Almost year-end

I went out for a 5k run yesterday afternoon, after so long. I've almost forgotten how exhilarating it felt. I missed my heart racing. I missed the wind on my face. I missed the heat and the high I feel after.

My final interview for this job I'm applying for is on the 31st and I'm kind of anxious. I hope I get it, I do hope their promise of a high salary and good benefits are real, I hope it really isn't stressful. Is this what the Universe wants for me?

Meanwhile, my brother has officially moved into his new condo & will be starting in his new work in February. I feel inspired to follow suit. I have to keep this up.

Three days before I get to see L again.

Sometimes it seems as if the easiest way out is a shot to the head, but my heart wants to keep beating even when it's all thorns and sharp blades all around.

Makes me wonder what tomorrow brings.

Que sera, sera.

Amen.

Dear self, dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Before next year

In two weeks it's going to be 2019. It's been two weeks since I last wrote & here I am cramming a script for the nth time.

Hoping for a pleasant plot twist before the year ends.

In love ❤

...but I am yet to tell the person.

Last month of the year

Woman, time flew by so fast!

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote:
- crammed several scripts, juggled different projects
- gone on several dates (with L)
- camped in Tarak Ridge twice (both with L)
- tried trail running for the first time (in Talamitam, with L)
- hung out in Tagaytay (again, with L)
- after five long years... (with L!)
- managed to run 18k--the longest distance I've run SO FAR

I'm actually trying to cram a script right now but here I am. Priorities, priorities.

Will write again after I get this done. Agh!

No matter how inefficient you think you may be, you are loved.

I miss dirt

I find the outdoors addictive and I don't know why.

Unfortunately, I can't always afford to go hiking so I just console myself with jogging somewhere near our apartment. It's pretty outdoorsy--there's breeze, a little dirt path, trees. In fact, I'm going out for a 7k run in a while. This is part of my training for 21k in November.

I miss my earphones.

In other news, I've been crying again. No worries, self, you'll get through this.

You are loved.

Will I ever learn?

No.

I said the Universe gave me the best distraction in the form of this certain new friend I met last June, right? I think the so called friendship has run its course. I am not in it for romantic shiz but why did I let myself overindulge? For years I have successfully avoided getting this close to anyone and, yes, I was lonely, but I was not stressed. I didn't feel rejected, left behind. Now it feels like 2015 all over again. It sucks that I most likely have been used as an ego boost again, someone to fill the void of boredom. I hope this person does not tell anyone about our conversations. I feel like I want to eternal sunshine this whole part of my year.

Listening to "15 Step" by Radiohead.

You'll feel better, self. You are loved.

I should be cramming now

I haven't really been busy since I got back from Visayas last June. Somehow, my contacts gradually ceased giving me projects. Of late, I've only been working on a script a week & it kills me! I work better when packed. I'm supposed to have submitted this script yesterday but I'm not even halfway til now. So good luck, self.

It's a long shot that any of my real-life friends will read this, but sorry for saying I've been busy these past few months. I miss all of them, yes, but I just...don't feel ready for face-to-face human interaction. I don't want to spread my negative vibes. I've been fighting sad thoughts again.

The clock reads 10:42 am and I should be working. Oops, this new friend I've been chatting with every single day since June just texted & I am going to reply now because, whether I like it or not, talking to him helps keep me sane. Universe, thank you for sending this new friend my way.

Why do I feel this way?

It's been raining for weeks where I live. Been talking to some friends online and I think it's helping. But tonight I feel like I'm just floating on a dark steady stream and there is no end in sight. Where is my life going? Am I going to die soon? Do I need to get a new job?

Last night, I was talking to a fairly new friend and discovered we both seriously considered taking our own lives in the past. I felt sorry for this friend, the bullying he went through, but happy that he chose to live. Can I say the same for myself? I don't know, maybe, but for a while I didn't feel alone.

Today's been blah. I woke up after lunch, replied to some messages, then fell asleep again, and woke up in the evening. Had dinner, talked to some friends, and now I'm here.

I have to get a script done tomorrow. I'm not in the mood to work.

Currently listening to "Tugtog" by Bullet Dumas, John Apura & Yuna Reguerra.

