Self hug

Dear Self,
You are not a failure. Success is around the bend, and, since life only has long avenues for you, you have to keep walking.
Walk briskly, as briskly as you can, if you must, but do not run. Running poses a higher chance of  stumbling* and bruising yourself badly--you might fracture a bone or something, and we cannot afford that. Plus, you know how you palpitate and nearly faint when you force yourself to run.
Keep a steady pace and do not stop. Walk slowly, if you must, but do not stop. You have stopped in your tracks before and look where it got you.
If you must stop to smell the flowers, as they say, do so, but do not get stuck in smelling them all day. You will also have to find a way to plant your own flowers while walking, so other walkers may stop and smell them too. Anyway there will always be flowers wherever you go, they may not just be as colorful and redolent as other flowers in other places.
And always remember that I love you.
XO, Self

*because you know how you can stumble just by merely standing up, and you've had enough stumbling for a lifetime.

Random musing on double mastectomy

So. I just found out today that Angelina Jolie has undergone double mastectomy because she is at risk for having breast cancer. In her NYT open letter Tuesday, Jolie encouraged girls to, well, not exactly, but more or less realize that 'an ounce of prevention is better than a pound (or any insane amount) of cure.'

Last year, my doctor found some small lumps in my left breast and advised me to undergo a breast ultrasound, and so I did. It turned out I had several minuscule lumps in both breasts--oh, my small boobs, I never thought they had it in them! The ultrasound doctor told me to have another one done after six months so they'll see what happens to the lumps, whether they progress or stay the same. If they progress, that is if they increase in size and volume, I definitely have something to worry about. Otherwise, I can go on with my peaceful life and just stay healthy.

Due to lack of financial resources--actually, I had money. I just could not afford to spend them on me, because I had bigger responsibilities to shoulder: brother's college education & expenses, bills, loans, etc.--I was not able to go back to the hospital for another ultrasound. But looking back, I think I should have tightened my belt WAY more and had the damn test done.

Now, I am 28 and I am not getting any younger. My former office mate's sister--God rest her soul--had cancer when she was 24 and died when she was 27. Gosh. Only god knows what could happen to me.

Two months ago, an aunt of mine was diagnosed of stage 1 cancer and had her right breast removed. Her family said that my aunt is now cancer-free, but since the cancer cells in her body are active, the doctor advised her to undergo chemotherapy to prevent it. I do not know if that exactly is the case as I did not want to pry too much, but as of this writing, my aunt has undergone a chemo session and has lost some of her hair. Well, I was told her kids bought her several wigs to mask the baldness. Anyway, I should see her soon. I miss her, but....so much for that.

By the way, I really need to raise funds for my breast ultrasound.

Agh. back to work.

BUT before I go back to work, let me just say that I am, uh, well, flat-chested and a double mastectomy--or any kind of mastectomy--is guaranteed to make me flatter-chested than before. Oh well.

Now I'm really going back to work.

There are so many things I want to just let go right now so I can feel lighter. I wish. I wish.

sad time

I'm deleting my Multiply site soon. I do not feel like maintaining it anymore. I want to delete my Facebook account as well, but since it's the only connection i have with some important people in my life (friends from elementary, long-time friends i rarely see, relatives who hate me, etc.), I can't bring myself to erase it. Maybe i should just screen my friends list. Maybe i am going to delete some profiles in my list. Profiles that bring bad vibes. Profiles that bring so many happy memories they make me sad.

Fail

I would like to think that I am not a failure.

Buckets of lists

I do not have a single bucket list of things I want to do before I die, or at least before I get all bedridden and senile with old age--if I live to be old. Instead, I have several buckets of lists here and there, written on different notebooks, pages of [my] books, personal journals, back of receipts, doodled on cards, typed in my cell phone, etc. One day soon, I'll gather all those and post them here as one long entry, just because.

It would be lovely to be able to cross everything out of that list, but that depends.

Now going back to work.

Musing on Holy Week

There are some (...actually, a LOT of) things I wish I didn't do. Everyone makes mistakes, yes, but mine have put a strain on important relationships :-( I wish I can still somehow make things right again.

Thankful!

I have a lot to be thankful for. 

I have just re-started freelancing and, though I am not yet making steady money, I am happy. I love what I do it scares the daylights out of me. But I am thankful. 

Soon, I will start investing for my retirement. I do not want to work my ass off until I'm 60 (or even 50) and go on living from paycheck to paycheck. I have less than 25 years to make that happen. If there are other less strenuous options to being wealthy, as I am sure there are, I'll give them a shot. 

I do not want to be a slave anymore and I have taken my first baby steps out of slavery. It is not easy, but I know I'll manage. I can do this!

Oh and one of my other plans is to start blogging seriously and sensibly. 

