i am going to mindoro on June 1!!

and i can't wait.

can't wait.

can't wait.

i want so badly to smoke. i got my own pack, my own lighter..all i need is a place to fucking smoke.

i can't wait to graduate, get a decent job, several rakets and lots of money so i'll be able to buy and maintain a car (or cars), build and maintain a home for my family, rent or buy and maintain my own place, get a pet or pets, and..the gods might want to sprinkle my life with romance too..

i'm so corny.

bye, creature of the deep!

i feel anxious about anything.

i feel paranoid about everything.

i feel hated by everybody.

i feel utterly useless and lazy.

i feel unwanted.

i feel i'm not taken seriously.

i feel i'm exaggerating things.

i feel fat (fine).

i feel like smoking again--after i quit a few days ago.

i feel like there's always something wrong with me.

i feel like crying after work.

i feel like...plain shit.

i 'm loving umberto eco at the moment.

i can't help it. i love him so much even before i read him.

i must've been that "Medium Placed Person, who doesn't have to be bribed, [...] at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles who risked a dangerous favor for his/her favorite columnist [Eco]" in my past life.

impossible. that incident happened only in 1988.

sigh.

sharing a snip of one of my early May nights:

the bar's stage was only three steps from where we were. and an obscure rock band was playing covered songs i did not know. me and my vague-attempt-of-a-hero companion had to shout in each other's ears to communicate. i couldn't even remember having understood any of his questions like i do not remember myself understanding anything he had said except, "dito ka na lang, wag ka na umalis.."

yun muna, :-p

I missed posting.

I have a lot to write, I can't think of a good intro. So I end up not writing anything.

I just fucking missed posting.

**why do i fuck too much these days?**

sigh.

oh. my. G.

I'VE CHANGED

I bought a stick of yosi just a few minutes ago and ended up throwing it on the sidewalk before I could even smoke half of it. I never imagined myself not finishing a single stick of cigarette. Well I did and I felt alarmed.

BUT

This isn't the only time I felt alarmed these past few days. Last night, instead of waiting for my only favorite telenovela (uh, Maging Sino Ka Man), I crawled under the covers and slept unconscientiously. Without putting an alarm on my cellphone for the next day.

Then this morning, I woke and got up WITHOUT an alarm. on time. Imagine that. On FUCKING time.

IT'S OKAY

Now I wonder if I'm just being paranoid or plain exaggerated or if I was just too plainly stupid to realize changes in myself. I do not know.

I'm confused, I'm a little (well, a lot) on the emotional side right now. I haven't figured out why just yet. Well I guess I do not really want to figure it out at this point. I don't want to figure it out ever.

I guess I could as well leave it at that and let it pass. I know I'll wake up normal again. perhaps tomorrow, or maybe later--in the middle of the night.

I THINK I'M FINE, ANYWAY

ooh..i missed blogging.