I feel like my heart is going to burst

Just got home from hilot class. It's very hot outside. 

Neck deep in shit I can't see 

but feel

My eyes buttons to a blouse bursting

at the seams

I can cry later, if time permits. 

A sunny day in April

Hi, nonexistent reader. It's me, now in my 40s. Here are some shiz lifted from my journal:

January 11, 2025 1034A – Death anniversary of my Uncle and maternal Grandmother. I was mean to Mama today. This is the main reason I can’t give up my apartment. I must have my own lair for when I’m a monster, like today. I wish I was a better person.  1038A – My parallel life is nothing. My mother had the option to have me aborted, but she didn’t do it. Catholic guilt, of course. People encouraged her, maybe they were right. Maybe she should have listened. What gives me peace is that in a parallel universe, I am nothing. I do not exist. I am not sad, not happy. I am not making anyone suffer. In a parallel universe, my mother is happy.  Sorry, Ma.

January 27-31, I was in Japan with my family & relatives. It was fun, even when I didn't have enough funds. I'm in debt now, actually. Again. After many, many years of being debt-free. My goodness, give me strength.

February 8, 2025

1103P – I had an OK week. Was able to get my race kit, get to the venue on time, run 21k (7-eleven Run 2025), go to L’s place, work using Tita J’s laptop, submit my episode, and rest. I could have done better (run), but it was all I could do. I was underhydrated, undernourished, undertrained, and lacked sleep. Anyway, working at home (Unit C) right now. In a few months, I’m moving out of this apartment. L has already partially moved out. I want to cherish my last moments here. Hayyyy. Must declutter. In a major way. I'm gonna miss this place.

March 9, 2025

1213A – I deactivated my Facebook account. I want to deactivate my IG as well, but I don’t know if I should. Maybe I’ll just uninstall for a while. I’ve gotta reactivate FB soon because I plan to sell stuff on Marketplace, but good luck. Maybe after 24 hours. Maybe on Wednesday. I don’t know. Right now I’m so stressed out about my finances.

Present: Just finished a script. Projects are scarce, but that is my fault.

Right now, I want to leave this all behind.

Right now, I don't feel loved, even by my self.

'Til next time.

Starting the day...

...in tears. 

Been crying more often than usual lately, especially whenever I find myself alone. I feel trapped. I want out. 

No one is going to care for me but myself. Might as well be by myself. 

The question is, how?

Random shiz

The other night I was cleaning out some of boxes and came across an old notebook/journal. My goodness, my younger self's problems made me cry. She was stressed out to the max, depressed AF, broke with no one to turn to, made the wrong decisions, looked down on by her family, prioritized the wrong people, didn't know any better-- she was grasping at straws. She could have used unbiased guidance and unconditional love. At one point, she was so happy to not have to worry about her meal for the day. She got to eat five times that day for free because there was a school-sponsored retreat for graduating students. 

I have already forgotten most of what was written there, but I'd like to think I've come a long way. My life is still meh for the most part, but at least I can afford to feed myself now. 

Kung pangarap ma'y tatanggapin ko

Been crying less these past few weeks except when I watch emotional shiz. ...or I remember/think of stupid stuff 🙄

Been running less, moving less, but eating more. Junk. Disaster.

Been staying in bed hours before actually getting up, but have not been getting enough sleep. 

Been sitting in front of the computer longer, but not getting enough work done.

Been producing substandard scripts. 

Messed up brain, heart not helping. 

Been binge-listening to "I Am the Best," but I'm the worst. 

First of February

I've been reading posts and comments by people on the Internet that January seemed to never end this year. For me, it went by fast! Too fast, tbh. I had loads to do and I was only able to do around half. As a matter of fact, I should be cramming a two scripts right now. 

This February, I plan to start something new. An activity a day, just for this month because I don't want to overwhelm myself. Will start tonight, with a 15-minute workout. Tomorrow, I go for an easy run. The next day, I will be running 32 kms at the 7-11 Run in Manila. Goodness, I need to finish that in five hours or less. All I want to do now is hope, not assume, because you know what happens when I presuppose things. :-|

I want to talk about my upcoming marathon, which is in a few weeks, but I don't want to get too excited because I really am getting stressed out with all these IO horror stories I read on the Internet. Maybe some other time. For now, I will do my best to finish this script I'm working on ASAP. 

Dear nonexistent reader, love is all around. 

It hasn't been raining in Manila...

 ...at hindi ako nilalamig. 

Currently listening to Lola Amour's "Raining in Manila." 

There was a time, long ago, when I stopped listening to any kind of music because every tune reminds me of a boy I used to love (so I thought). I can't believe I let my idea of him take over my life for quite a while. Ugh. Cringe. CRINGE!!!! I sometimes wish I could eternal sunshine that part of my past, but it wouldn't make sense either way. 

Okay, back to work now. It's going to be a long day tomorrow.