfilled each time I go to the my workstation and have to do what I do. My colleagues are great, nobody bullies me, but I am not happy. Hopefully I get to push through another year and get to save as much as I could. After that, I must decide whether to stay or go. Nobody's getting any younger and a person's physical self can only do so much.

Most days I feel hopeless

I had a short streak of productivity and positivity late last week, but, last night, things went back to normal. Bleak normal. 

Let me tell you what I feel & think of on a normal day, which is on most days. I wish I had enough money so I can afford to die. The thought of death and what comes after, if there ever is anything after, gives me peace: all this misery will end. When I die, I will never be anxious or tired of being anxious anymore. When I die, people around me will have a better life: my mom won't have to clean up after me anymore; my sister will have a better sibling to look up to--my brother; my brother might hate me less for ruining his life (I read it in one of his notebooks several years ago); my boyfriend can find someone better than me--probably pursue the girl/s he still feels for (I read in his notebook that he still feels pagnanasa over other girls even when he already has me so what does that tell ya). 

When I die, I can finally stop being embarrassed of all the cringey life decisions I've made. I won't have to struggle to live through each day anymore. I am tired. I am father. Effing. Tired. 

Too bad I can't afford to die. It's costly and stressful for those I'll leave behind. Right now, the only things making me feel like life is still worth living is my dog, Octavio, and my scripting job. And the thought of my mom blaming herself if I end up dying by taking my own life. 

See, this is why I can never be a writer. 

That's all for today, I guess. I can't wait to sleep

Madaling araw grind

It's 3:28 and I am at work. I have been a freelance ADR scriptwriter since 2012 and I think it is the best job I have ever had. I want to keep doing this until I'm old and gray, and a lifetime is not enough to thank Claude D., a colleague in PDC, for getting me into this industry. 

In the picture is my snack, four toasted mini-mamons soaked in Swiss Miss chocolate drink. It's sweet AF. 

Oooohkay, back to scripting now. Later, nonexistent reader! 

Remember, you are loved. ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

Tiring day

Started my day with a walk under cloudy skies. Went to the market to buy suman, kutsinta, pet food, sili & talong seedlings, and other small stuff. It was peaceful. I like that I am with someone who loves me (and whom I love), but I missed having time alone. Maybe because I was used to being by myself for so long. 

When I got home, I prepared brealfast, did some office work, repotted my newly-bought seedlings, repurposed a couple of 5-gallon containers for my balcony garden, and fixed some things. This afternoon I plan to do some laundry, work on crafts, and get started my script, which is due tomorrow. Good luck with that. 

I hope I get the inspiration to run tomorrow. 

Last night's pink moon gazing

1016a - Last night I spent a short while to gaze at the full moon. Acoording to Google this month's is a Pink Moon, named after a flowering plant. The weather was nice, but there were mosquitoes so I couldn't stay long. I wish I did, though. What's a little sacrifice? 

The moon, when I took a photo of it, appeared blurry. Blurry is the theme of my life. 

Anyway, I have been having second thoughts about something lately. Do I let this drag on, or do I rip the band-aid now? People will get hurt either way. 

Maybe when I die I will finally get the peace I have been chasing all along.

Afternoon Sessions 1

The Covid-19 situation in the Philippines has gotten worse since last I wrote. Other countries have managed it way better. Meanwhile, I still have my jobs. I am thankful, but mostly exhausted. 

This afternoon, I am cleaning out some old books to sell at a bargain. I hope they all get sold. I need funds. 

Here is a picture of my dog, Octavio, keeping me company.

The Covid19 situation is slowly getting the best of me

 ...and I feel helpless. 

My life is generally neither pitiful nor worse than others' but I feel tired, battered, drained and without hope. I feel like my 2017 cloud is descending on me again, fogging everything in sight. This is not the kind of fog I like or want. I would not wish it on anyone. 

Meanwhile, I usually tell myself I'm surprised I even got this far, but it's not actually surprising given the state of my bank accounts. 

It is easy to say "I accept," but, as it is, it is hard to do. 

I was reading my old journal entries and it turns out that on December 4, 2009 I wrote "Someday, everyone I love will seem like strange passers by."

On the other hand, there is hope. There is faith. And there is love. 

Dear Self, tomorrow will be better. 

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Listening to this song.

