Starting the day...

...in tears. 

Been crying more often than usual lately, especially whenever I find myself alone. I feel trapped. I want out. 

No one is going to care for me but myself. Might as well be by myself. 

The question is, how?

Random shiz

The other night I was cleaning out some of boxes and came across an old notebook/journal. My goodness, my younger self's problems made me cry. She was stressed out to the max, depressed AF, broke with no one to turn to, made the wrong decisions, looked down on by her family, prioritized the wrong people, didn't know any better-- she was grasping at straws. She could have used unbiased guidance and unconditional love. At one point, she was so happy to not have to worry about her meal for the day. She got to eat five times that day for free because there was a school-sponsored retreat for graduating students. 

I have already forgotten most of what was written there, but I'd like to think I've come a long way. My life is still meh for the most part, but at least I can afford to feed myself now. 

Kung pangarap ma'y tatanggapin ko

Been crying less these past few weeks except when I watch emotional shiz. ...or I remember/think of stupid stuff 🙄

Been running less, moving less, but eating more. Junk. Disaster.

Been staying in bed hours before actually getting up, but have not been getting enough sleep. 

Been sitting in front of the computer longer, but not getting enough work done.

Been producing substandard scripts. 

Messed up brain, heart not helping. 

Been binge-listening to "I Am the Best," but I'm the worst. 

First of February

I've been reading posts and comments by people on the Internet that January seemed to never end this year. For me, it went by fast! Too fast, tbh. I had loads to do and I was only able to do around half. As a matter of fact, I should be cramming a two scripts right now. 

This February, I plan to start something new. An activity a day, just for this month because I don't want to overwhelm myself. Will start tonight, with a 15-minute workout. Tomorrow, I go for an easy run. The next day, I will be running 32 kms at the 7-11 Run in Manila. Goodness, I need to finish that in five hours or less. All I want to do now is hope, not assume, because you know what happens when I presuppose things. :-|

I want to talk about my upcoming marathon, which is in a few weeks, but I don't want to get too excited because I really am getting stressed out with all these IO horror stories I read on the Internet. Maybe some other time. For now, I will do my best to finish this script I'm working on ASAP. 

Dear nonexistent reader, love is all around. 

It hasn't been raining in Manila...

 ...at hindi ako nilalamig. 

Currently listening to Lola Amour's "Raining in Manila." 

There was a time, long ago, when I stopped listening to any kind of music because every tune reminds me of a boy I used to love (so I thought). I can't believe I let my idea of him take over my life for quite a while. Ugh. Cringe. CRINGE!!!! I sometimes wish I could eternal sunshine that part of my past, but it wouldn't make sense either way. 

Okay, back to work now. It's going to be a long day tomorrow. 

New year, new favorite poem (so far)

 

The line etched into a headstone, between the dates of birth and death

represents each step we take on earth, and every single breath.

For many, it’s just a hyphen, marking time between the years,

but in that little dash is a lifetime of laughter, love and tears.

We each create the legacy our dash will someday represent,

and decide if the life we’re given is truly lived…or merely spent.

Some deem themselves successful if they can spend in large amounts,

but how you spend your only dash is all that really counts.

Time steals our days and hours before we recognize the theft

and we live each day not knowing how much of our dash is left.

Responsibilities of daily life -- the bills, the job, the cash

affect the way we choose to use this important little dash.

Memories in the making are happening now, and happening here.

So take the time to make the time, before they disappear.

This is it. This is the show, with no time to rehearse.

Minutes move only forward -- never, ever in reverse.

So, don’t spend this time in sorrow, or with bitterness and fear.

The future may be uncertain,

but right now, your dash is here.

"The Dash" by Linda Ellis

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Happy 2024, nonexistent reader. The dash is the love you give and receive. 

I want to get something...

 off my chest. 

