A month shy of five and thirty

I honestly didn't think I'd make it this far. There must be a reason why I'm still here. It must be the exercise or the b-complex tablets I've been taking, but I am happy.

My first time to buy from Book Depository

I don't know, maybe it is meant to be. While procrastinating at work, I opened my email & saw one from PayPal**.  After reading it, I decided to try and link one of my bank accounts (my payroll account from work) and, to my surprise, it came through--I've tried linking a BDO debit account to PayPal before but it wouldn't work. Anyway, the next unread email was a promotional one from Book Depository and I thought, "Hey, why don't I try buying a book there using PayPal?" I tried buying there some time ago using my BDO Visa Debit card but it wouldn't come through so I wasn't really banking on this one. Again, to my surprise, my payment (via PayPal) was accepted! I am now waiting for a UK bookstore to ship my book after 3-5 working days. According to the BD site, I'm supposed to receive the book in 7-10 days. I've already gotten a confirmation e-mail from BD. I will edit this as I get more updates.

By the way, the book I bought was "Finding Gobi" by Dion Leonard. It's priced at $9.55 but BD has an ongoing promo for PH buyers so I got it for $8.59 instead. :) Since I read about them in the news a few years ago, I was hooked on their story. I followed every post from Dion--when he met this stray dog who just ran with him during an ultra-marathon, when he decided to bring Gobi to his home in Europe, when Gobi went missing, etc. When this book came out I was excited to get a hold of it but I couldn't find it in local bookstores so I would just keep browsing its page on BD, Amazon & Goodreads to get my fix. I also follow them on Instagram @findiggobi

I have to get back to work now or I'm dead. My deadline is today and I haven't done anything significant.

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

**I opened a PayPal account many years ago when I still had a credit card and when I lost that card to loans, I didn't use the account anymore. Not that I was able to use it for anything. It was just...there.

UPDATES!!

September 19, 2019 - I received another e-mail from BD that they have shipped my book & I'm supposed to receive it in 7-10 days.

Change is coming

It has been a month since I last wrote & quite a lot has happened. I've landed myself an 8-5 job in a state university nearby, but I still need to keep my freelancing job to make ends meet. I will be starting on Monday. What am I gonna wear?

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Loads to do!

On Saturday, I'm either hiking in Tarak or going to the beach (if it rains). With L, of course.

Gotta sleep now, must wake up in a few hours. I hope I wake up, and on time.

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Glitch

I feel like shutting down. I'm stressed with one of my projects at work. I never seem to get it done right. A few weeks ago, I was rebuked (in our group chat) for my glaring mistakes. So I did what I could to make it right, but it was a bit too much, apparently. Looks like I overcompensated because, yesterday, I got reprimanded again. This time, for over-correcting. I hope the next script I do will be better. Just right. Oh well.

I feel like crying these past few days. I'm so inefficient at anything. I have to fight this because my death would cost so much money. How I wish I could just disappear from this world without having to bother anyone. :( The thought of dying and leaving all this stress behind gives me peace. Yes, I want to make my mom proud, but my siblings can do that better and I'm not even bothered. Apart from dying, the outdoors and the possibility of travel gives me peace.

L & I are going camping this week, but I don't think I'm really up for it. I want to see him, but, at this point, I'd rather stay home, disconnected from anything and anyone, and sleep for 14 hours straight. God give me strength.

I've never been more stressed

I'm currently working on a Korean magic show, translating it into Tagalog & synching the lines for dubbing. Man, this is something else. It makes working on an Argentinian teen series feel like a walk in the park. I have never been more stressed out!

Self, please. NEVER accept another Magic Control script ever again! It's for your own sanity.

Almost year-end

I went out for a 5k run yesterday afternoon, after so long. I've almost forgotten how exhilarating it felt. I missed my heart racing. I missed the wind on my face. I missed the heat and the high I feel after.

My final interview for this job I'm applying for is on the 31st and I'm kind of anxious. I hope I get it, I do hope their promise of a high salary and good benefits are real, I hope it really isn't stressful. Is this what the Universe wants for me?

Meanwhile, my brother has officially moved into his new condo & will be starting in his new work in February. I feel inspired to follow suit. I have to keep this up.

Three days before I get to see L again.

Sometimes it seems as if the easiest way out is a shot to the head, but my heart wants to keep beating even when it's all thorns and sharp blades all around.

Makes me wonder what tomorrow brings.

Que sera, sera.

Amen.

Dear self, dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Before next year

In two weeks it's going to be 2019. It's been two weeks since I last wrote & here I am cramming a script for the nth time.

Hoping for a pleasant plot twist before the year ends.

In love ❤

...but I am yet to tell the person.

Last month of the year

Woman, time flew by so fast!

