Starting the day...

...in tears. 

Been crying more often than usual lately, especially whenever I find myself alone. I feel trapped. I want out. 

No one is going to care for me but myself. Might as well be by myself. 

The question is, how?

Random shiz

The other night I was cleaning out some of boxes and came across an old notebook/journal. My goodness, my younger self's problems made me cry. She was stressed out to the max, depressed AF, broke with no one to turn to, made the wrong decisions, looked down on by her family, prioritized the wrong people, didn't know any better-- she was grasping at straws. She could have used unbiased guidance and unconditional love. At one point, she was so happy to not have to worry about her meal for the day. She got to eat five times that day for free because there was a school-sponsored retreat for graduating students. 

I have already forgotten most of what was written there, but I'd like to think I've come a long way. My life is still meh for the most part, but at least I can afford to feed myself now. 

Kung pangarap ma'y tatanggapin ko

Been crying less these past few weeks except when I watch emotional shiz. ...or I remember/think of stupid stuff 🙄

Been running less, moving less, but eating more. Junk. Disaster.

Been staying in bed hours before actually getting up, but have not been getting enough sleep. 

Been sitting in front of the computer longer, but not getting enough work done.

Been producing substandard scripts. 

Messed up brain, heart not helping. 

Been binge-listening to "I Am the Best," but I'm the worst. 

First of February

I've been reading posts and comments by people on the Internet that January seemed to never end this year. For me, it went by fast! Too fast, tbh. I had loads to do and I was only able to do around half. As a matter of fact, I should be cramming a two scripts right now. 

This February, I plan to start something new. An activity a day, just for this month because I don't want to overwhelm myself. Will start tonight, with a 15-minute workout. Tomorrow, I go for an easy run. The next day, I will be running 32 kms at the 7-11 Run in Manila. Goodness, I need to finish that in five hours or less. All I want to do now is hope, not assume, because you know what happens when I presuppose things. :-|

I want to talk about my upcoming marathon, which is in a few weeks, but I don't want to get too excited because I really am getting stressed out with all these IO horror stories I read on the Internet. Maybe some other time. For now, I will do my best to finish this script I'm working on ASAP. 

Dear nonexistent reader, love is all around. 

It hasn't been raining in Manila...

 ...at hindi ako nilalamig. 

Currently listening to Lola Amour's "Raining in Manila." 

There was a time, long ago, when I stopped listening to any kind of music because every tune reminds me of a boy I used to love (so I thought). I can't believe I let my idea of him take over my life for quite a while. Ugh. Cringe. CRINGE!!!! I sometimes wish I could eternal sunshine that part of my past, but it wouldn't make sense either way. 

Okay, back to work now. It's going to be a long day tomorrow. 

New year, new favorite poem (so far)

 

The line etched into a headstone, between the dates of birth and death

represents each step we take on earth, and every single breath.

For many, it’s just a hyphen, marking time between the years,

but in that little dash is a lifetime of laughter, love and tears.

We each create the legacy our dash will someday represent,

and decide if the life we’re given is truly lived…or merely spent.

Some deem themselves successful if they can spend in large amounts,

but how you spend your only dash is all that really counts.

Time steals our days and hours before we recognize the theft

and we live each day not knowing how much of our dash is left.

Responsibilities of daily life -- the bills, the job, the cash

affect the way we choose to use this important little dash.

Memories in the making are happening now, and happening here.

So take the time to make the time, before they disappear.

This is it. This is the show, with no time to rehearse.

Minutes move only forward -- never, ever in reverse.

So, don’t spend this time in sorrow, or with bitterness and fear.

The future may be uncertain,

but right now, your dash is here.

"The Dash" by Linda Ellis

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Happy 2024, nonexistent reader. The dash is the love you give and receive. 

I want to get something...

 off my chest. 

I'm one of the most inconsistent, unstable, unreliable persons one could ever meet. In all aspects of my life, that is true. I function in streaks, and I wish it weren't that way. Everyday I wake up overwhelmed. Most hours of the day my brain is tired from worrying, overthinking. I'm surprised I've managed to keep my job this long. Thank goodness for people who pity me, who have no better choice than to hire me, who (maybe) still believe in me. I pity my family/friends, though. I bet they wish they had someone else, someone better, for a daughter/sister/friend. 

Gahd, professional help sure sounds heavenly right now. Heaven I can't afford. Very expensive. I wish I still smoked because a stick of menthol sounds lovely right now. But I don't smoke anymore. Also, it's expensive. 

Dear nonexistent reader, I hope we feel better soon.