My life has undergone A LOT of changes since I last wrote. I am not in L***** anymore. I quit A****, too. I do not live in I********* anymore. I weigh 1** lbs no longer. :)


I let go of a steady life to follow my dreams. I have a new job now as a writer for A**. My dream is to secure a job in S***** M****. Unfortunately, all my applications have not been considered--as I think, because I have never gotten a single call since I started sending applications in February. Oh well, maybe I do not really want to work there. I can't work in a super structured company who dwell on physical appearances and material things alone. Anyway, maybe I'll get considered, one day, someday. 


My current job lets me work at home, at my most convenient time, which is at night. I love my new job. Fine, I miss my former colleagues in L***** and I kind of miss wearing uniforms, but apart from those, wala na. I do not miss A**** AT ALL. Not one bit. Well, maybe except for my batch mates, who I still get to see once in a great while. I miss having loads of money in my pocket, but I do not miss being overworked with stuff that I drag myself every single motherF-ing day to do. As Meryl Streep, as Donna, in Mamma Mia said in a totally different context, "I'm just...glad that whole part of my life is over!"


Going back to work now. I need to finish five more articles before 2:30 a.m.

Life is a strange hodgepodge of a lot of things

God is strange. And he makes use of strange ways to direct our lives, my life at least.

Who would've thought I'd ever get over someone I was deliriously crazy about for almost a decade? Man, WAS he in my system.

I swam through (well, think I drowned in) an ocean of emotions during those years (2002-2010). OCEAN I do not even want to ttalk about now, because there is not enough time to talk about it. How does one start to talk about an ocean of something? I do not wanna be spending so much time on the past. Maybe someday I will be able to revisit whatever was there in that ocean, but not now. I'd like to think I am happy now.

I do not want to fall again into my own solitary trap of feeling comfortable with being pushed aside, being unwanted.

I was stoic at all the SEEMINGLY wrong times and I do not want that anymore.

Bye!

Let bygones be bygones. :)

Hello, nonexistent reader!

How are you? it's been almost a year since I last wrote here. Nothing much has changed, really. I pretty much feel the same, look the same. I have an alternate blog I write in when internet connection's down. It's in my computer. Just a small house of random thoughts. Maybe one day I will post it here as one loooong entry. Maybe I won't.

From my house of random thoughts

I feel like crap.  I always say that I want to go home.  I do not even know where home is anymore.  Do I want to go home to my cramped and stinky dorm?  Do I want to go home in the province where my mom will bombard me with stories of other people’s problems?  I dunno.  Right now, home is where peace is.  On the other hand, Ate Karen’s condo kind of feels like where I want to be right now.  I do not know where to go.  Maybe some place where I can cry without being judged..  I feel like crying right now and I am not exactly sure why. My hair looks bad, I have  a ginormous pimple on my left cheek, I feel bloated, I gained weight, and I want to go home!  Bad hair day.  I want to buy books.  I want to go shopping.  I want to exercise because I read in an internet article that exercise helps the body secrete these hormones which make you feel less sad.  I wanna perspire my sadness out of me. L

I want to go home.  Badly.  I think my eyes hurt. I want to go home!!! 

i feel sick

I feel tired. I feel sad. I get headaches almost everyday that they've become dull pains already.

I can't help crying over petty thoughts most of the time. I feel empty and alone most of the time. For all I know I may be depresed, which cannot be. I cannot be depresed.

Most of the time I feel bored and uninterested, even in work. Sometimes even with my own friends. Worse, with my family. I just want to sleep all day. Sometimes I just want to lie down and think. Sometimes I just want to lurk alone in some place. I want to get away. Maybe I need a vacation.

I want to go to the beach alone. Watch the waves alone. Eat alone. Sun bathe alone. Travel alone. I know I am not going to commit suicide anyway, no matter how sad I might become.

Here is where I want to go right now:

La Luz Beach Resort, batangas. I wish I could go with someone to cut back on expenses but I want to be alone.

before i leave for my medical exam

i'm having my medical exam today. i was supposed to have gotten through it by now but because my bed decided to be extra magnetic today, i was not able to get up early and on time.

anyway. i need my medical exam so the company i applied at will know if i am fit to work. i hope the results turn out good (especially now that i know that i'm negative of any drug trace, haha). i pray that my lungs don't have spots, my urine is clear and uninfected, my blood is normal, and things i'm not really familiar with but i hope they all turn out gooooooooooood.

as a loved one said in a relatively different context, this is 'for our sake' so it has to freaking turn out good.

i'm just finishing my lunch now (a pasta dish that i concocted the day before yesterday) and it damn tastes good. perhaps i should just forget my wild dreams of writing and being published so i can become a world-class chef, eh? nah. i'll continue to be a slave to the pen even if it hates me so much. i'm just happy i can cook a little now.

i am utterly annoyed at myself

so i took time evaluating my stupid blog days ago and i can say i am right a bout one thing--and more. specifically, yes, it IS stupid. more so, pathetic.