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote:
- crammed several scripts, juggled different projects
- gone on several dates (with L)
- camped in Tarak Ridge twice (both with L)
- tried trail running for the first time (in Talamitam, with L)
- hung out in Tagaytay (again, with L)
- after five long years... (with L!)
- managed to run 18k--the longest distance I've run SO FAR

I'm actually trying to cram a script right now but here I am. Priorities, priorities.

Will write again after I get this done. Agh!

No matter how inefficient you think you may be, you are loved.

I miss dirt

I find the outdoors addictive and I don't know why.

Unfortunately, I can't always afford to go hiking so I just console myself with jogging somewhere near our apartment. It's pretty outdoorsy--there's breeze, a little dirt path, trees. In fact, I'm going out for a 7k run in a while. This is part of my training for 21k in November.

I miss my earphones.

In other news, I've been crying again. No worries, self, you'll get through this.

You are loved.

Will I ever learn?

No.

I said the Universe gave me the best distraction in the form of this certain new friend I met last June, right? I think the so called friendship has run its course. I am not in it for romantic shiz but why did I let myself overindulge? For years I have successfully avoided getting this close to anyone and, yes, I was lonely, but I was not stressed. I didn't feel rejected, left behind. Now it feels like 2015 all over again. It sucks that I most likely have been used as an ego boost again, someone to fill the void of boredom. I hope this person does not tell anyone about our conversations. I feel like I want to eternal sunshine this whole part of my year.

Listening to "15 Step" by Radiohead.

You'll feel better, self. You are loved.

I should be cramming now

I haven't really been busy since I got back from Visayas last June. Somehow, my contacts gradually ceased giving me projects. Of late, I've only been working on a script a week & it kills me! I work better when packed. I'm supposed to have submitted this script yesterday but I'm not even halfway til now. So good luck, self.

It's a long shot that any of my real-life friends will read this, but sorry for saying I've been busy these past few months. I miss all of them, yes, but I just...don't feel ready for face-to-face human interaction. I don't want to spread my negative vibes. I've been fighting sad thoughts again.

The clock reads 10:42 am and I should be working. Oops, this new friend I've been chatting with every single day since June just texted & I am going to reply now because, whether I like it or not, talking to him helps keep me sane. Universe, thank you for sending this new friend my way.

Why do I feel this way?

It's been raining for weeks where I live. Been talking to some friends online and I think it's helping. But tonight I feel like I'm just floating on a dark steady stream and there is no end in sight. Where is my life going? Am I going to die soon? Do I need to get a new job?

Last night, I was talking to a fairly new friend and discovered we both seriously considered taking our own lives in the past. I felt sorry for this friend, the bullying he went through, but happy that he chose to live. Can I say the same for myself? I don't know, maybe, but for a while I didn't feel alone.

Today's been blah. I woke up after lunch, replied to some messages, then fell asleep again, and woke up in the evening. Had dinner, talked to some friends, and now I'm here.

I have to get a script done tomorrow. I'm not in the mood to work.

Currently listening to "Tugtog" by Bullet Dumas, John Apura & Yuna Reguerra.

Salamat

I had a semi-good cry this afternoon. It wasn't sad or anything, but somebody said something that I found so beautiful it moved me to tears.

I asked someone to tell me something I didn't know. The reply I got had me crying for ten minutes. I wish I could write it here, but I made a promise to keep it a secret. I think, however, that it wouldn't hurt to say it had to do with being thankful.

Thankful, that should be me.

Let's go to the mall

I'm having allergic rhinitis but I feel like going to the mall to...unwind? Mall is where Booksale is and I want to see what's new. I hope I score an awesome bargain.

I miss some of my friends. I'm having a text convo with Shiela, who just said she's ending her breast-pumping journey since Marcus is turning two soon. She said she doesn't know what/how to feel. I don't know what to tell her, but I sympathize. I should see her soon.

I'm trying so hard not to fall apart. When I'm not busy or talking to people I like talking to, I feel that misery trying to sneak into my core again. I can't let it. I must not let it. But I also do not want to keep depending on others for escape or distraction. Or should I? I wish I have the answers.

I think I should move out and live on my own for good. I'm going to need more money for that.

Wish me luck & grace, nonexistent reader. Thank you.

I feel light

Tonight, I told my sister about my sexual harassment stories and I feel lighter, like a load was taken off my chest. I am happy that she feels strongly against it & that she is not one of those teenagers who are boy-crazy and eager to fall in love. Here are other things that came up in our conversation:
- "trust no btch" even if they're friends
- God is gender neutral/gender inclusive
- Cumin (our cat that has been missing for two months)
- anger management
- generational fights
- 27 (he is a Golden Retriever)
- so much more I can't remember right now.

I also had a short chat with 27 earlier tonight. This is not good for my peace but I can't stay away. Wish me luck. Listening to "Shooting Star" by Teeth.

