Most days I feel hopeless

I had a short streak of productivity and positivity late last week, but, last night, things went back to normal. Bleak normal. 

Let me tell you what I feel & think of on a normal day, which is on most days. I wish I had enough money so I can afford to die. The thought of death and what comes after, if there ever is anything after, gives me peace: all this misery will end. When I die, I will never be anxious or tired of being anxious anymore. When I die, people around me will have a better life: my mom won't have to clean up after me anymore; my sister will have a better sibling to look up to--my brother; my brother might hate me less for ruining his life (I read it in one of his notebooks several years ago); my boyfriend can find someone better than me--probably pursue the girl/s he still feels for (I read in his notebook that he still feels pagnanasa over other girls even when he already has me so what does that tell ya). 

When I die, I can finally stop being embarrassed of all the cringey life decisions I've made. I won't have to struggle to live through each day anymore. I am tired. I am father. Effing. Tired. 

Too bad I can't afford to die. It's costly and stressful for those I'll leave behind. Right now, the only things making me feel like life is still worth living is my dog, Octavio, and my scripting job. And the thought of my mom blaming herself if I end up dying by taking my own life. 

See, this is why I can never be a writer. 

That's all for today, I guess. I can't wait to sleep

Madaling araw grind

It's 3:28 and I am at work. I have been a freelance ADR scriptwriter since 2012 and I think it is the best job I have ever had. I want to keep doing this until I'm old and gray, and a lifetime is not enough to thank Claude D., a colleague in PDC, for getting me into this industry. 

In the picture is my snack, four toasted mini-mamons soaked in Swiss Miss chocolate drink. It's sweet AF. 

Oooohkay, back to scripting now. Later, nonexistent reader! 

Remember, you are loved. ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

Tiring day

Started my day with a walk under cloudy skies. Went to the market to buy suman, kutsinta, pet food, sili & talong seedlings, and other small stuff. It was peaceful. I like that I am with someone who loves me (and whom I love), but I missed having time alone. Maybe because I was used to being by myself for so long. 

When I got home, I prepared brealfast, did some office work, repotted my newly-bought seedlings, repurposed a couple of 5-gallon containers for my balcony garden, and fixed some things. This afternoon I plan to do some laundry, work on crafts, and get started my script, which is due tomorrow. Good luck with that. 

I hope I get the inspiration to run tomorrow. 

Last night's pink moon gazing

1016a - Last night I spent a short while to gaze at the full moon. Acoording to Google this month's is a Pink Moon, named after a flowering plant. The weather was nice, but there were mosquitoes so I couldn't stay long. I wish I did, though. What's a little sacrifice? 

The moon, when I took a photo of it, appeared blurry. Blurry is the theme of my life. 

Anyway, I have been having second thoughts about something lately. Do I let this drag on, or do I rip the band-aid now? People will get hurt either way. 

Maybe when I die I will finally get the peace I have been chasing all along.

Afternoon Sessions 1

The Covid-19 situation in the Philippines has gotten worse since last I wrote. Other countries have managed it way better. Meanwhile, I still have my jobs. I am thankful, but mostly exhausted. 

This afternoon, I am cleaning out some old books to sell at a bargain. I hope they all get sold. I need funds. 

Here is a picture of my dog, Octavio, keeping me company.

The Covid19 situation is slowly getting the best of me

 ...and I feel helpless. 

My life is generally neither pitiful nor worse than others' but I feel tired, battered, drained and without hope. I feel like my 2017 cloud is descending on me again, fogging everything in sight. This is not the kind of fog I like or want. I would not wish it on anyone. 

Meanwhile, I usually tell myself I'm surprised I even got this far, but it's not actually surprising given the state of my bank accounts. 

It is easy to say "I accept," but, as it is, it is hard to do. 

I was reading my old journal entries and it turns out that on December 4, 2009 I wrote "Someday, everyone I love will seem like strange passers by."

On the other hand, there is hope. There is faith. And there is love. 

Dear Self, tomorrow will be better. 

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Listening to this song.

COVID-19 COMMUNITY QUARANTINE SERIES - Part 1

This is the first of CCQS-related entries. As we all may have heard/read, most of the Philippines is now in a state of calamity due to the effects of the new coronavirus disease 2019 (covid-19) that started to spread in January 2020. It's been a week since our community quarantine started and things have only gotten worse since then. In the coming days until the quarantine gets lifted, I will post some highlights and random musings from my days locked up at home. I don't feel too comfortable posting on Facebook or Instagram so I'm posting everything here, where I feel freer. For that, thank you, Blogger.