Salamat

I had a semi-good cry this afternoon. It wasn't sad or anything, but somebody said something that I found so beautiful it moved me to tears.

I asked someone to tell me something I didn't know. The reply I got had me crying for ten minutes. I wish I could write it here, but I made a promise to keep it a secret. I think, however, that it wouldn't hurt to say it had to do with being thankful.

Thankful, that should be me.

Let's go to the mall

I'm having allergic rhinitis but I feel like going to the mall to...unwind? Mall is where Booksale is and I want to see what's new. I hope I score an awesome bargain.

I miss some of my friends. I'm having a text convo with Shiela, who just said she's ending her breast-pumping journey since Marcus is turning two soon. She said she doesn't know what/how to feel. I don't know what to tell her, but I sympathize. I should see her soon.

I'm trying so hard not to fall apart. When I'm not busy or talking to people I like talking to, I feel that misery trying to sneak into my core again. I can't let it. I must not let it. But I also do not want to keep depending on others for escape or distraction. Or should I? I wish I have the answers.

I think I should move out and live on my own for good. I'm going to need more money for that.

Wish me luck & grace, nonexistent reader. Thank you.

I feel light

Tonight, I told my sister about my sexual harassment stories and I feel lighter, like a load was taken off my chest. I am happy that she feels strongly against it & that she is not one of those teenagers who are boy-crazy and eager to fall in love. Here are other things that came up in our conversation:
- "trust no btch" even if they're friends
- God is gender neutral/gender inclusive
- Cumin (our cat that has been missing for two months)
- anger management
- generational fights
- 27 (he is a Golden Retriever)
- so much more I can't remember right now.

I also had a short chat with 27 earlier tonight. This is not good for my peace but I can't stay away. Wish me luck. Listening to "Shooting Star" by Teeth.

Today has been bleh-bleh-bleh

I went to Manila today to get my TF. It wasn't much, but enough to last us a few weeks. The whole thing was tiring. Traffic, pollution, crowds, expenses. Feeling down, as usual. (huge sigh)

As soon as I got home, I sent 27 a message. He replied after some time & we chatted a bit about his sprain, stuff about stress, physical activity, the weather, fresh carrot juice, &c. I felt like crying the whole time. Should I really see a professional about this? I wish I could tell 27 how much I appreciate him chatting with me every day. I forget about my misery. Maybe I'll tell him one day when I'm not too emotional.

Hey, 27, you're by far the best distraction I've ever come across & you're always welcome. 

At the same time, I'm preparing myself for possible ghosting because, well, you never know. Bring it on, I'm ready. I can handle it. I can lose another friend. Pero huwag muna, please.

Lead me down your rabbit hole

wreck my mind

reel me out

make me mad

It's getting bigger than I expected

and I'm only getting smaller

Going to sleep in a while. I want to hike tomorrow but I have no extra money for that. Besides, there's a super typhoon coming up so hiking might not be a good idea. Rain is the last thing I need now. Listening to "When You're Gone" by The Cranberries.

Sleep well, nonexistent reader. Things will be better in the morrow.

Off to my last song for the night, "Sweet" by Pacifika.

Midday brooding

I went to sleep happy last night, but I woke up feeling glum. The midday sun is up and scorching, ready to singe what remains of my dry, spinster life.

Anyway, I went down, ready to soldier on through another day, and my mom started chatting to me about going abroad. She said, no offense, but I think that if I don't go abroad (to make more money, of course), we won't be able to buy our own house. I, of course, painfully agreed. At the rate my so-called career is going, I'll die hungry and with my eyes open. Naturally, I don't want my family suffering the same fate. They obviously don't want that too.

Will 27 keep talking to me if he learns I'm just this underachieving, without a backbone old maid? I wonder who among my very few real friends would stick when they get tired of my miserable aura.

I'm not living the life I want. I don't think this is meant for me. There must be something else or I wouldn't be wishing for it.

As usual, "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. is my go-to song for times like this.

Bye, nonexistent reader! Don't let the sun scorch your parade.

System is temporarily down

Today's been unproductive. I was supposed to do stuff but...nothing. According to my period tracker, bloodshed will come in a week. Maybe that is why I feel this way. Thank goodness for period calendars! I'm not using it for reproductive or coital purposes, though. I like it because it lets me plan my hikes & outdoor activities better.

