i am going to mindoro on June 1!!

and i can't wait.

can't wait.

can't wait.

i want so badly to smoke. i got my own pack, my own lighter..all i need is a place to fucking smoke.

i can't wait to graduate, get a decent job, several rakets and lots of money so i'll be able to buy and maintain a car (or cars), build and maintain a home for my family, rent or buy and maintain my own place, get a pet or pets, and..the gods might want to sprinkle my life with romance too..

i'm so corny.

bye, creature of the deep!

i feel anxious about anything.

i feel paranoid about everything.

i feel hated by everybody.

i feel utterly useless and lazy.

i feel unwanted.

i feel i'm not taken seriously.

i feel i'm exaggerating things.

i feel fat (fine).

i feel like smoking again--after i quit a few days ago.

i feel like there's always something wrong with me.

i feel like crying after work.

i feel like...plain shit.

i 'm loving umberto eco at the moment.

i can't help it. i love him so much even before i read him.

i must've been that "Medium Placed Person, who doesn't have to be bribed, [...] at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles who risked a dangerous favor for his/her favorite columnist [Eco]" in my past life.

impossible. that incident happened only in 1988.

sigh.

sharing a snip of one of my early May nights:

the bar's stage was only three steps from where we were. and an obscure rock band was playing covered songs i did not know. me and my vague-attempt-of-a-hero companion had to shout in each other's ears to communicate. i couldn't even remember having understood any of his questions like i do not remember myself understanding anything he had said except, "dito ka na lang, wag ka na umalis.."

yun muna, :-p

I missed posting.

I have a lot to write, I can't think of a good intro. So I end up not writing anything.

I just fucking missed posting.

**why do i fuck too much these days?**

sigh.

oh. my. G.

I'VE CHANGED

I bought a stick of yosi just a few minutes ago and ended up throwing it on the sidewalk before I could even smoke half of it. I never imagined myself not finishing a single stick of cigarette. Well I did and I felt alarmed.

BUT

This isn't the only time I felt alarmed these past few days. Last night, instead of waiting for my only favorite telenovela (uh, Maging Sino Ka Man), I crawled under the covers and slept unconscientiously. Without putting an alarm on my cellphone for the next day.

Then this morning, I woke and got up WITHOUT an alarm. on time. Imagine that. On FUCKING time.

IT'S OKAY

Now I wonder if I'm just being paranoid or plain exaggerated or if I was just too plainly stupid to realize changes in myself. I do not know.

I'm confused, I'm a little (well, a lot) on the emotional side right now. I haven't figured out why just yet. Well I guess I do not really want to figure it out at this point. I don't want to figure it out ever.

I guess I could as well leave it at that and let it pass. I know I'll wake up normal again. perhaps tomorrow, or maybe later--in the middle of the night.

I THINK I'M FINE, ANYWAY

ooh..i missed blogging.

happy new year!!

ok, too much for pathetic musings

masayang bagong taon sa lahat!

angsaya palang magkaron ng variety of friends no.

grabe.

ganito ko c-in-elebrate ang pasko ko:
-nagising at nagbalot ng regalo para sa mga utol ko
-nag-entertain ng mga bisita (mga bisitang di usually tinatanggap sa ibang household dahil sila ay: maingay, madungis, at magulo--not to mention may matinding b.o ung iba)
-un lang maghapon.

after ng pasko, inampon kami ng mga kamag-anak ko, at nagpunta sa e.k.
ansaya din nun!!

