LB #2

No matter how I LOVE being independent and shit, there are moments when I think it will make me happier if I belonged to someone (maybe, very seldom) or in some group, but I find it extremely hard to blend and fit in.

I savor the moments I get to laugh with other people on a certain joke, exchange knowing glances or smiles with others regarding a certain event, get applauded for a job well done, etc. These happen seldom in my life, so I make sure I relish them, even when I deny it (grin).

I have always found it hard to socialize and make friends, and even harder to STAY in relationships without feeling like the world is crashing on me.

Nothing stays for long, so I take what I can get and make happy memories.

My dog Octavio more than makes up for those "down" times. :-) He's the best.

LB #1

When I was in first year college, I wanted to join the UST Mountaineering Society, but my mom and aunt&uncle (who were financing my schooling) were against it. I cried about it for an extended period, as expected, and each time I passed by the group’s supposed “tambayan,” I would hopelessly wish I could join. In 2013, 11 years later, I officially climbed my very first mountain and fell in love with the experience. Though I was not able to go to the summit (my friends were hungover from the night’s drinking sesh) and it was rainy and I was suffering from colds, I can honestly say I had a blast in Mt. Daguldol. I hope to go back one day and conquer the peak. Next year, I hope to finish a BMC organized by AMCI or, if I enroll in UP for graduate school (fingers crossed!!), UPM. AND RE-CLIMB TARAK RIDGE ON A NON-RAINY DAY.

Quit

I quit my job yesterday. It's a freelance thing, though, but it's one of my "steady" ones. I feel bad, like I've broken up with someone. Except for the financial side, I feel at peace now and more relaxed. Time to get into something better.

99 days of Freedom?

Would I feel free? Will I be able to keep it up? Ten days ago, I joined this experiment called "99 Days of Freedom" where I'm not supposed to log into my Facebook account for 99 days and see what it does to me. The site, http://99daysoffreedom.com/, promised to contact me after 33, 66 and 99 days of non-Facebook and see how I do, and send me sporadic and "completely anonymous" happiness surveys.

Truth be told, I'm missing it now and I do not know if I can keep up. I shamefully miss playing Candy Crush. I KIND OF miss stalking some people and knowing what they are up to--at least through photos posted/tagged, events, likes, etc. Yes, call me creepy, that's how I've kind of always been, but I believe I am not the creepiest there is.

According to a press release, 99daysof freedom is a non-proft initiative launched by Just B.V., a creative communications agency from the Netherlands, as a response to Facebook's controversial mood experiment, aiming to determine "how life without Facebook impacts user happiness."

The experiement asks willing people to refrain from using Facebook for 99 days, complete with an official countdwon, and then comment on how it has affected their personal happiness. They also provide a message board where participants can post how they are holding up during the break.

I'm a freelance writer and I work at home, in our house in the province, far away from my friends. Facebook is one of my few connections with them and my relatives, but it is by far the biggest distraction in my life so far. Meanwhile, people I care about know my cell phone number and if they want to get in touch with me they can just shoot me a text. Or maybe an email. I think what makes Facebook more preferred by most is that they are not required to exert a considerable amount of effort in keeping others updated with their howabouts as one would in making a call where they 1) spend so much for it, 2) become obliged to answer right away and 3) hello, awkward small talk.

Blah, blah, blah, I can go on, but it's beet ten days and what has happened to me? Do I feel the freedom? Yes, I am feeling it, but I kind of miss being enslaved by FB. Funny how change is creepier than us but we succumb to it because we have no choice.

I miss the people I follow on Facebook, mainly those who I like but am not really close to ^_^

I am going to keep this up. Last weekend, I went on a solo trip to Zambales. I'm going to write about it here one time. Next week, I'm climbing a mountain. I hope it doesn;t rain! Right now I'm trying to work but I've been distracted by...stuff.

It is not Facebook;s fault that I get distracted by it. It's my own discipline "issues." I hope the 99-day experiment helps me improve on that aspect. Oh, discipline, I gotta learn you; I gotta do you.

Meanwhile, I'm getting back to work. Bye, non-existent reader!

I quit Facebook yesterday...

...and I am not sure what I feel now. I'm reactivating it after the Holy Week, but I am not 100% sure if I will really do that. If I even manage to stay the hell away from it until then. My fingertips are itching to log-in to my account, but each time I find myself feeling such, I ask myself, "What good will it do?" 

Facebook has kind of taken over my life these past years, and has made me better in a lot of aspects. Because of Facebook I have become a better procrastinator, a WAY better stalker than I could ever have allowed myself to be. Oh, I have also become better at being miserable in so many ways. 

