I've been feeling down lately. Been hoping for projects, nothing. Looking for online jobs, too.
I feel like people are disappointed in me. I’ve been practically unemployed for months, drowning in debt, and I'm not a helpful housemate, etc. Ala kung ambag. I go to sleep with an urge to cry and ache in my heart, and wake up ashamed of myself.
Endless loop.
Out and back route.
There are things we don't tell anyone.
My dirty little secret is my ill, ill mind.
Currently song:
From May to October, I lived the life of a spinster of a certain age. Caring for five cats and two dogs sucked the life out of me & I couldn't wait to escape from it. But I liked the alone time.
October, I FINALLY mustered the courage to get professional help. I was crying for weeks (months!!) straight and couldn't function well anymore (with thoughts of offing myself). I was diagnosed with MDD with anxious distress, and was prescribed meds. Escitalopram is doing wonders for me.
November to April, I was in the US for a very long vacation. Got to visit Korea during my layover. Had a smooth experience with the IO & Customs both here and abroad. Got to visit other states. Got to hang out with a high school friend and my relatives. I had the best-ish five months of my life, but it was hella expensive. If I'll be given a chance to do it again, my bike is coming with me! And I'll make sure to save like a madman months before leaving.
March onwards, I wasn't getting writing projects anymore, just one or two. Until now. Practically unemployed. Super stressful. I can't even afford to eat in McDonald's nowadays.
Meanwhile, I think I'm slowly healing. Loneliness is still very much my vibe, but the heavy feelings are mostly out of the picture, most of the time. Misery doesn't prefer my company as much. I don't wake up debilitated. I find it easier to smile/laugh than cry lately. Is this how regular people feel on a daily basis? I don't know. This new life is very new to me! I guess I've been so used to being depressed. I don't know if this is going to last, but I'm happy I get to experience normalcy. Save for the weight gain, I like the current state I'm in. I hope I get better.
Oh, L has a job now! Yay!
Anyway, I'm working on a short series and one film. Things are kind of looking up career-wise, but I need cash. Right now.
Hi, nonexistent reader. It's me, now in my 40s. Here are some shiz lifted from my journal:
January 11, 2025 1034A – Death anniversary of my Uncle and maternal Grandmother. I was mean to Mama today. This is the main reason I can’t give up my apartment. I must have my own lair for when I’m a monster, like today. I wish I was a better person. 1038A – My parallel life is nothing. My mother had the option to have me aborted, but she didn’t do it. Catholic guilt, of course. People encouraged her, maybe they were right. Maybe she should have listened. What gives me peace is that in a parallel universe, I am nothing. I do not exist. I am not sad, not happy. I am not making anyone suffer. In a parallel universe, my mother is happy. Sorry, Ma.
January 27-31, I was in Japan with my family & relatives. It was fun, even when I didn't have enough funds. I'm in debt now, actually. Again. After many, many years of being debt-free. My goodness, give me strength.
February 8, 2025
1103P – I had an OK week. Was able to get my race kit, get to the venue on time, run 21k (7-eleven Run 2025), go to L’s place, work using Tita J’s laptop, submit my episode, and rest. I could have done better (run), but it was all I could do. I was underhydrated, undernourished, undertrained, and lacked sleep. Anyway, working at home (Unit C) right now. In a few months, I’m moving out of this apartment. L has already partially moved out. I want to cherish my last moments here. Hayyyy. Must declutter. In a major way. I'm gonna miss this place.
March 9, 2025
1213A – I deactivated my Facebook account. I want to deactivate my IG as well, but I don’t know if I should. Maybe I’ll just uninstall for a while. I’ve gotta reactivate FB soon because I plan to sell stuff on Marketplace, but good luck. Maybe after 24 hours. Maybe on Wednesday. I don’t know. Right now I’m so stressed out about my finances.
Present: Just finished a script. Projects are scarce, but that is my fault.
Right now, I want to leave this all behind.
Right now, I don't feel loved, even by my self.
'Til next time.