this is supposed to help me hone my nonexistent writing skills but as i examined each entry i had posted, turns out that about a third of my whole blog shit is composed of online personality (et. al.) tests results. four-fifths of my entries are written in tagalog and/or taglish. much of what i have written consist of my rants, raves, and sheer helplessness. ..but hey. i'm actually using math. hehe. fake, trying hard math, though. but still, math.

maybe this is a start. i could be a mathematician someday. then i should write more and evaluate what i write more. good, good, good.

here's a list of what i plan on writing about:

• love
• my dad
• my relatives
• my officemates
• my self
• my friends
• my theatre group
• tita naty
• my favorite place in the world
• things that are never forgranted
• my friends' quirky interests
• other people's wild preoccupation with other people's lives
• our good gvernment and its good governance over its people
• heaven
• my religion

ambitious. i hope i can even start writing my day-to-day shit in straight english (my grammar is crooked, i know and i'm a little embarrassed about it but i'm really trying to improve).

good thing pala i got annoyed. annoyance brings pleasant discoveries. ^_^

can't believe it. ows? di nga?

What's Your Dark Side?

My Result: Going Too Far

From swinging to dangerous heights on the jungle gym to buying that pricey sweater in every color, the one thing you can be depended on to do is, well, too much. It may not work out perfectly all the time, but you're the one who will try your hardest to go the farthest, and that's usually what it takes to get ahead. And we love it! After all, nobody ever changed the world by playing it safe.

Sure you take it easy sometimes, since you can't live life on the edge all the time. Still, everyone appreciates your grand gestures and big passions, and they can't wait to see what you're going to do next. Way to keep everyone guessing!

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=darksideogt&c=50652

dahil gusto kong may tina-type para di mapagbintangang walang ginagawa

at dahil..

..nako-corny-han akong mag-blog tungkol sa sarili ko

..hindi ako tiwala sa grammar ko

..wala akong ginagawa [sa ngayon] sa office

..frustrated ako sa ilang bagay

..libre ang internet use

..gusto kong kumain kaso malapit na ang lunch break so mamaya na lang

..sa maraming bagay pang nag-bo-bother sa'ken ngayon

hindi pa ko nagtatrabaho officially (as in with the appointment papers & moa, uniform, etc.) but i feel that i'm staring to feel what i hate to admit that i know i will feel SOON. ...I miss being a student.

and i miss my life's non-complexities. i wish i could go back in time when i didn't have to worry about awful things. (sigh)

i feel terribly miserable. it's cold but my miserable little self is craving for vanilla ice cream.

JB's Letter to Celine.(pucha. ang jologs ko ba? naiyak ako nung nabasa ko 'to kase masugid na taga-subaybay ako ng telenovela-ng to. at. hindi ko napanood ang part na ito.)

My Dear Celine,

One day, I will disappear completely. The letters will mean nothing. The world will get tired of me. You will get tired of me. I will get tired of myself, and I...and I will never get tired of you. For you… there will be NO endings. I will say your name over and over like a refrain. My prayer to no one. Then I'll be a flower, the one you'll never pick and will endure the breathless waiting until boundaries disappear.

With nothing to do, I make new constellations images of you as I remember. Dancing, sitting, walking. There are stars from a different view, but still I see nothing but you. Unfurling like a flower, swiveling like a leaf, I once watched you sleep beside me. It was dark then, but the darkness is deeper now. Tonight in my dreams I will see you, my lady, clothed only in light.

Like a kite, I've given myself up to the wind. I made friends with the sun. Confuse the birds with strange and distant voyages, but it is you that ties the thread and holds me down. Like a kite, I will forver hold your hand and with a burning human longing in your hands, I surrender.

Celine reading "I will never get tired of you..."
JB: For you there will be NO endings.
Celine reading "I will say your name over and over…"
JB: celine...celine...like a refrain a prayer to no one.
Celine reading "you know i will never get far and there is no need for my return.
JB: only travelers leave. I've never been a traveler. For I have never left. I am lost, simply wanting to be in a place that i've never been and will never be. Of all destinations I long to be lost in the fields of your hair. Lost among your thoughts as you are already in mine.
Celine reading, "You are my will to live."
JB: My life started when I loved you and that's how I want it to end.

Yours Forever,
JB

i am a ninja

Are You a Pirate or a Ninja?

My Result: Ninja

Hee-yah! Strong, silent, deadly — that's you! You do your best work under cover of darkness. Kicking butt and taking names on the night shift? Staying up 'til dawn killing time on the internet? Cutting off heads and flipping out all the time? Maybe not. But whatever, no matter what, you're always ready for action. You let your actions speak for themselves, and what they're saying is usually pretty killer.

It's easy to picture you hiding in the trees for hours at a time, flying through the air to uppercut the bad guy, or maybe just stealthily replacing the toilet paper when it runs out. You're that kind of awesome. People look up to you — sometimes literally — because you're so cool (by cool, we mean totally sweet) and always the life of the party, especially with those skin-tight pants and deadly dance moves.

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=pirateorninjaogt&c=50652