Meanwhile, today, I learned about Enneagram types from my sister & it turns out I'm a type 4: romantic or artist. Maybe I will write about it another time. For now, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for 12 hours straight. Or hear from 27, who has probably already drifted away for good. Oh well. Bye, 27, thank you for making me forget about my misery this past month.

By the way, I have a new favorite song: Kat Edmonson's "I Wasn't Made for Times Like These" I might have gotten the title wrong, but oh how it spoke to me!

Until next time, nonexistent reader! You are loved.

My life is improving, I guess

This year has been good so far, I have not had any major depressive thoughts. I still have no clear idea where my life is headed, but unlike the previous years, I do not want it to end. Despite my financial destitution, I'm doing well. Feeling hopeful, even. I'm thinking of getting a steady part-time job here because I think I'll need it if I want to travel outside the country next year . I need it for visa purposes and extra moolah of course. I need to be out of the house every now and then or else I will slide back into the pit I tried so hard to crawl out of. Yes, there is still a cloud of misery hanging around, but I think I can handle it better now. I don't want to end up killing myself--remember last year? Oh goodness Lord please don't let me go through that again.

I've been talking to a new friend these past few weeks. Like, every single day since May 30. Met this person in Antique, he was part of the group I joined to climb Mt. Baloy Dako, which by the way deserves a separate kwento. Anyway, he is easy to talk to, maybe because he is an Aquarian like I am. I lent him some of my books, which I hope to get back someday because they're my paper-babies! Simply talking to people helps, even if I don't talk about my misery.

Meanwhile, I have once again broken some hearts. I hate it, but I couldn't let it go on. Unfair to all of us. I don't like hurting people because I don't like getting hurt. I'm not even that pretty, you know, so I don't get why these guys like me. I appreciate it, though. I guess you can't really choose who you fall for.

Gotta go. I have to finish a script today.

Can we really be heroes

There is not much going on in my life right now. I'm broke. Bowie's "Heroes" playing in the background.

Maybe I really need to seek professional help. It feels like dark-2017 all over again. :(

Or maybe I'm just looking for love and I don't want to admit it. Yes, I have my family and dog and some friends and all, and I love them, but you get what I mean. But I don't want to deal with the complexities of being in a relationship. Besides, I don't have anyone to love. Sure there are some who've "expressed intent," but I don't want to settle. I don't want to force myself to love someone just because they love me. I want my magic. I want someone I actually want. We're all selfish like that.

They say love is a choice. I agree, but I think there has to be something, a spark or something else, to incite that choice. Is it too much to hope for a spark?

Things are looking up

Remember those three dubbing directors I messaged some time ago? Two of them have given me projects :) Director D was the first to contact me & give me a script to work on, Director P gave me a project I'm not yet sure if it's for keeps because I've not signed any contract. Director Ma is, hopefully, still keeping me in mind for future gigs. I'm not making steady money yet, but I expect it to come pouring in once I get settled and all. I hope more projects come soon. So far, despite my tardiness, things are going well, career-wise.

Health-wise, I guess I can say I'm doing fine. I got sick in February, but nothing serious, according to the doctor, though I might have to get my thyroid & TMJ checked some time, just to be sure. I've also finished my c25k program last March 6, after four long months! It wasn't easy, but I soldiered on, and I conquered. I've since taken on a new program, the Ease into 10k, to prepare myself for a 10-kilometer run sometime in June...hopefully.

I'm going to bake cookies later, during or after doing my laundry. I have a batch and a half sitting in the fridge (yehess, fridge!) and I need to cook that before it becomes stale. It's a waste to let it go to...waste.

Going back to work now, I'm cramming a Cumplices script, which I'm supposed to have submitted last Saturday. Hang me now.

Is this what

Every day I realize I've been having depressive symptoms since EVER, but I am not clinically diagnosed. I go about my day to day chattels, wondering why I'm such & such, then years after, I come across articles about depression & anxiety and relate to them. I've been thinking of seeing a professional since late last year, but I'm...shy. What if I'm only overreacting? I'm also thinking of, before going to a stranger-psychologist, sending Ms. Zandra (a former colleague in Letran, she was a guidance counselor there) a message--is this something I should be worried about? Do I really need to go to a professional? Well, she IS a professional. She is a licensed counselor--or something that has to do with psych. Maybe what I'm feeling is normal after all. Maybe it's because...well, I don't know. People go though tough shit everyday. I just have to keep fighting.