COVID-19 COMMUNITY QUARANTINE SERIES - Part 1

This is the first of CCQS-related entries. As we all may have heard/read, most of the Philippines is now in a state of calamity due to the effects of the new coronavirus disease 2019 (covid-19) that started to spread in January 2020. It's been a week since our community quarantine started and things have only gotten worse since then. In the coming days until the quarantine gets lifted, I will post some highlights and random musings from my days locked up at home. I don't feel too comfortable posting on Facebook or Instagram so I'm posting everything here, where I feel freer. For that, thank you, Blogger.

I am cramming a script right now--thankful that I'm still getting one or two scripts a month from 20Plus--so I might post something after I submit it to the very patient & ever-reliable Dubbing Supervisor, Dain.

Dear reader, wherever you are, whoever you are, what ever you may be going through at this time, thank you for stumbling into my blog. Please know that I pray for you & wish you all the goodness you deserve.

You are loved.

A month shy of five and thirty

I honestly didn't think I'd make it this far. There must be a reason why I'm still here. It must be the exercise or the b-complex tablets I've been taking, but I am happy.

My first time to buy from Book Depository

I don't know, maybe it is meant to be. While procrastinating at work, I opened my email & saw one from PayPal**.  After reading it, I decided to try and link one of my bank accounts (my payroll account from work) and, to my surprise, it came through--I've tried linking a BDO debit account to PayPal before but it wouldn't work. Anyway, the next unread email was a promotional one from Book Depository and I thought, "Hey, why don't I try buying a book there using PayPal?" I tried buying there some time ago using my BDO Visa Debit card but it wouldn't come through so I wasn't really banking on this one. Again, to my surprise, my payment (via PayPal) was accepted! I am now waiting for a UK bookstore to ship my book after 3-5 working days. According to the BD site, I'm supposed to receive the book in 7-10 days. I've already gotten a confirmation e-mail from BD. I will edit this as I get more updates.

By the way, the book I bought was "Finding Gobi" by Dion Leonard. It's priced at $9.55 but BD has an ongoing promo for PH buyers so I got it for $8.59 instead. :) Since I read about them in the news a few years ago, I was hooked on their story. I followed every post from Dion--when he met this stray dog who just ran with him during an ultra-marathon, when he decided to bring Gobi to his home in Europe, when Gobi went missing, etc. When this book came out I was excited to get a hold of it but I couldn't find it in local bookstores so I would just keep browsing its page on BD, Amazon & Goodreads to get my fix. I also follow them on Instagram @findiggobi

I have to get back to work now or I'm dead. My deadline is today and I haven't done anything significant.

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

**I opened a PayPal account many years ago when I still had a credit card and when I lost that card to loans, I didn't use the account anymore. Not that I was able to use it for anything. It was just...there.

UPDATES!!

September 19, 2019 - I received another e-mail from BD that they have shipped my book & I'm supposed to receive it in 7-10 days.

Change is coming

It has been a month since I last wrote & quite a lot has happened. I've landed myself an 8-5 job in a state university nearby, but I still need to keep my freelancing job to make ends meet. I will be starting on Monday. What am I gonna wear?

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Loads to do!

On Saturday, I'm either hiking in Tarak or going to the beach (if it rains). With L, of course.

Gotta sleep now, must wake up in a few hours. I hope I wake up, and on time.

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Glitch

I feel like shutting down. I'm stressed with one of my projects at work. I never seem to get it done right. A few weeks ago, I was rebuked (in our group chat) for my glaring mistakes. So I did what I could to make it right, but it was a bit too much, apparently. Looks like I overcompensated because, yesterday, I got reprimanded again. This time, for over-correcting. I hope the next script I do will be better. Just right. Oh well.

I feel like crying these past few days. I'm so inefficient at anything. I have to fight this because my death would cost so much money. How I wish I could just disappear from this world without having to bother anyone. :( The thought of dying and leaving all this stress behind gives me peace. Yes, I want to make my mom proud, but my siblings can do that better and I'm not even bothered. Apart from dying, the outdoors and the possibility of travel gives me peace.

L & I are going camping this week, but I don't think I'm really up for it. I want to see him, but, at this point, I'd rather stay home, disconnected from anything and anyone, and sleep for 14 hours straight. God give me strength.

I've never been more stressed

I'm currently working on a Korean magic show, translating it into Tagalog & synching the lines for dubbing. Man, this is something else. It makes working on an Argentinian teen series feel like a walk in the park. I have never been more stressed out!

Self, please. NEVER accept another Magic Control script ever again! It's for your own sanity.