January 11, 2025
1034A – Death anniversary of my Uncle, and maternal Grandmother. I was mean to Mama today. This is the main reason I can’t give up my apartment. I must have my own lair for when I’m a monster, like today. I wish I was a better person.
1038A – My parallel life is nothing. My mother had the option to have me aborted, but she didn’t do it. Catholic guilt, of course. She said people (her very own siblings) encouraged her, and I think maybe they were right. Maybe she should have listened. What gives me peace is that in a parallel universe, I am nothing. I do not exist. I am not sad, not happy. I am not making anyone suffer. In a parallel universe, my mother is happy. Sorry, Ma.
I've been reading posts and comments by people on the Internet that January seemed to never end this year. For me, it went by fast! Too fast, tbh. I had loads to do and I was only able to do around half. As a matter of fact, I should be cramming a two scripts right now.
This February, I plan to start something new. An activity a day, just for this month because I don't want to overwhelm myself. Will start tonight, with a 15-minute workout. Tomorrow, I go for an easy run. The next day, I will be running 32 kms at the 7-11 Run in Manila. Goodness, I need to finish that in five hours or less. All I want to do now is hope, not assume, because you know what happens when I presuppose things. :-|
I want to talk about my upcoming marathon, which is in a few weeks, but I don't want to get too excited because I really am getting stressed out with all these IO horror stories I read on the Internet. Maybe some other time. For now, I will do my best to finish this script I'm working on ASAP.
Dear nonexistent reader, love is all around.
...at hindi ako nilalamig.
Currently listening to Lola Amour's "Raining in Manila."
There was a time, long ago, when I stopped listening to any kind of music because every tune reminds me of a boy I used to love (so I thought). I can't believe I let my idea of him take over my life for quite a while. Ugh. Cringe. CRINGE!!!! I sometimes wish I could eternal sunshine that part of my past, but it wouldn't make sense either way.
Okay, back to work now. It's going to be a long day tomorrow.
The line etched into a headstone, between
the dates of birth and death
represents each step we take on earth, and
every single breath.
For many, it’s just a hyphen, marking time
between the years,
but in that little dash is a lifetime of
laughter, love and tears.
We each create the legacy our dash will
someday represent,
and decide if the life we’re given is truly
lived…or merely spent.
Some deem themselves successful if they can
spend in large amounts,
but how you spend your only dash is all
that really counts.
Time steals our days and hours before we
recognize the theft
and we live each day not knowing how much
of our dash is left.
Responsibilities of daily life -- the
bills, the job, the cash
affect the way we choose to use this
important little dash.
Memories in the making are happening now,
and happening here.
So take the time to make the time, before
they disappear.
This is it. This is the show, with no time
to rehearse.
Minutes move only forward -- never, ever in
reverse.
So, don’t spend this time in sorrow, or
with bitterness and fear.
The future may be uncertain,
but right now, your dash is here.
"The Dash" by Linda Ellis
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Happy 2024, nonexistent reader. The dash is the love you give and receive.
off my chest.
I'm one of the most inconsistent, unstable, unreliable persons one could ever meet. In all aspects of my life, that is true. I function in streaks, and I wish it weren't that way. Everyday I wake up overwhelmed. Most hours of the day my brain is tired from worrying, overthinking. I'm surprised I've managed to keep my job this long. Thank goodness for people who pity me, who have no better choice than to hire me, who (maybe) still believe in me. I pity my family/friends, though. I bet they wish they had someone else, someone better, for a daughter/sister/friend.
Gahd, professional help sure sounds heavenly right now. Heaven I can't afford. Very expensive. I wish I still smoked because a stick of menthol sounds lovely right now. But I don't smoke anymore. Also, it's expensive.
Dear nonexistent reader, I hope we feel better soon.
Can't believe it's almost been a year since I last wrote. Every day I plan on writing something here, but I let myself get sidetracked by matters that probably won't matter in five years. Anyway, I'm writing because of a most happy news: I won the lottery for Osaka Marathon 2024!
