I want to get something...

 off my chest. 

I'm one of the most inconsistent, unstable, unreliable persons one could ever meet. In all aspects of my life, that is true. I function in streaks, and I wish it weren't that way. Everyday I wake up overwhelmed. Most hours of the day my brain is tired from worrying, overthinking. I'm surprised I've managed to keep my job this long. Thank goodness for people who pity me, who have no better choice than to hire me, who (maybe) still believe in me. I pity my family/friends, though. I bet they wish they had someone else, someone better, for a daughter/sister/friend. 

Gahd, professional help sure sounds heavenly right now. Heaven I can't afford. Very expensive. I wish I still smoked because a stick of menthol sounds lovely right now. But I don't smoke anymore. Also, it's expensive. 

Dear nonexistent reader, I hope we feel better soon. 

Has it been a year?!

Can't believe it's almost been a year since I last wrote. Every day I plan on writing something here, but I let myself get sidetracked by matters that probably won't matter in five years. Anyway, I'm writing because of a most happy news: I won the lottery for Osaka Marathon 2024! 

& I've confirmed my slot last night. I joined the lottery a day after getting the rejection e-mail from Tokyo Marathon. 

I've also already booked accommodations, and plotted a rough itinerary. Man, I'm going to need around Php 50k++ for this trip. Well, the Universe let me join, & she's gotta give me the resources to make this happen. I've only ever gone out of the country twice, and both times with my family. This will be my first solo trip & race abroad. It won't be the first race I join without any support, but my first self-supported marathon. 

The race is three months from now, & I have adjusted the training plan I used last year for The Bull Runner-Garmin Dream Marathon. Will use the run-walk technique, of course. Will also be watching old Bull Circle videos to refresh my memory. I should write about my first marathon experience!

I'm excited. I want to tell the world, but I feel shy posting it on social media. Maybe I will, I don't know. 

Oh well, 'til next time, non-existent reader. You and I are loved. 

Wishful Thinking

I love them, but I can't help but feel tired of all the responsibilities. I wish I have the freedom to take time off so I can heal from all my traumas, maybe live in isolation for a while, maybe find my mind. 

Happy 14 years of breadwinning, biatch. Don't give up.

Makes me wonder

I wonder who else feels this way. Like something's always wrong; something untoward is always about to happen. There is a slight tightness in my chest and I am overwhelmed by all the things I have to do and I end up doing nothing--the peak of this happened to me more than 10 years ago amd I have been stuck ever since. 

Today I changed my blog's name and url

Started in 2004 with hamburgerizedjunk. I changed it in 2015 to hamburgerized. In 2020 I changed the name to Solitary Spinster, but retained the url. Now I changed both to olagalaw. Maybe I should retain hamburgerizedjunk? I don't know. Might change mind soon. Or not. 

Man, being like this is confusing.

Edit: April 24, 2022, I reverted the url to hamburgerized because that is how I started. Fickle that I am, another change is underway somewhere down the line.

So I told my boss...

...that I am resigning. I thought I was going to burst in tears, but I did not. I would so much like to stay, but I want something else.I need something else. There is so much out there and I've been letting my anxiety hold me back. This is my crossroads and I've already made my choice. I am sad to be leaving, but there is another path I must take. 

Next week, I might do a photowalk inside the campus, which has been my solace for almost three years. 

Kumawala

Sometimes I want to let go of things I have grown accustomed to, but I do not want to deal with the stress :( 

It's been a while

It's been a while since I recovered from covid. But feeling like I am neck deep in misery, there is no escaping it. 

Days 8 & 9

My eighth day of isolation was yesterday. The whole day went by just fine, everything seemed to be looking up despite being short of breath each time I had to get up.


The embroidery project I was working on was halfway done by 4:30, & the book I was reading has gotten more interesting as the sun set. 


At nine o'clock in the evening, however, things took a dark turn. My nose got clogged and I felt a bit sick. The school nurse monitoring me daily advised me to steam, which I did, and it helped me breathe better, and made my skin dewy. A tablet of Benadryl lulled me to sleep. 


Here's a pic of my breakfast for day 8:

That's oatmeal champorado made with Davao tablea.


Anyway, today is my 9th day of isolation. Woke up feeling much better,  but realized that I still suffer from shortness of breath after a little bit of movement. My boyfriend insists it is because I've been lacking exercise these past few months, but as the owner of my body, this feels different.


I read online that shortness of breath is one of covid's after-effects. Such may linger for an indefinite amount of time, but I found no explanation for it. I am just thankful that I did not need to be hospitalized, and I had rhe means to isolate myself. 


Tomorrow is my last day of quarantine and, per the nurse, I can go back to work if I feel well enough to do so. On Monday I plan to get tested, for my own peace of mind. 


Negative thoughts never felt so positive.


Bye-bye, covid, I hope. My fingers remain crossed.

Days 6 & 7

Wasn't able to post for two days because my brain's been acting up forever.

Several weeks ago I bought this sack dress off a nearby ukay-ukay for 30 pesos. 