Today has been bleh-bleh-bleh

I went to Manila today to get my TF. It wasn't much, but enough to last us a few weeks. The whole thing was tiring. Traffic, pollution, crowds, expenses. Feeling down, as usual. (huge sigh)

As soon as I got home, I sent 27 a message. He replied after some time & we chatted a bit about his sprain, stuff about stress, physical activity, the weather, fresh carrot juice, &c. I felt like crying the whole time. Should I really see a professional about this? I wish I could tell 27 how much I appreciate him chatting with me every day. I forget about my misery. Maybe I'll tell him one day when I'm not too emotional.

Hey, 27, you're by far the best distraction I've ever come across & you're always welcome. 

At the same time, I'm preparing myself for possible ghosting because, well, you never know. Bring it on, I'm ready. I can handle it. I can lose another friend. Pero huwag muna, please.

Lead me down your rabbit hole

wreck my mind

reel me out

make me mad

It's getting bigger than I expected

and I'm only getting smaller

Going to sleep in a while. I want to hike tomorrow but I have no extra money for that. Besides, there's a super typhoon coming up so hiking might not be a good idea. Rain is the last thing I need now. Listening to "When You're Gone" by The Cranberries.

Sleep well, nonexistent reader. Things will be better in the morrow.

Off to my last song for the night, "Sweet" by Pacifika.

Midday brooding

I went to sleep happy last night, but I woke up feeling glum. The midday sun is up and scorching, ready to singe what remains of my dry, spinster life.

Anyway, I went down, ready to soldier on through another day, and my mom started chatting to me about going abroad. She said, no offense, but I think that if I don't go abroad (to make more money, of course), we won't be able to buy our own house. I, of course, painfully agreed. At the rate my so-called career is going, I'll die hungry and with my eyes open. Naturally, I don't want my family suffering the same fate. They obviously don't want that too.

Will 27 keep talking to me if he learns I'm just this underachieving, without a backbone old maid? I wonder who among my very few real friends would stick when they get tired of my miserable aura.

I'm not living the life I want. I don't think this is meant for me. There must be something else or I wouldn't be wishing for it.

As usual, "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. is my go-to song for times like this.

Bye, nonexistent reader! Don't let the sun scorch your parade.

System is temporarily down

Today's been unproductive. I was supposed to do stuff but...nothing. According to my period tracker, bloodshed will come in a week. Maybe that is why I feel this way. Thank goodness for period calendars! I'm not using it for reproductive or coital purposes, though. I like it because it lets me plan my hikes & outdoor activities better.

Meanwhile, today, I learned about Enneagram types from my sister & it turns out I'm a type 4: romantic or artist. Maybe I will write about it another time. For now, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for 12 hours straight. Or hear from 27, who has probably already drifted away for good. Oh well. Bye, 27, thank you for making me forget about my misery this past month.

By the way, I have a new favorite song: Kat Edmonson's "I Wasn't Made for Times Like These" I might have gotten the title wrong, but oh how it spoke to me!

Until next time, nonexistent reader! You are loved.

My life is improving, I guess

This year has been good so far, I have not had any major depressive thoughts. I still have no clear idea where my life is headed, but unlike the previous years, I do not want it to end. Despite my financial destitution, I'm doing well. Feeling hopeful, even. I'm thinking of getting a steady part-time job here because I think I'll need it if I want to travel outside the country next year . I need it for visa purposes and extra moolah of course. I need to be out of the house every now and then or else I will slide back into the pit I tried so hard to crawl out of. Yes, there is still a cloud of misery hanging around, but I think I can handle it better now. I don't want to end up killing myself--remember last year? Oh goodness Lord please don't let me go through that again.

I've been talking to a new friend these past few weeks. Like, every single day since May 30. Met this person in Antique, he was part of the group I joined to climb Mt. Baloy Dako, which by the way deserves a separate kwento. Anyway, he is easy to talk to, maybe because he is an Aquarian like I am. I lent him some of my books, which I hope to get back someday because they're my paper-babies! Simply talking to people helps, even if I don't talk about my misery.

Meanwhile, I have once again broken some hearts. I hate it, but I couldn't let it go on. Unfair to all of us. I don't like hurting people because I don't like getting hurt. I'm not even that pretty, you know, so I don't get why these guys like me. I appreciate it, though. I guess you can't really choose who you fall for.

Gotta go. I have to finish a script today.

Can we really be heroes

There is not much going on in my life right now. I'm broke. Bowie's "Heroes" playing in the background.

Maybe I really need to seek professional help. It feels like dark-2017 all over again. :(

Or maybe I'm just looking for love and I don't want to admit it. Yes, I have my family and dog and some friends and all, and I love them, but you get what I mean. But I don't want to deal with the complexities of being in a relationship. Besides, I don't have anyone to love. Sure there are some who've "expressed intent," but I don't want to settle. I don't want to force myself to love someone just because they love me. I want my magic. I want someone I actually want. We're all selfish like that.

They say love is a choice. I agree, but I think there has to be something, a spark or something else, to incite that choice. Is it too much to hope for a spark?