I'm one of the most inconsistent, unstable, unreliable persons one could ever meet. In all aspects of my life, that is true. I function in streaks, and I wish it weren't that way. Everyday I wake up overwhelmed. Most hours of the day my brain is tired from worrying, overthinking. I'm surprised I've managed to keep my job this long. Thank goodness for people who pity me, who have no better choice than to hire me, who (maybe) still believe in me. I pity my family/friends, though. I bet they wish they had someone else, someone better, for a daughter/sister/friend. 

Gahd, professional help sure sounds heavenly right now. Heaven I can't afford. Very expensive. I wish I still smoked because a stick of menthol sounds lovely right now. But I don't smoke anymore. Also, it's expensive. 

Dear nonexistent reader, I hope we feel better soon. 

Has it been a year?!

Can't believe it's almost been a year since I last wrote. Every day I plan on writing something here, but I let myself get sidetracked by matters that probably won't matter in five years. Anyway, I'm writing because of a most happy news: I won the lottery for Osaka Marathon 2024! 

& I've confirmed my slot last night. I joined the lottery a day after getting the rejection e-mail from Tokyo Marathon. 

I've also already booked accommodations, and plotted a rough itinerary. Man, I'm going to need around Php 50k++ for this trip. Well, the Universe let me join, & she's gotta give me the resources to make this happen. I've only ever gone out of the country twice, and both times with my family. This will be my first solo trip & race abroad. It won't be the first race I join without any support, but my first self-supported marathon. 

The race is three months from now, & I have adjusted the training plan I used last year for The Bull Runner-Garmin Dream Marathon. Will use the run-walk technique, of course. Will also be watching old Bull Circle videos to refresh my memory. I should write about my first marathon experience!

I'm excited. I want to tell the world, but I feel shy posting it on social media. Maybe I will, I don't know. 

Oh well, 'til next time, non-existent reader. You and I are loved. 

Wishful Thinking

I love them, but I can't help but feel tired of all the responsibilities. I wish I have the freedom to take time off so I can heal from all my traumas, maybe live in isolation for a while, maybe find my mind. 

Happy 14 years of breadwinning, biatch. Don't give up.

Makes me wonder

I wonder who else feels this way. Like something's always wrong; something untoward is always about to happen. There is a slight tightness in my chest and I am overwhelmed by all the things I have to do and I end up doing nothing--the peak of this happened to me more than 10 years ago amd I have been stuck ever since. 

Today I changed my blog's name and url

Started in 2004 with hamburgerizedjunk. I changed it in 2015 to hamburgerized. In 2020 I changed the name to Solitary Spinster, but retained the url. Now I changed both to olagalaw. Maybe I should retain hamburgerizedjunk? I don't know. Might change mind soon. Or not. 

Man, being like this is confusing.

Edit: April 24, 2022, I reverted the url to hamburgerized because that is how I started. Fickle that I am, another change is underway somewhere down the line.

So I told my boss...

...that I am resigning. I thought I was going to burst in tears, but I did not. I would so much like to stay, but I want something else.I need something else. There is so much out there and I've been letting my anxiety hold me back. This is my crossroads and I've already made my choice. I am sad to be leaving, but there is another path I must take. 

Next week, I might do a photowalk inside the campus, which has been my solace for almost three years. 

Kumawala

Sometimes I want to let go of things I have grown accustomed to, but I do not want to deal with the stress :( 

It's been a while

It's been a while since I recovered from covid. But feeling like I am neck deep in misery, there is no escaping it. 

Days 8 & 9

My eighth day of isolation was yesterday. The whole day went by just fine, everything seemed to be looking up despite being short of breath each time I had to get up.


The embroidery project I was working on was halfway done by 4:30, & the book I was reading has gotten more interesting as the sun set. 


At nine o'clock in the evening, however, things took a dark turn. My nose got clogged and I felt a bit sick. The school nurse monitoring me daily advised me to steam, which I did, and it helped me breathe better, and made my skin dewy. A tablet of Benadryl lulled me to sleep. 