I am cramming a script right now--thankful that I'm still getting one or two scripts a month from 20Plus--so I might post something after I submit it to the very patient & ever-reliable Dubbing Supervisor, Dain.

Dear reader, wherever you are, whoever you are, what ever you may be going through at this time, thank you for stumbling into my blog. Please know that I pray for you & wish you all the goodness you deserve.

You are loved.

A month shy of five and thirty

I honestly didn't think I'd make it this far. There must be a reason why I'm still here. It must be the exercise or the b-complex tablets I've been taking, but I am happy.

My first time to buy from Book Depository

I don't know, maybe it is meant to be. While procrastinating at work, I opened my email & saw one from PayPal**.  After reading it, I decided to try and link one of my bank accounts (my payroll account from work) and, to my surprise, it came through--I've tried linking a BDO debit account to PayPal before but it wouldn't work. Anyway, the next unread email was a promotional one from Book Depository and I thought, "Hey, why don't I try buying a book there using PayPal?" I tried buying there some time ago using my BDO Visa Debit card but it wouldn't come through so I wasn't really banking on this one. Again, to my surprise, my payment (via PayPal) was accepted! I am now waiting for a UK bookstore to ship my book after 3-5 working days. According to the BD site, I'm supposed to receive the book in 7-10 days. I've already gotten a confirmation e-mail from BD. I will edit this as I get more updates.

By the way, the book I bought was "Finding Gobi" by Dion Leonard. It's priced at $9.55 but BD has an ongoing promo for PH buyers so I got it for $8.59 instead. :) Since I read about them in the news a few years ago, I was hooked on their story. I followed every post from Dion--when he met this stray dog who just ran with him during an ultra-marathon, when he decided to bring Gobi to his home in Europe, when Gobi went missing, etc. When this book came out I was excited to get a hold of it but I couldn't find it in local bookstores so I would just keep browsing its page on BD, Amazon & Goodreads to get my fix. I also follow them on Instagram @findiggobi

I have to get back to work now or I'm dead. My deadline is today and I haven't done anything significant.

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

**I opened a PayPal account many years ago when I still had a credit card and when I lost that card to loans, I didn't use the account anymore. Not that I was able to use it for anything. It was just...there.

UPDATES!!

September 19, 2019 - I received another e-mail from BD that they have shipped my book & I'm supposed to receive it in 7-10 days.

Change is coming

It has been a month since I last wrote & quite a lot has happened. I've landed myself an 8-5 job in a state university nearby, but I still need to keep my freelancing job to make ends meet. I will be starting on Monday. What am I gonna wear?

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Loads to do!

On Saturday, I'm either hiking in Tarak or going to the beach (if it rains). With L, of course.

Gotta sleep now, must wake up in a few hours. I hope I wake up, and on time.

Dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Glitch

I feel like shutting down. I'm stressed with one of my projects at work. I never seem to get it done right. A few weeks ago, I was rebuked (in our group chat) for my glaring mistakes. So I did what I could to make it right, but it was a bit too much, apparently. Looks like I overcompensated because, yesterday, I got reprimanded again. This time, for over-correcting. I hope the next script I do will be better. Just right. Oh well.

I feel like crying these past few days. I'm so inefficient at anything. I have to fight this because my death would cost so much money. How I wish I could just disappear from this world without having to bother anyone. :( The thought of dying and leaving all this stress behind gives me peace. Yes, I want to make my mom proud, but my siblings can do that better and I'm not even bothered. Apart from dying, the outdoors and the possibility of travel gives me peace.

L & I are going camping this week, but I don't think I'm really up for it. I want to see him, but, at this point, I'd rather stay home, disconnected from anything and anyone, and sleep for 14 hours straight. God give me strength.

I've never been more stressed

I'm currently working on a Korean magic show, translating it into Tagalog & synching the lines for dubbing. Man, this is something else. It makes working on an Argentinian teen series feel like a walk in the park. I have never been more stressed out!

Self, please. NEVER accept another Magic Control script ever again! It's for your own sanity.

Almost year-end

I went out for a 5k run yesterday afternoon, after so long. I've almost forgotten how exhilarating it felt. I missed my heart racing. I missed the wind on my face. I missed the heat and the high I feel after.