Will temporarily quitting it make me a different person? Will it have an impact on others? What does it even mean? I do not know. I just woke up one day and felt stressed out after checking my Facebook account and decided to quit it for a while. Will my 1,900++ friends miss me? Would any of them even notice? 

Since quitting, I have done more productive things. I was able to watch two movies (re-watched BBC's "Pride & Prejudice" and "Fight Club"), write in my offline journal, write here, cook some weed butter (ha ha) and focus on some work. 

I hope things turn out well. I hope I do not find the pressure to go back to Facebook. I'll try to write here as much as I can--since nobody reads it anyway, save for strangers from a distant part of the world. 

I think I might post recipes here, or whatever. We'll see.

Once upon a night in Makati

February 10, 2014

0500a

A lot of things have happened since I last wrote here. Very eye opening &...I have no other words for it.  I am utterly amazed at God’s wisdom & him letting me make a complete fool out of myself just to make me see His damn point. (Fine. I’m spilling SOME beans. I spent part of the night at **’s room. Very wholesome, mind you. I brought happy brownies & we got stoned. I thought it was going to be a blast. It was fun, but not a blast. Actually it was only borderline fun. He chose to sleep it off. I watched this Thai film then I listened to music on my phone. I was really tired & sleepy & so high, but I fought the force to lay down beside him—since there was no other place to lie down on—because I did not go there to sleep. I went there as a friend who just wants to have some stoned fun with another friend. Agh. I missed having a friend in him. I hope to see him again. AS A FRIEND. You know what, seeing him is helping me let him go & move on. Everytime I see him, I realize there are a lot of things more important than pining for his so-called love. I realized that no matter what the hell happened to us in the past, I don't deserve to be treated like dirt. I am not a slut. I am not a consolation prize. I am not a go-to girl--if you know what I mean. Maybe it has something to do with my "declaration of feelings" last December. Hay. HUGE load off my back.)

Today is Weedsday butter mania

 11A
I have resolved to stay alone and be platonically & divinely in love with everyone around me instead of screwing some poor person’s life just because I want to have a taste of romantic love for an unspecified period of time. I know I will run away sooner or later, and that would not be good. I used to think that me feeling this way is ABNORMAL until I came to accept it. Embrace who I am. I would rather focus on GIVING THE KIND OF LOVE I AM GOOD AT instead of trying very hard & getting stressed out in trying to fit into the mold of being a good girlfriend or wife. I do believe I can be a good mother someday, if that is part of God’s plan for me. I would like to have a son. I will nickname him Jared (after the ever-beautiful Jared Leto!!!) maybe his long name would be Javier (insert name starting with R). The boy will take my surname as I resolve to be a single mom. J Ja would be fine enough a nickname. Jared is hard to pronounce. Agh.

 

Meanwhile, it’s the 22^nd and I have not even looked at my DDT (Damn Dictionary Thing) huhuhu. I'm supposed to submit it in a week. Good luck. Sana ma-release na yung TF ko sa 20Plus. HAAAAAYYY. I really need to find another means to make moolah. Gotta pay the bills & my one last loan @ BDO. Nakuuuuu I wonder how much I still have to pay given my delinquent payment history.

 

Going back to romantic love, I believe in it, I think it is nice & cool, but I don’t give a fuck’s ass if I don’t have it now. I gotta focus on getting my shit together first before focusing on that.

 

Oh, by the way, I spent yesterday baking happy brownies. First, I decarboxylized what remained of the W by baking it at 250-260F for 20-30 minutes until it was brown and crisp. I crumbled it with my fingers until most of it was loose & powdery. Then I cooked it on on the stove, on low, with 1 stick + a little more (next time I should cook it with 1.25 sticks if I wanna yield a stick in the end) of butter for about three hours. After cooking, I strained it very well with a piece of cloth, then proceeded to make two batches of brownies, which I cut into 1.2 square inch pieces. J I took one last night, around 9, then wonders started to kick in at around 10. I was shitfaced by 11pm (YES because my eyes were abnormally bloodshot!), watched The Great Gatsby (it was so good to watch it under the influence—I could feel every twitch in Leo’s face tugging at some nerve in my heart, making my eyes well up) on my phone, then I willed myself to sleep—BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER SLEEP IT OFF THAN RISK my mom seeing me shitfaced. I woke up at 5am. GOD. The last time I was that high was in 2007 or 2008  during my D-days. Goodness. Ngayon I know half a brownie is enough for a fine buzz.

 

1130a

I wanna climb a mountain. That wall near the Sandugo store would be enough. I just wanna climb something!!!!!!!

 

1133a

I choose not to dwell on the bad things unless I wanna get into a bad mood. Back to work. I’m 11 stories behind.