ganito ko naman c-in-elebrate ang new year ko:
-dec.30 andun nkme ng nanay at kapatid ko sa bahay ng auntie ko.
-dec.31 ng umaga: we went to church. but as soon as i stepped out the car, naipit ung right middle finger ko sa pinto--yun, ansakit, ouch, muntik akong magcollapse.
-dec.31 ng hapon: i had my hair cut shorter and dyed it red. astig.
-n.y.'s eve: i was at raja sulayman roaming around, taking pictures, orange-izing costumes, smoking, laughing, and finally watching fireworks while getting used to a lot of people looking at me. i don't know, perhaps they were mesmerized by my beauty. oo makapal ako. at ayos lang, masaya maging makapal.
-jan.1 mula 2am til dawn, i was with my new year buddies. we ate, walked, smoked, laughed, and talked.
-jan.1 ng hapon: unang beses kong magpamasahe. masakit sya at may part na nakakairita pero, stoic me, i was happy about it.
-jan.2: nagpuntang mall, nanuod ng sine lahat ng kasama ako pero mas pinili kong mag-booksale at mag-arcade mag-isa.masaya naman e. tapos, umuwi na kaming lahat sa bahay.

yun ang pasko ko: modest, at punung-punong grasya.
yun ang new year ko: patay ang kuko ko, pula ang buhok ko, at nagkaron ako ng bagong friends.
at bagong lakas ng loob.

yun lang. so far masaya naman. sa tuesday kelangan ko ng kulayan ang pulang buhok ko-turned-orangey-copper into dark brown kase pasukan na at bawal ito sa school. u know, model student. hehe

happy new year, to myself, and everyone.

fine. i've been stupid. i've been blinded by the seemingly wonderful idea of having a boyfriend. well, i discovered that i was not ready to have one yet.

i still am not ready.

but i realized something. i was never in love with this person who dumped me. i was in love with the idea of having a you-know-what. akala ko tuloy mahal ko na rin sya.

di pala.

eto yun e:
i could not accept the fact that i have actually been dumped. (it's just an ego thing, really. lagi kasi'ng ako.)
i trusted too much, too easily.
i did not prolong my mystery...or maybe i was just tooooo mysterious that this person gave up.
he did not really like me.

oh well, masaya naman ako ngayon, may oras na ulit ako sa trabaho ko kung saan i'm sure that they need me.

sige, bye-bye! :-)

now i realize i was so scared of being rejected i ended up rejecting myself.

i got dumped today. at brunch.

ive been single (and contented) for years until last month.

my life has changed since then.

oh, no. my life has not stopped changing since then--which is good, i think.

what happened at brunch was another change.

i was starting to fall in love with this person.

and i was about to tell him so.

but this person dumped me in a very unique manner.

that we have to evaluate our situation
that everything happened so fast
that this person felt pressured
that we did not have a solid foundation for a relationship yet
that it came at the wrong time--i came at the wrong time?
that we should start clean
that we should be friends
and not put hopes on it

and much more i could not remember right now.

i was not able to say anymore what i had to say.

i would have agreed with him--because i felt the same way too though not completely--if he had said that a month ago.

but a month ago he told me
that he loved me
that he was ready to have me as his girl
that he and i will have to make our relationship work
and things like that

but i agreed with him anyway because i felt that he was serious in what he was saying.

whatever happened to what i wanted to say?

i just said it to myself

after a few hours

in a female washroom cubicle

i cut my hair last saturday. i like how i look now but i still feel terribly maladjusted to not ponytail-ing it all the time and having to comb it more than a dozen times a half-day. see, i used to survive not combing my hair for weeks and nobody even notices--pati ako!

well, a lot of people say i look prettier and younger now. [yiheee]

in fact, i do feel prettier now.

maybe it's everything around me. everything's just so overwhelming and glorifying.

even if i get sad/mad/angry/disgusted/disappointed at times, i am happy.

i like my new hair even if it's not stereotypically perfect.

it took me years to realize and accept: a head with a shitake-mushroom-shaped shadow under the sun/moon/any form of light doesn't look that bad at all.

i am thankful that someone thinks i am beautiful.

after two years, i have decided to redeem my blog--which i made out of sheer intoxication/childishness/quasi-loneliness/quasi-stupidity and, ugh, terrible, terrible grammar.
..it's plain [eew].

buhay basura

nawawala ang mga basurahan dito sa letran. kailangang kailangan ko pa naman ng basurahan ngayon dahil marami akong itatapon. badtrip. sige,