Sure, it has some holes and dirt, but since I'm only using it for my new project, it doesn't matter. It is even large enough to sew a new sleeveless blouse.

This is what I am working on now:

It's a pattern off the DMC website, but I'm making some changes. 

I learned to sew and embroider in elementary but I didn't really put that skill to use except in emergency cases (torn shorts, blouses, etc). Then, last year, I thought of turning it into a hobby since I can be pretty good with my hands when I realllly want to. So, I bought a cheap kit on Shopee and that kit remained stashed in my closet for half a year until a few days ago.

Anyway, I've been feeling better these past few days and am hoping to test negative soon. I am going to miss staying at home all the time, isolated from everyone, but the road also ends for things that are good. 

Here is my breakfast for today:

And yesterday:

All shall be well, dear nonexistent reader. The sun will keep shining and setting.

You are loved.

Day 5, the old maid's tale

It is only a title, there is no actual tale from this old maid. 

I've resumed reading The Handmaid's Tale & the story is just getting more interesting to me. Hopefully I get to finish it before my quarantine ends, as I binge Cobra Kai on the side. 

Had pork-tomato soup for lunch and dinner (with store-bought kimchi). Also tried Korean honey-citron for the first time. While taste is not an issue, I prefer the good old salabat.

Today's pulse ox data:

The school nurse advised me to practice deep breathing to expand my lungs. Tasting & smelling abilities are back on track as well, about 90%, and my coughing is less. My cough is more productive than my self, tho. 🤷‍♀️

Tomorrow is going to be soooo much better. I am optimistic like that.

Day 4

Things are a bit better today, but I still have the virus. Being in isolation feels familiar and I have to say I missed it. 

But.... I miss my dog, and my family (no pic for privacy!).

I miss my boyfriend, who is in the other room isolating as well.

Here is what I ate for lunch on day 4:

Aside from Berocca, vitamin c with zinc tablets twice a day, lots of water, and fruits, drugs are not a huge part of my journey to the other side of covid.

Until tomorrow, nonexistent reader. I hope you remain thankful. You are loved.

Day 3 Covid

Oh look at that, it's the full moon. 

My third day today. Dry day. Feverish, no fever. Coughing the whole day. Tomorrow is going to be better.

Here are my day 3 selfies

Day 2 of Covid positivity

Tired, but thankful that my symptoms are mild because I have to be strong to look after myself. 

I live with my boyfriend, but for some reason he couldn't PROACTIVELY clean the bathroom, sweep, mop and disinfect the floors, and really take care of me being the sick person I am at the moment. This stresses me out more. Gotta depend on me.

I am a covid-positive puddle of stress today. 

     Here is a selfie of me trying to work on a script earlier this afternoon. Yes, I work hard for the money.

Gotta go cry myself to bed now, while my boyfriend sleeps in the next room--he said he's coming down with a cold.

Hang on, self. Tomorrow's going to be better. 

I got hit by c--id's arrow :(

This morning I learned I'm covid positive. I'm still hoping it was a false positive (will find out tomorrow or the day after). 

At first it felt like an arrow hit me, but 16 hours into it I feel like the frog who didn't know it was being cooked alive. Or something like that.

I'm feeling 20-22

So... I got myself a mountain bike last Dec. 30 and tried it out for the first time on Jan 3. It was exhilarating to say the least. I love my folding bike to bits, but this new bike makes me wish I'd gotten it sooner!

Just realized I have no photo of it yet. It's a pretty decent bike on the lower end of the spectrum, with a frame that's a tad big for me and parts from L's old bike's parts, but I've come to like it. Gets the job done. 

Meanwhile, everything else is the same. I have no resolutions--never really believed in them, no concrete plans except that I've decided to quit my office job this year. I'm going back to writing full time. 

I'm proud of my career as an ADR scriptwriter and I love it. 

Kuya Dino

One of my cousins passed on yesterday. The news is only starting to sink in, but I think 51 is such a young age to die.

He will be missed, no doubt about that, and will always be loved. May he be at peace.

Today's musing

Certain things are better nipped in the bud. 

No, not my resurrecting mint plant.

For one more day

I wonder if I will make it until September because at this moment only the thought of my life ending gives me peace. And I need peace. So much peace.

I am tired, overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, and sorry. Overall miserable.

But death is expensive and my resources are scarce.

Give me strength to hold on for one more day.

Here is me trying so hard to hold on, in my part-time make-believe refuge.

Feeling anxious today

Is it the coffee?

So anxious I want to vomit. I don't know why. I just want to go home and curl up in my bed and not do anything for a week straight. Or a month. Or a year. But of course I cannot afford that.

Maybe after I get my pending deliverables done, I will feel better. Gahd, the stress. The stress is getting too much to bear. 

Photo of the swamp I have to walk through every day. Thank goodness for my mother's boots. 

Feeling sabog, but actually sober. 

Knowing that all of this is going to end someday brings me some peace. I am wishing for more.