My final interview for this job I'm applying for is on the 31st and I'm kind of anxious. I hope I get it, I do hope their promise of a high salary and good benefits are real, I hope it really isn't stressful. Is this what the Universe wants for me?

Meanwhile, my brother has officially moved into his new condo & will be starting in his new work in February. I feel inspired to follow suit. I have to keep this up.

Three days before I get to see L again.

Sometimes it seems as if the easiest way out is a shot to the head, but my heart wants to keep beating even when it's all thorns and sharp blades all around.

Makes me wonder what tomorrow brings.

Que sera, sera.

Amen.

Dear self, dear nonexistent reader, you are loved.

Before next year

In two weeks it's going to be 2019. It's been two weeks since I last wrote & here I am cramming a script for the nth time.

Hoping for a pleasant plot twist before the year ends.

In love ❤

...but I am yet to tell the person.

Last month of the year

Woman, time flew by so fast!

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote:
- crammed several scripts, juggled different projects
- gone on several dates (with L)
- camped in Tarak Ridge twice (both with L)
- tried trail running for the first time (in Talamitam, with L)
- hung out in Tagaytay (again, with L)
- after five long years... (with L!)
- managed to run 18k--the longest distance I've run SO FAR

I'm actually trying to cram a script right now but here I am. Priorities, priorities.

Will write again after I get this done. Agh!

No matter how inefficient you think you may be, you are loved.

I miss dirt

I find the outdoors addictive and I don't know why.

Unfortunately, I can't always afford to go hiking so I just console myself with jogging somewhere near our apartment. It's pretty outdoorsy--there's breeze, a little dirt path, trees. In fact, I'm going out for a 7k run in a while. This is part of my training for 21k in November.

I miss my earphones.

In other news, I've been crying again. No worries, self, you'll get through this.

You are loved.

Will I ever learn?

No.

I said the Universe gave me the best distraction in the form of this certain new friend I met last June, right? I think the so called friendship has run its course. I am not in it for romantic shiz but why did I let myself overindulge? For years I have successfully avoided getting this close to anyone and, yes, I was lonely, but I was not stressed. I didn't feel rejected, left behind. Now it feels like 2015 all over again. It sucks that I most likely have been used as an ego boost again, someone to fill the void of boredom. I hope this person does not tell anyone about our conversations. I feel like I want to eternal sunshine this whole part of my year.

Listening to "15 Step" by Radiohead.

You'll feel better, self. You are loved.

I should be cramming now

I haven't really been busy since I got back from Visayas last June. Somehow, my contacts gradually ceased giving me projects. Of late, I've only been working on a script a week & it kills me! I work better when packed. I'm supposed to have submitted this script yesterday but I'm not even halfway til now. So good luck, self.

It's a long shot that any of my real-life friends will read this, but sorry for saying I've been busy these past few months. I miss all of them, yes, but I just...don't feel ready for face-to-face human interaction. I don't want to spread my negative vibes. I've been fighting sad thoughts again.

The clock reads 10:42 am and I should be working. Oops, this new friend I've been chatting with every single day since June just texted & I am going to reply now because, whether I like it or not, talking to him helps keep me sane. Universe, thank you for sending this new friend my way.

Why do I feel this way?

It's been raining for weeks where I live. Been talking to some friends online and I think it's helping. But tonight I feel like I'm just floating on a dark steady stream and there is no end in sight. Where is my life going? Am I going to die soon? Do I need to get a new job?

Last night, I was talking to a fairly new friend and discovered we both seriously considered taking our own lives in the past. I felt sorry for this friend, the bullying he went through, but happy that he chose to live. Can I say the same for myself? I don't know, maybe, but for a while I didn't feel alone.

Today's been blah. I woke up after lunch, replied to some messages, then fell asleep again, and woke up in the evening. Had dinner, talked to some friends, and now I'm here.

I have to get a script done tomorrow. I'm not in the mood to work.

Currently listening to "Tugtog" by Bullet Dumas, John Apura & Yuna Reguerra.

Salamat

I had a semi-good cry this afternoon. It wasn't sad or anything, but somebody said something that I found so beautiful it moved me to tears.

I asked someone to tell me something I didn't know. The reply I got had me crying for ten minutes. I wish I could write it here, but I made a promise to keep it a secret. I think, however, that it wouldn't hurt to say it had to do with being thankful.

Thankful, that should be me.