ANYWAY, I just finished watching Table 19 and I think the movie is adorable, uplifting, and Lisa Kudrow is there & there was a dog. When the closing credits started rolling, I realized I was lonely. I've kind of always been solitary, melancholic, sometimes seemingly godforsaken, but not exactly sad. But this, tonight, this "loneliness" that made itself felt, is a different kind and I don't know what to make of it. This current loneliness feels like it's connected to the fact that I have no one. Though maybe it's just an effect of my watching too much romantic films of late. In three days, I've watched Call Me By Your Name three times, excluding the many YouTube clips I've repeatedly viewed. I've also read the book (online) in two-three sittings. There were tears involved. It's a very nice love story that can hit anyone. May remind you of that first hint of longing for someone that you don't realize at first, then you do and you deny it, then you admit it to yourself and it keeps growing and growing and when they're so close and clueless about how your world is ready to fall apart when they look the other way, your skin feels like smoke is steaming out of it and if any part of them ever grazes any part of you that spot will smolder til sooner or later you're going to spontaneously combust, but not before your heart beats like the sound of an unborn baby's heart in an ultrasound, like it's going to burst anytime and then you're dead...without being able to say or do anything about that longing. Nobody knows but you, poor, helpless, dead you.

It's 430 AM now and I'm thinking of going out for a jog in a little while. I'm easing my way back into running. I missed a lot of weeks. Or maybe I'll jog in the afternoon.

Damn, I've almost forgotten about my loneliness.

4:35 AM. No, turns out I haven't. Good night, I suppose.

Jeep ride home, random thoughts

I just came from BPI to pay my BIR annual registration fee and boy did I beat that buzzer. Yes, that is me and my long-time issue with deadlines & due dates. Anyway, according to my period calendar, bloodshed is expected to arrive sometime this or next week. I would like to believe that that is the reason I've been feeling down lately. Hah, I have pre & post menstrual blues on all days I'm not bleeding. I think I have to push myself to run tomorrow morning. Let's see if it changes my mood for the better.

I may have found a new cyber friend on Reddit, depends if he/she replies to my last message, and my future messages if that turns out fine.

I miss having someone to love & hold, but I don't miss the stress that definitely comes with it.

I feel bummed that I don't seem to be cut out for family life--parenthood, being a spouse/partner, &c.

Damn, I want to cry. I hope there's no one there when I get home.

I want more money! I messaged three dubbing directors yesterday, two of them got back to me, said they'd keep me in mind for future projects. I hope they don't just keep me in their minds. I hope they actually hire me to write!

I think I should be more busy. That'd be a win-win for me, I guess: more money + less time to brood on my life's depressing points. Don't worry, self, projects are going to come. You're good at your job, you just have to work better on your time management.

I'm near home. Less than 5kms. I think I'm going to sleep.

One afternoon alone in a foodcourt

I feel it again.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Well, it's more like I feel it starting to lure me, suck me in again. I'm slowly sliding into it but I think I still have twigs left to hold on to. And I have to fight it this time, if I want 2018 to be better than every miserable year I've struggled through. I have to be better. Do better.

My mom thinks I hate my job because it pays low. Well, she's not entirely wrong but the blame is on me. I love my job so much I stay even when the pay is low. I believe in this industry. I just need to get out there. I need to be on a roll again. I need to believe in myself more than I ever have. Where to get consistency?

Ambient noise is the only embrace I've been getting these past years.

I think I'd like to date myself on my birthday. Hmm. Maybe I'll go get checked @ that psych facility in QC. Then maybe go watch a movie @ Ayala 30th (free tix c/o August!).

I'm at peace. These past days I've been dreaming of dead friends and honeymoon villas and flying. I'd love to talk, I have senseless things to say, words helplessly hanging on the tip of my wasabi prickled tongue, but I wipe them off with my sundae-stained napkin instead. No one wants to hear but myself.