Here's a pic of my breakfast for day 8:

That's oatmeal champorado made with Davao tablea.


Anyway, today is my 9th day of isolation. Woke up feeling much better,  but realized that I still suffer from shortness of breath after a little bit of movement. My boyfriend insists it is because I've been lacking exercise these past few months, but as the owner of my body, this feels different.


I read online that shortness of breath is one of covid's after-effects. Such may linger for an indefinite amount of time, but I found no explanation for it. I am just thankful that I did not need to be hospitalized, and I had rhe means to isolate myself. 


Tomorrow is my last day of quarantine and, per the nurse, I can go back to work if I feel well enough to do so. On Monday I plan to get tested, for my own peace of mind. 


Negative thoughts never felt so positive.


Bye-bye, covid, I hope. My fingers remain crossed.

Days 6 & 7

Wasn't able to post for two days because my brain's been acting up forever.

Several weeks ago I bought this sack dress off a nearby ukay-ukay for 30 pesos. 

Sure, it has some holes and dirt, but since I'm only using it for my new project, it doesn't matter. It is even large enough to sew a new sleeveless blouse.

This is what I am working on now:

It's a pattern off the DMC website, but I'm making some changes. 

I learned to sew and embroider in elementary but I didn't really put that skill to use except in emergency cases (torn shorts, blouses, etc). Then, last year, I thought of turning it into a hobby since I can be pretty good with my hands when I realllly want to. So, I bought a cheap kit on Shopee and that kit remained stashed in my closet for half a year until a few days ago.

Anyway, I've been feeling better these past few days and am hoping to test negative soon. I am going to miss staying at home all the time, isolated from everyone, but the road also ends for things that are good. 

Here is my breakfast for today:

And yesterday:

All shall be well, dear nonexistent reader. The sun will keep shining and setting.

You are loved.

Day 5, the old maid's tale

It is only a title, there is no actual tale from this old maid. 

I've resumed reading The Handmaid's Tale & the story is just getting more interesting to me. Hopefully I get to finish it before my quarantine ends, as I binge Cobra Kai on the side. 

Had pork-tomato soup for lunch and dinner (with store-bought kimchi). Also tried Korean honey-citron for the first time. While taste is not an issue, I prefer the good old salabat.

Today's pulse ox data:

The school nurse advised me to practice deep breathing to expand my lungs. Tasting & smelling abilities are back on track as well, about 90%, and my coughing is less. My cough is more productive than my self, tho. 🤷‍♀️

Tomorrow is going to be soooo much better. I am optimistic like that.

Day 4

Things are a bit better today, but I still have the virus. Being in isolation feels familiar and I have to say I missed it. 

But.... I miss my dog, and my family (no pic for privacy!).

I miss my boyfriend, who is in the other room isolating as well.

Here is what I ate for lunch on day 4:

Aside from Berocca, vitamin c with zinc tablets twice a day, lots of water, and fruits, drugs are not a huge part of my journey to the other side of covid.

Until tomorrow, nonexistent reader. I hope you remain thankful. You are loved.

Day 3 Covid

Oh look at that, it's the full moon. 

My third day today. Dry day. Feverish, no fever. Coughing the whole day. Tomorrow is going to be better.

Here are my day 3 selfies

Day 2 of Covid positivity

Tired, but thankful that my symptoms are mild because I have to be strong to look after myself. 

I live with my boyfriend, but for some reason he couldn't PROACTIVELY clean the bathroom, sweep, mop and disinfect the floors, and really take care of me being the sick person I am at the moment. This stresses me out more. Gotta depend on me.

I am a covid-positive puddle of stress today. 

     Here is a selfie of me trying to work on a script earlier this afternoon. Yes, I work hard for the money.

Gotta go cry myself to bed now, while my boyfriend sleeps in the next room--he said he's coming down with a cold.

Hang on, self. Tomorrow's going to be better.